The other day, one of my friends on Facebook messaged me and asked me if she could ask me a question. Of course I told her yes and then she began to furiously type her question to me. After I read her situation, I asked her if I could reply later. I was in class and on my tablet and I couldn’t devote the time I wanted to for her answer and again, lengthy answers on a mobile device isn’t an easy thing to do. She told me of course and for the rest of the day, I found myself thinking about what my response would be. I had a ballpark idea of what I wanted to say to her, but not specifics. When I got home, I knew what I wanted to say.

This is what I was asked by my friend, and of course, I have her permission to share this.

I've been getting heavier and heavier because of my medications. I've gained a LOT of weight. Because of this I've actually come to accept my weight. But when it comes to my spanking desires, my weight really bothers me. No matter what I tell myself, even if I found the right partner, and no matter how much I want it, the thought of my weight and my shape disgusts me. I have this natural underlying belief that if I'm not skinny then I don't deserve to be spanked and that it's somehow an abomination. I know this is ridiculous, but it's really deeply ingrained. It almost makes me hope I never find the right partner so that I don't have to disappoint them.

When I read this, I feel like I had been flung ten years into the past when I first got involved in the lifestyle and playing with others. I was so self-conscious about my weight, I automatically assumed no one would want anything to do with me. Who wants a short fat girl if you can have someone who looks more like a supermodel? This really made me think about the first time I was with my first ever dominant and also the first time I had ever gotten naked in front of a man. All I could think was thank gawd for that purple lace bra and matching thong. Those little pieces of material gave me enough courage to finally step out of the bathroom in front of him. He knew long before we met that I’m a big girl, but even though he already knew and had seen pictures, and that we had spent some time talking before we even went to the hotel room to scene, I was still terrified of being rejected due to my figure. So, I knew exactly where my friend’s mindset is. Even though I’ve been with Daddy as long as I have, there are still times where He goes to rub my belly or thighs, and I find myself flinching because I’m afraid of Him being repulsed by my body, and believe me, I know He’s not, but it’s still there in the back of my mind.

I told her several things. Including that I know exactly how she feels because I’ve been there too many times to count in the past. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to play parties and wondered just how big my ass looked being bent over a spanking bench or while I was strapped to a St. Andrew’s cross. I also told her it doesn’t help with society’s constant bombardment of “YOU HAVE TO BE SKINNY TO BE ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY” messages that are everywhere and the fact that in most BDSM erotica that pretty much 99.5% of the main female characters are tend to be a bit on the small side. I know the authors don’t do that on purpose, but in my opinion, it’s something that readers may get on a subconscious level, that if you’re bigger than a certain size, you can’t participate in these kinds of activities. I gave her a couple of different ideas on how to overcome this by talking a lot with her potential partner as well as starting out wearing clothing and then progressing to stages of undress, and most importantly, working on self acceptance.

I asked her to allow me to share this with Submissive Guide readers because I know if she’s dealing with this issue, who knows how many are having this same problem and are too afraid to ask for help. I know completely how scared it is to admit that you’re having this problem. You’re afraid of being told that you need to lose weight and then offered 1,001 different pieces of diet advice that you’re not at all interested in receiving. Like I have said in the past, there’s no right or wrong way to live or practice the BDSM lifestyle. Also, there’s no right or wrong size either. You will see people in dungeons and play parties, and on Fetlife of all kinds of sizes, ranging from a size 2 to a size 28 and your size doesn’t make you any less deserving of being spanked, tied up, or whatever kinky activity you’re into. If at anytime, a potential partner tells you you’re too small or too big to do something, tell them to kiss your fabulous backside and find someone who is more worried about having a good time than the shape of your body.