I have met someone online and he has asked me to be his submissive. After much talk etc... I agreed he then asked for money as a gift to show commitment to him and to show I was serious about this ? This has made me wary I have done everything else he has asked and we have spoken both sexual and in general. I also asked for safe words and he said he's never needed them before. Should I be wary and back off?

Thanks,Getting Bad Vibes

Dear Bad Vibes,

While it’s very good that you spent time talking and feel like you got to know him before becoming his submissive, being asked for money as a sign of commitment to him and the D/s dynamic is not okay. You don’t have to pay someone to prove you want to be in this relationship. The only time that might be acceptable in a D/s relationship is if you have a financial fetish of some sort, but I’m guessing by your concern and your questions, you don’t. Please do not send him money, and if you have, consider it the cost of learning a hard lesson.

You have every right to ask for certain things within your relationship as this person’s submissive, including safe words. He may not use them when he plays with others, but if you want to use one, and he wants to be in a D/s relationship with you, that means he needs to use it. You have every right to negotiate what makes you feel safe and secure - especially in the beginning of the relationship - and that definitely includes safe words.

Anytime your instincts tell you to be wary, it’s a good idea to listen to them. In this case, this person is sending out red flags that he either doesn’t understand D/s or he’s posing as a Dominant and simply wants someone who will let him do what he wants. Stay safe out there, and don’t let anyone calling themselves a “dominant” bully or push you into doing anything that doesn’t make you feel safe or sound right to you.