BDSM checklists all live under different names. You can call them limit lists, negotiation lists, negotiation checklists, and perhaps ones I’ve never heard of. They are all based on a similar idea. If you list the things you enjoy or don’t enjoy, you can easily share them with the person you want to play with to find out if you can build a scene that will satisfy both your needs and desires.
Diving into the deep end of the pool is never recommended, but when it comes to BDSM, many people crave just that. Thankfully, you’ve decided to research what you might like and how much of a kink it is to you. Using a BDSM checklist is one of the better ways to explore not only what possibilities await you, but also gives you a tool to use when talking to a potential play partner about what to do and the things you might enjoy.
What a lot of newer submissives don’t realize is that a checklist isn’t just about “What you do and don’t want done to you.” It’s a tool for self-knowledge that helps you explore your boundaries safely rather than impulsively. It gives you language for desires that may feel hard to express out loud. And in negotiation, it prevents you from freezing up or forgetting what you meant to say when nerves take over.
Most importantly, a checklist lets you slow down your exploration without losing any excitement. It’s structured curiosity; a way to be brave and careful at the same time.
What Is a BDSM Checklist?
A BDSM checklist is an exploration tool developed by BDSM practitioners to help them organize their kinks, fetishes, and interesting activities and provide them with a negotiation tool for playing with others. It is often a long, extensive list of likes and dislikes, things to try, and things to never do. Whether your checklist is long or short, it is not a measure of how kinky you are, so start where you are and build from there.
In practical terms, a BDSM checklist does three things:
1. It clarifies your boundaries.
Most people have unspoken limits they don’t realize are limits until someone bumps into one. A checklist gives you a chance to discover and articulate those limits before you’re in the middle of play.
2. It reveals your desires in a pressure-free way.
Sometimes it’s easier to check a box than to look someone in the eye and say, “Yes, I want that.” For many submissives, having a written list feels safer and less intimidating.
3. It creates a shared language for negotiation.
Instead of assuming, hinting, or hoping your partner simply “gets it,” you have concrete items to talk about, and that leads to safer, more satisfying play.
Read More: The Importance of Safety, Risk-Awareness and Consent in Pre-Scene BDSM Negotiation
The YES/NO/MAYBE List
The kind of list that I really like is the “Yes/No/Maybe” list. This list is a living document and can be updated as you grow and develop your submission. It doesn’t require you to look up terms you don’t know or figure out if you’d be into something you’ve never heard of. This list will give you a better view of your desires and limits than a premade list where you rank things by number, leaving you questioning if you really are kinky by the number of question marks you put down on things you don’t know.
A YES/NO/MAYBE list is deceptively simple, but incredibly powerful. It helps you see patterns you might otherwise overlook:
- What types of sensations consistently land in your YES column?
- Are your NO’s about personal limits, lack of interest, or safety concerns?
- Do your MAYBE’s share a theme (e.g., vulnerability, pain, power, taboo)?
These patterns can tell you a lot about the kind of submissive you are and the kind you might become.
Check Out – Answered: Your Burning Questions About What Is Expected Of You As a Submissive
Today, I’d like you to get together your Yes/No/Maybe list. See what you can come up with on your own. Even if you already have a limits list, start fresh.
First, take out a piece of paper or open a blank document on your computer and list all the sexual and BDSM activities you can think of, including the ones you wouldn’t choose for yourself. You can come up with things you’ve read in erotic novels, seen in movies, or heard about from conversations. This is not meant to be a list to end all lists; only a list of the things you are aware of.
Let me get you started:
Submission
Bondage
Spanking
Flogging
Nipple clamps
Gags
Blindfolds
Rough sex
Anal sex
Expanding Your Brainstorm List
If you want to deepen the process, try also brainstorming by category:
- Sensation: impact, temperature play, biting, pressure, scratching
- Power exchange: obedience, rules, titles, service tasks
- Emotional/psychological play: humiliation, praise, fear play
- Bondage/restraint: rope, cuffs, tape, restrictive positions
- Roleplay: pet play, age play (non-sexual), authority roles
- Sexual activities: oral, toys, positioning, edging
- Control-based activities: orgasm control, chastity, behavioral training
Sometimes seeing categories reminds you of possibilities you never would’ve listed on your own.
After you finish the big list of all possible activities, make three columns on your piece of paper. At the top, mark them YES, NO, and MAYBE. In the YES column, write all the items you know you like or want to try. The NO column is for the things that are out of your limits at this time, or things you don’t want to do. The MAYBE column is for things you might like to do with the right person, or that you might be turned on by or interested in, but that you need to figure out the safety around. This is the exploration list.
