During this past MsC (the Master/slave Conference) in September, there was a discussion about being an unowned slave at an event and the downside of such. And before then, I had participated in a discussion on FetLife – more of an open dialogue between the owned and the unowned about the tension between the two mostly expressed at events, and how owned slaves/subs could make unowned slaves/subs feel more comfortable. This isn't anything new; I’m just taking the time to share some thoughts about it.
When I first came to the community, I had no issue attending parties and munches – how else was I going to meet people. I didn't own a computer and had used the computer lab at school to find a local group and just jumped right on in. Fortunately for me, there was a couple that ran a local group and they were quite accommodating in introducing me to play party etiquette, they also took me under the wing so that I wouldn't be seen as an unattached bottom/sub/slave. It took me some time to figure that out (years). I couldn't wrap my head around why me being single made any difference to anyone. I didn't see myself as a threat – if anything a slave/sub should be more worried about me asking a zillion questions and telling corny jokes in between every Q & A session! I also didn't see myself as a woman who men (or women) would break their necks to get to, either. But the other side of it, that which belongs to the free slave is, often times, the unowned slave is just 'displaced'. From the outside looking in, sometimes there are some judgments made and she's seen as... well, either she's seen as a threat, a stepper on of toes, awkward, or just someone to be pitied or ignored. So, I'd like to speak on behalf of the single slave and to the single slave.
The free slave ain't a threat!!
I just have to get that out-of-the-way. If for some reason an owned slave feels threatened by the presence of a free slave, that's a projection that needs to be addressed and all that needs to be addressed is beyond the scope of this article. But rest assured, there are definitely some internal and relationship matters that need to be hashed out.
Can a free slave really step on anyone's toes, like really?
The unattached slave that attempts to outshine any owned slave is only doing herself a disservice and has revealed her character and/or desperation to serve and be noticed by a Master.
Now, this is the heart of the matter: For the fortunate slave who's owned and either attending an event with her Master or a Protector for the duration, the bottom line really is she knows her place. If she's with her Master, her focus is on her him, she'll be serving him, and all activities will flow according to his dictate. This just isn't the case for most free slaves. Usually, there are no classes at conferences or local education nights that address the needs or situations of free slaves, which would be totally helpful in navigating these waters. Sure there may be a singles gathering, but in my experience, they tend to be more of a miss than a hit, especially at an event where most of the singles showing up are ~wait for it~ free slaves...hmmm... Not feeling anchored isn't really a comfortable feeling for most, and it's my belief that this truly is the heart of the issue.
Don't pity the free slave!
At least not in that, "Awww, I feel so so so sorry for her, that's just too bad," kinda way. That's not helpful at all. And free slaves, don't allow yourself to sit comfortably on a pity-pot either! Compassion or gentle mercy is more fitting, actually. I'm fortunate to have some slave friends who 'play well with others'. They recognize, even if some can't quite empathize, with the frustrations a free slave may feel in attending an event unattached. An owned slave of this mindset may ask for assistance in serving their Master during an event. That goes a long way! That doesn't come from a place of pity, but it really is a compassionate move.
Free slave - go on and get proactive!
There are several ways to take initiative when attending an event. Yes, you can volunteer at the event to "get your service on," and to feel like you're a part of something, but that's not really what the aim is, right? You really want to serve and feel connected to a Master in some way lol. Let's just keep it very real. With this truth being out there, there are options that can be used:
- Make a request to a Master that you know personally to serve them for the duration of the event - preparing clothes, running errands, getting meals, accompanying etc.
- Ask one of your slave friends if there's any way that you can assist her in her duties during the event. You'll be pleasantly surprised to find that there are many that are open but don't be shocked if you don't happen to know any who are. Explain why you'd like to assist - this isn't about making a move on their Master in some underhanded way, this is about allowing that yearning to serve to have an outlet even for a short time.
- If you meet a Master or Master/slave at an event that you seem to vibe with, then ask respectfully if you can be of service to the Master. You may not know a single soul starting out, but do your best to be open and pleasant, you'll surely meet a few people. There's nothing wrong with simply asking to do a few things for someone you're just meeting. Just be sure to define the boundaries. As a matter of fact, this is important for all of these examples - be clear on what you're willing and not willing to do.
Attending an event as a free slave doesn't have to be a point of anxiety. Anxious ain't a good look... Being proactive and thinking outside the box will often ease most of the anxiety associated with being somewhere 'alone'. Also, it's a perfect opportunity to get in the mindset of being 'covered', which in my opinion moves the free slave closer to being a collared slave.
Lots of love, blyss
This series is written from the perspective that being single in the Lifestyle affords one the opportunity to do some soul-searching, learning, and defining to be better equipped to transition into a suitable and desirable relationship in due time. Other parts of the series are as follows: