Full Question: How do I find a partner who is interested in kink and/or D/s?
Answer:
This is the most asked question in the Ask Submissive Guide column, so here’s your answer!
The first step in finding a partner is going where they are. The good news is that kinksters are everywhere. Unfortunately, we don’t walk around with a sign over our head that says, “Single Kinkster Looking for Love.”
You’ve got more options than you realize for finding a partner:
- If you use Facebook, search for kinkster groups and join (or request to join) them.
- If you’re on Twitter or Instagram, start following hashtags like #BDSM, #Dominant, or #submissive. This isn’t foolproof, but it’ll give you a place to start.
- Join Fetlife, if you’re not already there, and participate in forums and groups.
- Use Fetlife (or Google) to find your local munch group and attend a few. This is by far the hardest for most people to do, but I think it’s the most effective because you can see the person you’re talking to, and you know they’re local.
- Use dating apps and read profiles thoroughly for hidden keywords that could indicate they are kink-leaning, like “open-minded,” “kinky,” “the lifestyle,” “control,” and “D/s.”
I feel that we approach a Lifestyle date very differently than we would in a vanilla context. We practically introduce ourselves with a checklist and a wants and needs list. We come to the date and begin asking those direct questions: what are you looking for in a Dom/sub? What do you see the ideal relationship being? What do you like to do during a scene?
Think about it the next time you are out on a new date. What do you talk about? What do you share with this stranger that you met not long ago? Now, how would you go on a similar date with someone in a vanilla relationship? Would you be as upfront to them? No, most likely not. Why is that?
So, you are thinking, if we come to people up front and share what we want and who we are, why is it still so hard to find the one we need in our lives? Simple, compatibility is hard. We are open with people from the start and so we shuffle through perspective people faster than traditional relationship cycles. This makes us feel like we will never find someone that works for us. It brings us down and envious of people that have found someone to be with, even for a time.
Dating is dating. It’s not easy and how we approach it affects the outcome. A BDSM relationship is there for everyone. It’s not easy, but neither is a vanilla relationship. Once you adjust your thinking to how we go about dating and the changes in life that the Lifestyle brings upon us, you will see that finding a partner is never easy. Once you do find that special one, you will be grateful for all the hard work.