This is a guest post by  Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

"I am looking for a NEW SUBMISSIVE to collar as my slave."


This comment is perhaps one of the more common statements made by Male Dominant names in Internet chat rooms. It also occurs with Female Dominant names online too although not as frequently. New Female Dominant names tend to like to acquire 'stables' of cyber submissives. When questioned (as I have recently been doing.) the Dominant name cannot seem to pinpoint or openly discuss why they are looking for people (generally women) new to the D/s communities (via Internet exploration). In looking at the question pragmatically I eventually ask myself 'what is the difference between a 'new' submissive and a seasoned submissive?' The overt answer is obvious; a new submissive will be nervous, excited, vulnerable, more easy to persuade and less educated in the lifestyle. They are more likely to 'listen' to this Dominant name on the Internet and offer that unknown person instant respect and attention. They are more likely to 'believe' what that Dominant name tells them both about themselves and about how things work within this community. Within this belief this new submissive can be molded and told to discard simple sane safety measures, they can be convinced that they must listen to the wisdom of this Dominant name solely before and above all other persons, even if what they hear is not what others tell them.

Why is this Dominant name not looking for a seasoned submissive? Some will tell you that the 'training' of others (other Dominants) has in some way 'tainted' the submissive or made them respond in ways that the Dominant name does not agree with. This theory is not borne out in reality. A seasoned submissive (lifestyle active) will often experience many different styles of Domination and information exchange during their formative years as an unseasoned submissive within the community, especially if they are active within a local community group (this is real life folks!). This diversity of styles, thoughts, ideas and information broadens the base on which that submissive places their own understanding of self. Each individual must explore and examine the events of their life for validity within their own understanding. Our errors and misplaced moments of trust serve to teach us profound and important lessons about ourselves and others. A seasoned submissive will not offer 'instant' respect for an unknown stranger online who knows how to type in a Dominant name in a screen name box. They will be courteous and reserve judgment based on a long-term observation of that persons actions within the framework of the arena in which they exist. For many people this arena is the very limited exposure in Internet chatrooms, forums, onelists and message boards. If a seasoned submissive notes 'problem' language, disrespect of submissives, language that violates basic well-known community safety standards then a seasoned submissive will decide that the 'individual' may have problems and potentially may be completely without any real experience regardless of their protestations of expertise. Problem persons in control positions can lead to injury, damage and death. A seasoned submissive will err in favor of their own life and move away from continued contact.

A seasoned submissive is 'unlikely' to engage in artificial (cyber) collaring with a person known only via Internet typing and an occasional phone call. A full or formal collaring to a seasoned submissive is often the equivalent of a marriage contract. It is taken with enormous commitment and seriousness by the participants. It is frequently performed before large groups of community friends (real life in person) and acquaintances to introduce the 'couple' as a 'couple'. Within the online community the term 'collaring' has taken on the connotation of 'casual tryst'. It has become common to see people 'getting collared' after speaking online for a few days or weeks. It is equally common to see them getting 'uncollared' and re-collared to someone else at the drop of a hat. This action appears to be having some diminishing effects on the respect of this formal acknowledgment between Dominant and submissive of their devotion to each other.

A seasoned submissive is less likely to be persuaded by pressure to do 'things' or comply with orders quickly. They know that speed can be an enemy, they have no need for speed. BDSM relationships are not formed quickly but take the same time and care as in any vanilla relationship. Dominant and submissive stand on a level playing field if/until or when that relationship turns into a long-term commitment (real life). Scening fast with someone met online can be a death sentence as it is impossible for a stranger to know enough about someone to scene them safely. It is equally impossible for a new submissive to understand or know their range or limits and that lack of understanding makes it difficult or impossible for the new submissive to formulate limits and negotiate safe terms of play or scening. Many new submissives are simply unaware of the existence of a negotiation process within the relationship. They believe that they relinquish all choices when they 'submit' to a Dominant. This may be fun in the fantasy of D/s but it is not fun in the realities of life. Any Dominant who does not 'hear' the thoughts, ideas and concerns of the submissive they are with or plan to scene is in trouble. This is how accusations of abuse and limits violations occur, this is how people lose trust, this is how to injure and damage a person you are supposed to care about. This is not BDSM! The desire to 'scene heavy and fast' with a stranger is a huge warning to any submissive. The desire to become an 'instant' couple online may be a manifestation of personal insecurity on one or both persons parts. Some new people believe that the only way to 'prove' that they are Dominant or submissive is to be with, own or owned by someone whose presence validates their claim. In actuality many older community people believe that it is only when they are no longer in the reflection of their opposite and they still exist that they are closest to the reality of their inner self.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from  Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.