And just in case you didn’t think of them, here are a few things that end up on the NO list of many experienced players:
- Temporary marks
- Permanent marks
- Play with urine or feces
- Play with guns or knives
- Sexual or genital play or penetration
- Unsafe sex
- Breathing constriction
- Use of drugs and alcohol
- No touching areas or sensitivities
- Triggers (like “Don’t use belts, they remind me of childhood abuse.”)
Why NO’s Matter Just As Much As YES’s
Many new submissives worry that saying NO makes them “not submissive enough.” Not true. Your NO column is an essential safety tool. It protects you, guides your partners, and helps you stay confident during negotiation.
NO’s are allowed to change with time, but they don’t have to. Treat them as boundaries, not failures.
Look at the YES column and mark it with an ‘N’ if you need it to have a good play session. You can mark the rest with ‘W’ for want, including some in the MAYBE column. These are the icing on the cake items that make play fascinating, challenging, and fun.
If you want to take your thought process further, you can rewrite the MAYBE column and add a rating to each item. Ask yourself how interested you think you might be, and rate them 1 to 5, with 5 being “most interested” and 1 being “not that interested but might with the right partner.”
This is where your self-knowledge sharpens. A 5-star MAYBE is very different from a 1-star MAYBE. One signals, “I’m curious and excited,” while the other says, “I’m open, but cautious.”
You can look for a negotiation checklist online or in books. These lists include important information, such as talking with potential partners about health issues, triggers, medications, etc. Each list is detailed, so find one that meets your needs.
Here are two that I especially like:
- Before Scene Interview by Norische
- ‘Not a Checklist’ Negotiation Sheet for BDSM Bottoms by Tornus (PDF)
Pre-made lists can fill in your blind spots. They remind you of things you may never think to discuss, such as STI status, pain tolerance, aftercare needs, physical limitations, mental health needs, safe words, and boundaries around intimacy.
Using Your Checklist for Negotiation
Coming into the negotiation unprepared can lead to many issues and disappointments for the scene. Make sure you know your BDSM checklist and what you want and need from the scene and your play partner before negotiating.
An important part of negotiating a scene is discussing what you want from it. Sure, there are a lot of comprehensive BDSM checklists that you could fill out if you don’t want to really think about what turns you on and drives you crazy with pleasure. But since you have made this checklist yourself, you are more aware of what’s in it and more invested in getting what you want and need out of play.
So, when you and a potential partner are discussing play activities, you can pull out the checklist and go over it together, making notes of things you both want to explore and might want to explore together. You can also cover your safety and health issues that are important to mention.
Explore this article: When Words Fail: The Hidden Cost of Silence in Submission
Pro Tip: Discuss the Scene Structure, Not Just the Activities
It helps to cover:
- What mood you want: sensual, intense, playful, strict
- What emotional tone you’re hoping for
- What type of aftercare you need
- What hard limits, soft limits, and green-light activities you want to prioritize
- How you react to pain, fear, or restraint
- Your experience level
- Any stop-before points (e.g., “No marks,” “No stripping,” “Stop at tears,” etc.)
This context helps Dominants or tops shape the scene to fit you, rather than just checking off activities.
Checklists for negotiation can be overwhelming if you are both new to each other, so you can just pull out your YES list and go over that together. It might make it easier for you to know precisely what you enjoy or are interested in. After all, you likely wouldn’t do any of the MAYBE list with a new partner (in my opinion, you shouldn’t).
Early on in relationships or during casual play, I recommend you not try to do it all. Pick one or two items from your YES list and stick to those items. After all, you can always play again later if you connect well and can do another one or two things together!
Why Small Scenes Are Safer
New partners need time to learn each other’s:
- reactions
- emotional tells
- tolerances
- pacing
- triggers
- preferred aftercare
A focused scene lets you learn safely while building trust, without overwhelming either of you.
Whether you make your own checklist or use one readily available, there’s no question that using one is helpful to your own exploration and for your play encounters. Your checklist is part of your BDSM toolkit and should be prominent. Look at it from time to time and update it when you feel you’ve had changes or you have more to add! Growth over time is expected and encouraged.
Your Checklist Will Change, And That’s a Good Thing
As you gain experience, you’ll:
- upgrade limits
- discover new desires
- retire certain activities
- change your relationship to pain or power
- develop different emotional needs
Updating your list is a form of self-care and self-advocacy. Think of it like a map of your evolving sexuality and submission.
And remember: the goal of a checklist isn’t to make you “kinkier.” It’s to help you play safely, confidently, and authentically, and to make sure your partners know how to please you well.
Originally published July 27, 2009. Updated and expanded July 1, 2026
