from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 12-05-15
Online submission was and still is a very popular choice for many people, especially the novice submissive and the curious outsider. But it also attracts the not so honest people, the predators and those looking for the weak and vulnerable for their own selfish needs. And that's why, if you wish to be an online submissive, you should know a bit about the personas you are going to encounter and how to handle sticky situations.
There are those who will say that online submission isn't real submission because you aren't face to face with the person and not actually doing anything for the Dominant directly. But, in my opinion, that is far from accurate. The majority of how we submit is in your head. It's the mindset we keep and maintain. It's the manner of submission and not the acts that make us submissive. Sure, it's pretty darned impossible to fetch your partner a drink or have BDSM exchanges or sex with them physically. But sex too can be done completely in the mind.
It can be quite a rush to be a submissive to someone, even simply in an online venue. There's nothing wrong with exploring when and where you can. Make sure you do it safely and adhere to your limits as you do so. Don't take everything you see or hear as truth and read everything with a grain of salt. Even the articles here on Submissive Guide. It may not all line up for you - and that's perfectly okay. As you figure out who you are and what you want from the BDSM world, you'll rely less and less on what other people have to say on topics because you'll begin forming your own opinions. And that must be your truth and your expertise. Always trust yourself first.
Now that I've given you a bit of a gloss over, if you want to read more about online submission there is a free* ebook called Making Your Online Submission Work For You and is a collaboration between myself and Jessica Elizabeth.
When you create a relationship that exists completely online or through technological means, you have to deal with the fantasy vs reality of it all. There are things that are complete fantasy and help to feed your mind and sexual center. But you also have things that can and do impact your real life. This line is one that can endanger you.
While it's a small few, there are people who can threaten your sense of trust and your own emotions. These are the wolves of the online D/s world. These people appear to you as men and women who are looking for trainees or novice submissives. Often they will initiate contact and compliment you on your profile or try to impress you from the start. A Dom like this will often present themselves as a trainer of novices or a mentor. Someone you don't know from Adam just can't be your mentor (unless you are paying them to learn about you, such as a life coach).
I don't believe in training from one Dominant to be "ready" for another. In my opinion, training is unique and special to each relationship. Also, much of what these wolves want to train you in are sexual in nature. Things like cyber play and orgasm control are not universal training needs. If you consider what this online wolf is asking of you as training, ask yourself if you'd be proud to put "lots of experience taking sexy selfies" on your resume to another Dominant. (Resumes are NOT required, this is just an analogy.)
Online training scams are everywhere and they are looking for novices who are new so that they can manipulate them into whatever they want for their own selfish gains.
First, there are legitimate financial Dominants out there. This isn't covering their services. The wolves we are covering here will use their role as your online Dom to try to get money from you. Often they will have money troubles and request help to pay bills or for a trip to come see you (that never happens). What makes this seem really fishy if you are paying attention is that they seem to be able to afford splurge items like new games or toys, but for some reason their bills are never paid. Steer clear of these wolves.
The most common scam that I've had people ask about in emails is a Dominant that requires the submissive to buy a kit of toys and tools for the Dom's dungeon to use just for them before they will agree to meet them. The cost is in the thousands you are directed to send your money to their accountant. This is just silly. Who would buy a dungeon full of equipment for someone they have yet to meet? And, in my experience, a Dominant sets up their own dungeon and supplies most of the tools used. A submissive can carry a toy bag too, but it's not required to buy stuff for the Dominant's dungeon.
The largest group of wolves are there for sexual satisfaction. They feel that novice submissives are very impressionable and will do anything they ask because they want to please and serve. I know when I was brand new I wanted to do anything to make a Dom happy. Even if I wasn't sure they were a Dom to begin with. And it's okay to do if you just want to get off too. There's nothing wrong with using each other for a bit of sexual satisfaction. But if you looking for a relationship you do not want to get tangled up with a wolf that is looking just for sex and play online. Wolves in this category won't give you any information about who they are and what information they do give is vague or false. They will say that Dominants don't have to share that information or that you have to earn it by doing something for them.
They will drop you like a hot potato when they've had their fill of you.
Getting into the danger zone are the wolves who won't take no for an answer. They pick and poke you to get anything they can. Begging for pictures, contacting you when you've told them to stop. Forcing you to take more drastic measures to get them to go away like blocking their number, changing your username/profile and it could get worse. It all depends on the amount of information you gave them when they were acting all sweet and loveable. Before they changed into a jerk you'd rather not deal with. Then they have all that ammo. If they have pictures and video of you (if you did any web cam with them, expect that it was saved), they could know your kids names, where you live and might even physically stalk you. This is dangerous and you should go to the authorities if you feel threatened at any time. Your sexual proclivities and BDSM exploration are nothing to share with the cops if this person is endangering you.
Stalking can lead to blackmail. If you don't stay with them, give them that selfie, have sex with them they will release the information they've collected on you. This wolf is pure predator and calling the cops on them should be a first step. Fear is not a way to live and they breed fear and distrust.
A story that was told to me in email was of a Dominant who insisted that the submissive see a "friend" of his for training before she would be able to see him. This friend took pictures and video of them having rough sex and posted them all over the web when she went back to the Dominant and said that she didn't want to ever see him again. He said he's remove the pictures if she would be his slave.
The amount of wolves are few, but they do lurk around the places that legitimate people are also searching for their perfect mate. I've been a novice submissive exploring online, I know the lure of some of these Dominants can seem too good to pass up, but you should. Treat your search for a Dominant like dating. You get to know someone through dating before you accept their marriage proposal, right? Same goes for that ever-precious collar. Don't accept one until you know you can trust this person with everything you are and everything you will become.
Explore safely and leave the wolves to lesser prey. You are a strong submissive. Use your knowledge and common sense to defrock the wolves before they get a chance to weave their web. If if feels off, listen to your gut and get out.
* The Online Submission ebook is a Pay What You Want Title. You can pick it up for free, or pay a fair price.
Thoughts to Ponder
- What advice would you give someone who wishes to explore BDSM online?
- How can you tell if the person behind the screen is trustworthy, honest and real?
- Have you heard any news stories of people who met online but terrible things happened? What do you think could have been done differently to help prevent it?