Diving into the deep end of the pool is never recommended, but when it comes to BDSM, many people crave just that. Thankfully, you’ve decided to research what you might like and how much of a kink it is to you. Using a BDSM checklist is one of the better ways to explore not only what possibilities await you but also gives you a tool to use when talking to a potential play partner about what to do and the things you might enjoy.
What is a BDSM Checklist?
A BDSM checklist is an exploration tool developed by BDSM practitioners to help them organize their kinks, fetishes, and interesting activities and provide them with a negotiation tool for playing with others. It is often a long, extensive list of likes and dislikes, things to try, and things to never do. Whether your checklist is long or short, it is not a measure of how kinky you are, so start where you are and build from there.
BDSM checklists all live under different names. You can call them limit lists, negotiation lists, negotiation checklists, and many other names. They are all based on a similar idea. If you list the things you enjoy or don’t enjoy, you can easily share them with the person you want to play with or develop a power exchange dynamic to find out if you can build a scene or relationship that will satisfy both of your needs and desires.
The YES/NO/MAYBE List
The kind of list that I really like is the “Yes/No/Maybe” list. This list is a living document and can be updated as you grow and develop your submission. It doesn’t require you to look up terms you don’t know or figure out if you’d be into something you’ve never heard of. This list will give you a better view of your desires and limits than a premade list where you rank things by number, leaving you questioning if you really are kinky by the number of question marks you put down on things you don’t know.
Today I’d like you to get together your Yes/No/Maybe list. See what you can come up with on your own. Even if you have a limits list already written up, start fresh.
First, take out a piece of paper or open a blank document on your computer and list all the sexual and BDSM activities you can think of, including the ones you wouldn’t choose for yourself. You can come up with things you’ve read in erotic novels, seen in movies, or heard about from conversations. This is not meant to be a list to end all lists; only a list of the things you are aware of.
Let me get you started:
- Submission
- Bondage
- Spanking
- Flogging
- Nipple clamps
- Gags
- Blindfolds
- Rough sex
- Anal sex
After you finish the big list of all possible activities, make three columns on your piece of paper. At the top, mark them YES, NO, and MAYBE. In the YES column, write all the items you know you like or want to try. The NO column is for the things that are out of your limits at this time or things you don’t want to do. The MAYBE column is for things you might like to do with the right person or if you were turned on enough or interested in but need to figure out the safety around it. This is the exploration list.
And just in case you didn’t think of them, here are a few things that end up on the NO list of many experienced players:
- Temporary marks
- Permanent marks
- Play with urine or feces
- Play with guns or knives
- Sexual or genital play or penetration
- Unsafe sex
- Breathing constriction
- Use of drugs and alcohol
- No touching areas or sensitivities
- Triggers ( like “Don’t use belts, they remind me of childhood abuse.”)
Look at the YES column and mark it with an ‘N’ if you need it to have a good play session. You can mark the rest with ‘W’ for want, including some in the MAYBE column. These are the icing on the cake items that make play fascinating, challenging, and fun.
If you want to take your thought process further, you can rewrite the MAYBE column and add a rating to each item. Ask yourself how interested you think you might be and rate them 1 to 5, with five being “most interested” and one being “not that interested but might with the right partner.”
You can look for a negotiation checklist online or in books. These lists have important information like talking with potential partners about health issues, triggers, medications, etc. Each list ranges in detail, so find one that meets your needs.
Here are two that I especially like:
Before Scene Interview by Norische
‘Not a Checklist’ Negotiation Sheet for BDSM Bottoms by Tornus (PDF)
Using Your Checklist for Negotiation
Coming into the negotiation unprepared can lead to many issues and disappointments for the scene. Make sure you know your BDSM checklist and what you want and need from the scene and your play partner before negotiating.
An important part of negotiating a scene is discussing what you want out of the scene. Sure there are a lot of comprehensive BDSM checklists that you could fill out if you don’t want to really think about what turns you on and drives you crazy with pleasure. But since you have made this checklist yourself, you are more aware of what’s in it and more invested in getting what you want and need out of play.
So, when you and a potential partner are discussing play activities, you can pull out the checklist and go over it together, making notes of things you both want to explore and might want to explore together. You can also cover your safety and health issues that are important to have mentioned.
Checklists for negotiation can be overwhelming if you are both new to each other, so you can just pull out your YES list and go over that together. It might make it easier for you to know precisely what you enjoy or are interested in. After all, you likely wouldn’t do any of the MAYBE list with a new partner (in my opinion, you shouldn’t).
Early on in relationships or during casual play, I recommend you don’t try to do it all. Pick one or two items from your YES list and stick to those items. After all, you can always play again later if you connect well and can do another one or two things together!
Whether you make your own checklist or use one readily available, there’s no question that using one is helpful to your own exploration and for your play encounters. Your checklist is part of your BDSM toolkit and should be prominent. Look at it from time to time and update it when you feel you’ve had some changes in things or you have more to add! Growth over time is expected and encouraged.