When I was a novice submissive I was single and searching for a Dominant to be my playmate, my partner, and my lover. I explored all the places online that existed at the time, many that do not exist now or have been replaced by better sites. I was, in a word, desperate, to experience BDSM and D/s and wanted it all now, no matter what I had to do or how naïve I appeared (and was).  I went on many first dates in my frenzy to have a Dominant. My first dates ran the gamut of things you can do and should do and definitely should not do.  So how far should you go on a first date?

First, I'd like to remind you that my experience and yours are different, sometimes very different. I'm not here to judge you or tell you that because you chose to do this and that and I tell you here that it's not recommended on first dates that it's wrong. It's just generally a poor idea. I don't know you. I can't be you. But I do hope that my suggestions and advice will allow novice submissives that haven't yet figured out how they want a first date to go some ideas and a solid foundation to start from.

Before you even set up a first date with a potential Dominant you should have an idea of what you are looking for in a partner. It's going to be hard at first, but you need to see past the BDSM haze that you want to try everything and really figure out what an ideal partner looks like for you. Yes, it's obvious that you want them to be compatible with you in the BDSM and D/s sense but what else? Do they have similar religious and political beliefs? Does that matter to you? What about morals? Plans for the future? Do they want children or marriage? Are they interested in a poly relationship but you want monogamy? These are all important questions that you should know the answers to and you should start asking these questions to someone who you think you'd like to meet before you meet them. Why waste time on a date if you find out that they just don't align well with other things you need in a partner besides their prowess with a cane?

If, after the initial conversations you find a lot of common ground then set up the date. For safety sake, make it in a public place (even if you are a male sub meeting a female Dominant). By public place I mean somewhere that is well-lit, other people will be around you and the doors aren't locked behind you. Good suggestions for first dates are restaurants, coffee shops, and even shopping centers. Even if the lusty attraction is strong, you both will have plenty of time to feed that lust after a safe first meeting.

I should have listened to that advice when I had it given to me long ago. Most of my first dates ended up in bed and in unsafe bondage or uncomfortable situations in a private setting. I was very cavalier in my frenzied lust for BDSM. My common sense just didn't scream loud enough. I hope that I don't have to scream at you to get you to hear what your gut is saying. Because you need to listen to it. Listen closely. If it feels wrong, then it is. No matter what reason is behind that, trust your gut feeling and analyze it later. Just get out of the situation.

Every single person has a different idea of how far to go on a first date or what a first date should involve. Some are perfectly okay playing on a first date, or meeting in a hotel room, or even flying half way across the country to meet someone they have never met before. What usually comes with these sorts of plans is experience, wisdom, and pre-planning. From safe calls, extensive background checks, assurance in themselves that they will be safe or a risk they are willing to take. Life is about picking a road you want to take.

So how far should you go on a first date? Here's the key: don't agree to go any further than you feel comfortable doing at that very moment. Don't make plans to play if you aren't sure you'll be attracted to them when you meet or if you don't know enough about them to be sure of their experience or whatever else might be causing hesitation. You want to go into the initial exchanges without hesitation. If you have that, listen to your gut and wait. There's nothing wrong with waiting. The best stuff can wait.

Don't listen to pressure. You know you'll get some too, the Dominants that aren't interested in more than what they can't have right away. The horny Dominants that just want to get you into the dungeon and do small talk after they've "tested" if you are a good enough sub. Sex and play do not make you a good sub, it makes you a bottom and a risky one if you are going to cave under pressure from someone you barely know.

Yes, a lot of people, including novice submissives may be looking just for casual play partners or experience with someone without a longer term partner. But this first date/meeting is important in these situations too. Allow me to be your voice of conscience and don't rush. You will find someone, they will wait for you to be ready and when you are it will be magical.

Thoughts to Ponder

  • What are your first dates like?
  • Do you have any advice for others who are getting ready to go on their first date with a Dominant?

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