I used to be horrible at begging. "Pretty please with a cherry on top?" Then if that didn't work, I'd up the ante. "Whipped cream?" "Chocolate Sauce?" Uh-huh, what was I doing, tempting him with dessert? This never worked.
Then I went to the "potty dance routine" of "please, please, please, please...." So many “pleases" in there that it just didn't have the sentiment that he wanted out of me, so that didn't work either.
Being asked to beg for something is one of the simplest forms of erotic humiliation within a BDSM scenario. It’s also one that can be quite difficult for people to learn. In this article, I’ll define erotic begging, when it’s most often used, and verbal and nonverbal approaches to begging that I hope will help you get a handle on this very challenging but very rewarding playtime activity.
Begging is pleading with the Dominant to receive something. It is most often used to plead for pleasure, orgasm, or a play scene. When it is used to gain an orgasm, it is used to remind the submissive that their body and their orgasms are not under their control and even orgasms must be granted by the Dominant.
Begging can be a way to exert control over the submissive. Dominants can use begging to remind the submissive that they are no longer free to make their own choices over things they have surrendered control over. This can bring out a very emotional response and connection to the power exchange between the partners.
Begging can also be used during punishment. A Dominant can require the submissive to thank them for every strike and then ask for another. Used this way, the submissive is reminded of the reason for the punishment and that there are consequences for breaking rules. In this situation, making the submissive engage in the punishment and play an active role, especially if they are also masochists, can prevent them from relaxing into the sensations and turning the pain of corporal punishment into pleasure or subspace. It forces the submissive to focus and concentrate on something during the punishment.
Erotic begging can be a turn-on for people. Each of us has our own talent or lack thereof in this area. For some, it is part of erotic humiliation; for others, it’s a part of everyday interactions with their Dominant partners that emphasize humility. There are different approaches to begging. If you’ve ever owned a pet, you know what I mean. Your dog or cat will find many ways to let you know they really want something, and often it gets you to do something. Maybe you’ll even pick up some of these ideas from your pet to try the next time it’s your turn to beg for something.
Often, begging involves being embarrassed. Embarrassment because you have to recognize and admit to wanting or needing something that is usually not spoken about, something sexual in nature, or something that gives you some feeling of shame or discomfort. It is, at least in my case, part of the reason why begging was so difficult at first.
You may even feel humiliated by the act of begging. Humiliation is a more intense form of embarrassment. It’s a huge kink for a lot of people interested in BDSM. I was surprised the first time I noticed I was turned on by having to beg and being humiliated by it.
Begging is all about the discomfort. It stops being successful begging if you're not feeling a little off your confidence. You may demonstrate your discomfort through blushes, sweating, or fidgeting. Your hesitation in saying vulgar words or expressing what you want directly and bluntly will make your pleading genuine and often excite your partner in the process.
Once you learn that it’s okay to be embarrassed, ashamed, or humiliated by begging, you will begin to move within that space to make begging sexy and hot. Until then, it’s going to feel uncomfortable.
Another reason for begging is to enforce a humble attitude. Humility in service is a trait that some Dominants look for, and asking for permission to speak or engage with the Dominant can be a form of humility training that includes pleading or begging because the right to choose has been removed from the submissive’s area of control.
How to Use the Right Words to Make Begging HOT!
Begging can take on many forms, but the most common forms involve specific language and tone of voice. Selecting the right words to plead for what you want can often freeze a submissive into silence because of the embarrassment of the situation.
Verbal begging often incorporates the word “please,” using bribery to convince the Dominant, or phrases meant to demonstrate how desperate you are to get what you desire. My Dominant, Knyghtmare, insists that I beg for a lot of things, and I think that most Dominants choose this route to see just how desperate their submissive is for whatever it is they want. Generally, it's about being allowed to orgasm or when you have been teased to death, and you just want sex right now!
I'm nowhere near perfect, and the journey is half the fun, but I can and generally do get what I've begged for after a short stint of him grinning at me and telling me that wasn't good enough. He wants me to go all out, and yes, after I overcome the embarrassment, I give it to him.
When you are trying to figure out what you could say, you will want to be direct and blunt. Don’t leave anything to the imagination. Your trash mouth can fuel desire, and the look on your partner’s face when they hear you will be worth it. The humiliation you may feel is part of the activity, and allowing yourself to feel embarrassed can help you!
My Best Tips for Great Verbal Begging
While the following formula isn’t going to work for every partnership or situation, I wanted to give you a few tips for making your verbal begging extra spicy.
Be specific. If your goal is to increase the humiliation intensity, using “vulgar” language during begging does the trick very well. This is especially true if the submissive doesn’t use this kind of language naturally. It took me years to be comfortable with some of the more raunchy slang terms for our bodies and for the sex activities I enjoyed. Employing them in begging is not only super hot but can also allow you to be an abandoned, wanton puddle of need.
