Welcome to part two in this week's series all about how to

help you feel more comfortable entering and becoming a part of the local BDSM community. You might like to read the previous post about using online resources to find kinksters. Some of the best education I've received as a submissive, especially on the different ways other people live the D/s life, have been from people in my local area . Attending a munch, going to a play party, or just hanging out online and observing conversations and interactions is a great way to learn and have your eyes opened to other viewpoints and experiences.


oday, let's talk about

the different ways to socialize with other kinksters in your local area.

Okay, lesson number one about hanging out with kinky people: They're people, just like you and I. They enjoy doing many of the same things as you do. And, like you, they're kinky, too.

Not every interaction with your local community is going to be filled with kink, especially if you're in a vanilla setting. That being said, in my experience, when you get a group of kinksters together, we tend to talk about BDSM and sex a lot more than I do with my non-kinky friends. I imagine that's probably pretty common for all of us. Oh, and for anyone who thinks they're not kinky enough to hang out with the kinky people, think again.

So, what are the different ways to hang out with local kinksters?


A munch is just a gathering of kinky people at a vanilla setting. There's no real rule on time, place, or when but in my area, and probably in yours, too, munches tend to be in restaurants at slower times during the weekend. My favorite munch to attend is in a back room of a local diner from 2:00 p.m. until about 4:00 p.m. on the third Saturday of the month. The diner doesn't mind because most of us order something to eat, and it's in between the lunch and dinner rush.


I don't know how common these are around the country, but in my general region, munches are on the weekends, which rule out people who work every Saturday. An answer to that is a weekly or monthly “coffee time” in the middle of the week. Sometimes it's in a restaurant with a big enough room (depends on the size of your crowd) and sometimes it's in an actual coffee shop. It's late enough that people can eat dinner or just get a cup of coffee but ends early enough for people who have to get up to go to work the next morning.

General Meet-Ups 

Maybe you have a good munch and a new coffee-time, but someone wants to meet on a different day or at a different place. In my area, these are just “meet ups” but they work the same. Vanilla setting, on a weekly or monthly basis, in the same place each month – and the kinksters who can come show up.

Local BDSM Dungeon or Club

All clubs and dungeons function differently. Some are private and require invitation by the club owner or people they trust. Others are open for membership but you have to be sponsored or attend classes on the lifestyle before you can attend. Either way, these are places where you can watch a kinky scene or participate in one.

Saint Andrew's Crosses, spanking benches, medical play tables, suspension bars, and many other pieces of BDSM equipment will be found here. If you're not ready to play, you can usually hang out in a social area to chat and watch. And I haven't been to a dungeon or club yet that didn't have food – often brought in by regular attendees. It makes sense – kinky play takes a lot of energy, and you'll need to refuel.

Private Parties 

You can organize your own private party, or once you meet people and make friends, you might be invited to a play party. Typically, you can expect to have the opportunity to scene and play, but there should be no pressure to join in. Make sure you follow the rules of the house (or create your own if this is your party). The people who attend will hopefully understand basic protocols and show respect to you and your partner. If not, let the organizers know.

For those who want to have their own party, a word of caution. Invite people you trust to play safe, respect boundaries, and follow the rules. Don't invite people you know are trouble. You may never get anyone to come out to another party again if you do.

My recommendation for anyone new to the local lifestyle is to start with munches, coffee-times, and general meet-ups. This is a good way to get to know people and make friends. You'll also establish yourself within the local community, hopefully, as someone who understands or is willing to learn the lifestyle and can behave respectfully in public. People will learn to be comfortable with you and may invite you out to more private affairs.

And if you're scared and shy about walking into that restaurant or coffee shop, remember, everyone was new at some point. Most of the people you'll meet are very friendly. Just be up front and tell them you're new. The good ones will take you under their wing and make sure you have a good time.

Entering the Community Series

Part 1:  Finding Other Local Kinksters Using Online Resources

Part 2: Socializing with Kinksters

Part 3:  Understanding and Following General Protocols in Public

Part 4:  Who You'll Meet and What to Expect at a Munch

Part 5:  Who You'll Meet and What to Expect at a BDSM/Dungeon Play Party

Image via Kozzi