It can be very scary approaching a Dominant and asking them to play with you. The butterflies in your belly can make it very difficult to take that first step. It can be every worse if you two don't negotiate the scene so that you get what you want out of it and s/he does too. Negotiating a scene is different than negotiating a relationship. I will be covering the play negotiation in this essay.  Negotiating play is vital for new players or for those who have never played together. Once you get to know someone it is likely that unless you have something you'd really like to experience you can forego some negotiation for spontaneity.

When you are ready to negotiate with someone have in mind what you would like to experience. You can be as specific as you'd like to be. Express what turns you on and what things you have tried in the past that really did it for you. Tell them your limits, and if you don't know your limits it's best if you go back to do your checklist again. It will give you a clue as to what you can and can't do as well as things that just aren't appealing.

Negotiating pre-scene can include (from wikipedia):

Arrangement of Roles - who will be the top and the bottom, participation of any other observers, and the way partners address each other;

Expectations and needs of both partners - likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other's needs;

Limits of the scene - boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences);

Types of play - practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation;

BDSM Gear and attire - what materials, adult toys and fetish wear will be used;

Duration of the scene - at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time;

Health concerns - talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD's, taking any medications and other;

Safety measures - any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong;

Sexual contact - what type of sexual activity is accepted if any;

Safe words - one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

  • Arrangement of Roles - who will be the top and the bottom, participation of any other observers, and the way partners address each other;
  • Expectations and needs of both partners - likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other's needs;
  • Limits of the scene - boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks, and resistance to various influences);
  • Types of play - practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation;
  • BDSM Gear and attire - what materials, adult toys and fetish wear will be used;
  • Duration of the scene - at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time;
  • Health concerns - talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD's, taking any medications and other;
  • Safety measures - any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong;
  • Sexual contact - what type of sexual activity is accepted if any;
  • Safe words - one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.