Thank you, Mrs. Darling for tackling this question!


Dear Submissive Guide,

Are most dominant men narcissistic as well?


As a wife and submissive to a Dominant sadist (one who is very *ahem* demanding) this question certainly made me titter when I first read it. The more I turned it over in my mind though, the more I saw this as a troublesome question in the vein of, "Are most submissive women doormats?"

(Note: I will continue this discussion in the Male/female pronouns as it was presented; feel free to adjust to your own pronoun preferences.)

The short answer is, of course, no. I don't think "most" dominant men are anything except for one simple characteristic: they consider themselves dominant.

With as many styles of leading a D/s dynamic, there are just as many unique traits of dominants. Some dominants, like mine, sit back and silently take in a room, allowing the submissive to be the social butterfly and keep up conversations and calendars with others. Outgoing and loud does not equal dominant, just like reserved and quiet does not equal submissive. It is whatever works for you as a person, and then whatever works for a relationship. I would drive many dominants crazy with my bold personality. Yet my husband would be so bored with anything else.

Now onto the longer answer, which is why this would even be a question that at first glance makes total sense.

A quick Google search into narcissistic personality traits comes back with some that apply to common stereotypical dominant traits: things his way or the highway, punishing behavior when things aren't going well, world revolves around him, "do as I say", big ego, enjoys admiration, believes they are superior to others.

Again, a big walking stereotype version of a dominant man.

Most I have encountered couldn't be more different. Sure they like things their way, but it is not because there is any superiority on their part. It is simply because they have a submissive who likes to follow, and as a dominant, they are comfortable leading in a direction that will be good for everybody involved.

Punishment dynamics do exist, but in a healthy D/s dynamic the punishment fits the crime, is explained why it is being done and serves as a learning tool. The submissive has consented to a punishment dynamic and has the word available to end it.  Narcissists will emotionally abuse by means of making their partner a scapegoat and using the silent treatment. There is no explanation for the punishment, no consent, no way to turn it off, and no lesson to be learned. I believe "big ego" in dominants is often simply self-confidence misunderstood. While dominants may enjoy some type of attention and admiration from their submissive, it is power exchange. In a healthy exchange, the submissive is also receiving attention and admiration for what they do as well.

At the end of the day, narcissism is a personality disorder and a serious one at that. Just like somebody saying they are "oh my God, soo OCD" because they like their bookcase orderly trivializes people diagnosed and struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, not every person who thinks highly of themselves are narcissistic.

If you encounter dominants who have personality traits that don't mesh with your preference, simply wish them well and continue your search.

Hope this is helpful!