Be vulnerable. Even though some of the words you use may seem silly, the honest desperation behind them really pleases most Dominants who enjoy begging. Adding moans, groans, and other vocalizations when you just can’t find the words will buy you time to get further into desperation and hopefully help you figure out how to debase yourself in begging. Pour all your effort into your words and actions, and really make your partner believe how desperate you are. Basically, be sincere.
Describe how you feel. Being able to describe how your need and desperation are making you feel is powerful. It’s also one of the harder things to vocalize. If your cock is throbbing or your clit aches, share that in your begging phrases. When you bring attention to how you’re feeling and how your body responds to the potential of gaining the reward you are pleading for, it really amplifies your begging.
Step it up by offering a reward. At the beginning of this article, I shared how I was new to begging and used to bribe with ice cream toppings. That idea can work, but use activities or actions that your partner actually wants and something you can fulfill immediately after successful begging. Do not offer anything you are not willing to do, but it can be extra tempting for your partner if it’s something you hesitate to offer or that they have explicitly expressed they want from you. And if you get to do the reward, that’s fun too!
Here are some examples of verbal begging:
- "May I speak freely, Ma'am?"
- "Master, please may I come? I'm so hot, and my clit is so hard it feels like it will explode!"
- "Daddy, oh god, Daddy I'd really love you to fuck me and let me show you I can be a dirty girl. Please."
- "Sir, I need to come so bad for you. If you let me come, I'll scream and moan so loud, God Master; I don't want to hold it anymore, please? I'll suck your dick like the dirty slut I am if I can come."
- “Please spank me, Sir”
- "Please hit me harder, Mistress. Thank you. Please hit me again, Mistress. Thank you."
Whimper. Cry. Let yourself get overcome by the need. Then put that need into words!
Pleading With Your Body
If your Dominant responds well to puppy dog eyes, nonverbal begging may work for you. The right look can transmit what you want or need very well, and some Dominants prefer to have you look like you want it while listening to you beg. What look do you get on your face when you need to get permission for something? Do your eyes get a pleading look?
Other nonverbal cues during begging can be lip biting, which is oh-so sexy. Licking your lips is equally sexy and can transmit a lusty desire, a strong craving for whatever it is you want.
If you have the ability, the one eyebrow twitch can be an inquisitive nod to begging that says nothing. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, think of Spock from Star Trek. He often did it when he said, ‘Intriguing.’ And that’s exactly the sentiment you’re going for. That you’re interested in whatever it is.
Kneeling and kissing the feet of your dominant is not only a sign of submission but is a good start for begging for what you desire. This humbling of yourself goes a long way to finding that sweet spot in a Dominant so they may pay mercy on you and allow for what you are asking. Other ideas can be prostration, kissing hands, or bowing/curtsying. These actions are done if the request is a small one or if what you desire needs a more formal method of presentation.
But what about when you’re in the midst of a BDSM scene or sex, and your partner orders you to beg for something you either desperately want, like an orgasm, or to beg for a certain action to stop? Showing them and telling them goes a long way for both of you to get more out of the scene.
Check your posture. Does it give off a sign of neediness? Or are you lying there calm and serene? Even in bondage, you can let yourself express need through gyrations, fidgeting, and other body movements. Display the body part you want attention drawn to. Unabashedly thrust your cock, spread your legs, wiggle your butt or offer up your breasts.
Something I know KnyghtMare adores is when he makes me cry. Not always through suffering, but through making me beg for something I really, really want to end that isn’t a safeword moment, but I am not sure he’s in the giving mood. I’ve shed tears for something painful I wish would stop, and I’ve outright sobbed when he’d edged me so close to orgasm that I was begging with everything I had, and he said no. (I did end up being allowed, my crying was part of the game.)
A mixture of any of these approaches requires practice. I'm still not perfect, but I'm learning what my Master requires of me when I'm asked to beg for 'it.'
You certainly don’t have to resort to childish begging and temper tantrums (unless you’re in little space) to have effective begging. Once you’ve learned these tips and practiced a few times yourself, you’ll be more confident during your humiliation. Do you have other ideas? Come talk about begging in the Submissive Guide FetLife group!
Other people's thoughts on begging:
- Begging In BDSM by Raven Shadowborne
- A Kinkster’s Guide to Begging on A Kinkster’s Guide
- How Do I Beg/Plead Better? on BDSM Training Academy
- Begging For It Podcast on Pleasure Mechanics
If you’d like to learn more about Erotic Humiliation play, I highly recommend Enough to Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation by Princess Kali. Check out my review of a previous version of the book on Submissive Guide.