How Do I Know What I Like? I’m Brand New

Everyone started here at some point or another. You may even be at this point right now. Brand new to BDSM, D/s or both and not sure what you would like in a relationship, the bedroom, with kink…. anything. And then you meet people online or face to face that asks you right off the bat what you are into. I don’t know yet doesn’t seem to placate them, so what do you do? Make things up, clam up, run away scared?

None of those are the answer of course and honestly, we more experienced people do have a habit of looking at new people funny when they don’t know what they are into. I think we forget that we were there once, that we floundered and stuttered when asked if we liked bondage or spanking, or if we were a Dominant or submissive. So, hopefully, we’ll learn from this little article too – that we were there once.

Back to the new as a shiny penny folks, there’s a lot you can do once you decide to explore BDSM or D/s or any fetish for that matter. There are a lot of written resources available that just 10 years ago wasn’t there. We have books and websites like this one that tries to negotiate the rough seas for any novice. Better yet the face to face support is booming and can be found in almost every medium and large city in the world. It’s a great time to be a newbie.

First steps first are finding a BDSM checklist (here’s my current favorite) and read it with an open mind.  Start figuring out what things you’d like to try, what you’d like to learn about and what you need to figure out what the heck they are from a reputable source. It’s alright to not know what everything is. Right now you are just using it to figure out what interests you. If it peaks your interest then mark it as such. If you don’t think you’d like it then note that too.

Another step you can take is to write down your fantasies. What do you think about that gets you aroused? What do you do in your dreams? What does your partner do? These are all things you can learn about and explore. It’s true that some fantasies need to remain fantasies, but most do not! You can live your dreams.

When you are ready to learn more about the things on that checklist or in your head that interest you the next steps could be any or all of the following; books, websites, forums or face to face meetings.

One of the first ways you can learn about your potential likes and dislikes is to read a book or two. You don’t have to stick with nonfiction resources either. There are many good fiction books that you can explore your thoughts and feelings with different kinks and fetishes. Just got to your favorite book seller and search them out using terms from your BDSM checklist or fantasies you have. A few of the basic books that can help you learn more about a variety of things are “How to Be Kinky” by Morpheous, “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns” by Molly Devon and Philip Miller, “The New Bottoming Book” and “The New Topping Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and “The Ultimate Guide to Kink” by Tristan Taormino.

Of course, if you are reading this post then it’s likely you have seen and read some on Submissive Guide. There are a few other websites that cover BDSM and if you use a search engine you’ll find a lot of different viewpoints, definitions and interesting things.

Lastly and probably the most scary step is that you’ll want to get out and meet people who do this stuff, think about the world differently and can talk about it without blushing. That means going to a munch. A munch is a gathering of kinky people – plain and simple. Most often they meet in coffee houses, restaurants and delis across the world they are safe havens for novices wanting to learn more about what they are into. And that means you too.

So get out there and start learning – become a novice that no longer feels overwhelmed with the  newness of it all. You just might learn something about yourself.

Thoughts to Ponder

1. How did you feel when you first discovered the world of kink?
2. What advice did you take to heart to help you overcome the anxiety? What would you tell a brand new novice today?
3. Are there better ways that experienced kinksters can handle brand new people? What do you recommend we do as a community to make them feel welcome?

Interesting Links

Total newb, now what? (FetLife link)