This past winter I ran an educational event through the campus Women’s Center on BDSM in response to Fifty Shades of Grey. With the movie coming out I knew that people would be interested in the topic and consider trying it themselves and I wanted them to be safe about it. I covered the basics of SSC and RACK, I discussed the differences between bedroom only, D/s, and M/s, talked about the different typed of toys and risks associated with the toys (Dildos should be made of glass so they do not hold bacteria and Never insert anything into your anus that doesn’t have a base because your rectum forms a vacuum and could suck it in), and held a discussion.
I expected there to be some pushback from those in attendance, but there wasn’t. People asked respectful questions, people may have giggled a little, or looked a little horror-stricken when I talked about knife play as an option, but no one responded poorly. People read one of the articles I printed out from SubGuide and people asked about the website as a resource. I did not tell them that I had written it, I did not make it clear that I was a member of the community, but seeing them all so genuinely interested got me thinking about coming out.
This has been a big year of coming out. I came out proudly for the second year in a row at Coming Out Monologues on my campus as a homoflexible sexual woman. I received the Lavender Cords (LGBTQ+ cords) and wore them proudly at graduation. I let them use a picture of me as an advertisement for coming out monologues. I let people know that aspect of my identity, so I thought that maybe I could talk about kink as well.
When I talk about being queer people have a lot of questions. People do make fun, make nasty comments, and sometimes are downright mean, but in general people just ask questions. Some queers feel that people are disrespectful when people ask how I know, how many girls I have slept with versus how many guys, and what it entails for my sex life, but I do not. I think that people are naturally curious and while they may not always frame their questions in the best way, they are really just trying to understand. When people understand things, they are less likely to judge things, so I am all about those conversations.
Plus, when I start talking freely about sex, people get really excited and start telling me things about themselves because, in general, people have very little honest space to talk about sex and what they like, do not like, want, and think about. Even porn – no one has an honest discussion about porn. I do and I encourage friends and peers to do the same, to break down the stigma around sex and sexuality.
So I broached the topic of BDSM. One of my teammates on a finance project asked me about the BDSM event that I hosted and I was honest about how happy I was that people were accepting and told him that I was glad to help reduce the stigma surrounding kink. He asked me if I participated in the lifestyle, and though there were a few sniggers from group members, I said yes.
Now I think coming out has several steps:
- Figure out who you are going to come out to. You need to come out to people who will accept you, not judge you, and not out you to people who you do not want to come out to. You need to make sure that you are not putting your physical or mental safety on the line by coming out to people. You need to make sure you can trust the people you come out to. YOU DO NOT NEED TO COME OUT TO EVERYONE. For example, I will never come out to my parents as kinky and I will probably put off telling them about my sexual identity unless I end up planning to marry a woman. It is better for me not to rock the boat, and it doesn’t pain me in any way that they do not know.
- Figure out where and when you are going to come out. Sometimes it just slips out and people come out in a rush, sometimes people plan for months, sometimes it’s a combination of the two. There is no right or wrong time to come out in a universal sense, but you want to make sue (again) that you are in a safe place when you do so. You probably do not want to come out in a crowded place where a stranger may overhear and make you feel uncomfortable or threatened. You probably do not want to come out at someone’s wedding or baby shower and steal the spotlight off someone else. But, it is totally up to your judgment when and where you plan to share that you are coming out.
- Figure how much you are willing to share. When you come out, you do not need to tell the person(s) you are coming out to every single detail of what the lifestyle means to you. Honestly, the person you are coming out to probably doesn’t want to know everything, so make sure you are attuned to where you are both at. The person you are coming out to may ask questions – you can answer them if you want to, but should not feel pressured to. The person you are coming out to may ask you to not talk about it, and while this may be disappointing, respect their wishes, maybe they just need time to process.
Now when I came out to my finance group all I shared was that I was into BDSM with my partner and that we had practiced for about two years. That was it. I didn’t get into the roles that we played, I didn’t talk about punishments, and I didn’t talk about the details of sex. A few weeks later they asked if I was the dominant one, and I answered honestly, but the conversation on that particular topic went no further. It did open up a new level of trust in the group and the team felt comfortable discussing sex, problems they were having with sex, porn, positions, and STDs.
When I came out to my best friend, I told her more. I told her how we got involved and what we were doing – not in graphic detail at the time, but in general. “Well, he spanks me and we use handcuffs a lot and I call him Chief” or “We bought a spreader bar last week and it’s awesome” or “Chief and I decided to try knife play and I love it”. She was okay with hearing these things, she didn’t judge me, and she would ask questions when she had them, but it was not the focal point of every discussion.
When I tell her about some things she might say, “Wow… I would NEVER want to try that” (like she did with fisting), but she knows that I am a very sexual person and she supports me. She will talk about things with me, let me hash out relationship dynamics and problems that arise because of the lifestyle. But I knew when I came out to her that I could trust her.
Think about it before you start to boldly come out. I would advise against doing it on Facebook. The old ladies from church may not like it, your parents and their friends may not like it, and your partner may not like it. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page, especially if you are coming out to mutual friends or people who know them. You do not want to out them if that is something that they are uncomfortable with. Be conscious of the ramifications that could come from coming out to someone. I am cautious and think ahead before I tell anyone about my sexuality or my kink and because of that, I have had only positive responses.
Have you come out as kinky? How did that go? Let us know in the comments!