If you didn’t catch it in the post about my Miracle Morning, I am without a collar. After 10 years in KnyghtMare’s collar, he asked for its return in mid-April. I was devastated, but I knew things were pretty bad off for quite some time. You might have picked that up from the Meditation Monday posts that I was trying to work on my own struggles. Now, before anyone assumes, we are still married, still very much in love and willing to work on healing our relationship. Maybe someday I’ll be in his collar again – but that’s a long way off.
How I got here is a long story and it’s not worth rehashing all of it here. To summarize, about a year ago, maybe more, I started losing the spark that submission held for me for so long. Submitting stopped feeling happy and good. I started questioning everything and not wanting to obey. That push back got more and more intense and led to a lot of strife between KM and I. Within all of that, he was dealing with unemployment, poly breakups and depression along with worsening anxiety. It was a powder keg.
We both admit we did things to cause this and I’m not looking for people to tell me what to do to get his collar back. I have a lot more to work on than that. I’m a broken soul and I developed some pretty negative behaviors that I have to weed out before I’ll consider accepting the weight of a collar again. A lot of self-realization came out of the immediate aftermath of the uncollaring. Some things that if I had seen them in others or been emailed asking for advice I would have seen the destructive behaviors. But because they were in me I was blind to them. The painful talks with KM opened my eyes and made me also feel ashamed and hypocritical. I know I’m not perfect. How did I fall into the bad habits and behaviors that I warn others against? It just didn’t feel like something I would have allowed myself to do… yet I did.
I’m still swimming in sadness and loss since so much of my world was his collar, but I’m learning that was unhealthy too. I’m angry with myself for screwing things up so badly and I honestly felt like I should just give up on Submissive Guide and submission for myself. I know how so many of you feel when you lose a collar – and I have to look into the eyes of the man I love everyday and know I can’t call him “Master”. It just breaks my heart. So, I wanted to share with you what I learned I was doing (don’t be like me) and what I’m doing to re-learn who I am and reclaim my identity.
What Went Wrong?
Part of me wishes it was easy to summarize what happened, but to be completely honest with you, there are a lot of things that lead up to his decision to remove his collar. Many of these things are personal and private between the two of us, but something that I can talk about and will have to face is that my motivation to submit to him changed and in some cases, failed altogether.
I know I’m submissive. I know that it’s supposed to make me feel good and whole and at peace. And for so long it did. But then, a bout of depression, financial struggles and my difficulty accepting polyamory in KnyghtMare’s life caused my whole submissive makeup to implode. I started questioning every request he made, challenged every long-standing rule we had and stopped caring if he was upset with me or if I was getting into trouble. A lot of it was childish behavior and still more of it was a result of my inability to handle what was, and in some cases still is, going on in our life. I became more passive aggressive and mean. I lashed out. I doubted his sincerity. A lot of these behaviors I learned from my emotionally abusive childhood that I have yet to reconcile. Other behaviors I just can’t explain.
My submission stopped being something I did for me. It all began to become what he wanted and how he wanted it. My life stopped being mine and more and more a shadow of his. My identity became the collar and the weight of it was choking me. I had no desire to do anything on my own. I could barely make my own decisions without his input. I felt defeated, but that’s not the M/s, or D/s rather that we agreed on. I don’t know how I let it consume me. I lost my identity outside of his collar. And inside it, I was drowning.
I know there are others out there who have times where submission just doesn’t come easy or seems to stop being there at all. I know this because I’ve seen your pleas for help in my email or on FetLife. I’ve made my own outbursts on social media, asking for answers, begging for understanding and screaming at myself for being such a bad submissive. None of it helps and it’s not meant to. Once KM and I had that big talk after the day I began to really see what I had been doing to him. Watching me spiral out of control was hurting him so much. I had to make changes and they had to come from me.
What Now?
That’s a good question. I want to be submissive. I want to be KnyghtMare’s submissive. But before that, I need to find me again. I need to figure out what makes me happy as a person. I need to rediscover hobbies, find friends to do things with, and really seek happiness away from KnyghtMare’s collar. I need to become independent again. I need to heal and I need to grow as a person.
No small order, that’s for sure. Which is why I’ve adopted The Miracle Morning that I talked about last month. It’s all about focusing on a better, healthier me first thing so that I can express that as the day goes on. I’m a bit spotty with getting it done every morning, but when I do it I feel better emotionally and can get more done that day.
I purchased a few self-help books that I’m reading during the morning reading time and it’s opening my eyes to how messed up my childhood has made me and a bit about how to repair the damage. I’m investigating therapy locally, but the cost is prohibitive right now and the free therapy run by the University doesn’t run in the summertime, so I have to wait until Fall for that. But therapy will be necessary, that I’m sure.
KnyghtMare’s patience is waning, to be sure, but he’s made it clear he isn’t going anywhere and wants to be with me. Changes need to be made in my behavior and I need to reclaim who I am.
I’m searching for what makes me happy. I’m finding things to do that don’t rely on my being submissive. I guess you could say I’m trying to become normal. Well, that’s probably not right either. I’m doing a LOT of writing and journaling, mostly private stuff that will never see the light of day. I’m asking myself every day, what makes me happy? What can I do today to feel happy, to be happy and to feel normal? Some days it comes to me, some days it doesn’t.
My submissiveness is stirring, but only that I can feel something is missing. I’m not feeling an inclination to do anything service related and even though I offer to get KM’s coffee or do things for him, it’s not from a submissive headspace, but more a compassionate, I care about you, space. If that makes sense. And I know that my submission could be very different when I get back into it. I’m prepared to figure out who I am and that includes discovering that I’ve changed.
Could I not be submissive anymore? Yes, but not likely. I need to recover from the depression and breakdown in the relationship before I can even start to figure out what my submission may look like again. I’m seriously lost here.
Well, I feel like I’m just rambling now. I knew it was the time I told you about what I’m working on and why, for so long, what I’ve been writing has been pretty superficial. I hope you’ll forgive me and I look forward to positive progress. Thank you for all of your support.