The Controversy of Safe Words during Punishment

A few months ago, a heated topic was being discussed in a lifestyle group that I’m a member of on Facebook. The reason the topic became so heated was that, well, of me. I wasn’t really surprised by this because well, I do have a tendency to create controversy. It was so bad this time, I was waiting for the owner of the group to give me the boot. The topic of conversation was safewords and punishment. While the majority (everyone but me)felt that having a safeword during punishment is a necessity, while I, on the other hand, strongly disagreed with this.

I know that by sitting on my side of the fence I’m playing devil’s advocate, but before you all decide to throw stones and want to cast me out into the darkness, let me explain myself. Back in 2006, I had my first ever full-time M/s relationship. I moved from Indiana to Wisconsin to live with a Gorean couple I met on CollarMe. Everything was rather high to mid protocol most of the time. Having to ask permission to use the bathroom, not being allowed to eat until he had already taken his first bite, kneeling at the door naked in a specific position when he came home from work and that’s just a few of the things. One very specific rule that was shared with me was that during punishment(with a razor strap and let me tell you, that mofo can do some damage!), there was no safeword. This was something I blindly accepted at the time and I think a lot of it had to do with being young and naïve. Sadly enough, there did come a time during that relationship where I was punished in anger(yeah, another huge no-no)and despite me screaming red multiple times(which did cause me to end up gagged), the punishment didn’t end until he saw fit. This little incident caused some severe bruising that didn’t heal until about after three months or so and needless to say, I left before all the bruising had healed(like within 24 hours).

Despite that extremely negative experience with not having a safe word in place during punishment, I find myself yet again in another relationship where safe words are not allowed during punishment and I don’t fear to have a repeat of what happened last time.

I’m sure a lot of you who are reading this are shocked and possibly appalled that I would allow myself to be in a relationship that didn’t allow a safe word during punishment. Before Daddy, I did have other men who I did think about belonging to. While I was under their consideration, believe me, I thoroughly pushed and insisted on the fact that there was a safe word during punishment. There was no way in hell I was allowing a repeat of what had happened to me while I was in Wisconsin. Even though I had sort of(there wasn’t really any formal commitment on either party’s part)submitted to these men, I didn’t trust them enough to punish me without having something in place. And yes, I know since I didn’t really trust these guys, I probably shouldn’t have been scening with them, but like everyone else, I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes when it comes to the lifestyle.

But anyways, back to my original point. I saw being able to receive punishment without having to have a safe word in place as a huge sign of trust, not something I would do with just anyone. Yes, before being collared, this was a discussion that Daddy and I had. I told Him that yes, I would like to have that, but that was something that would take time because of what had previously happened and yes our relationship eventually got to the point where I needed a safe word. How we got there was because whenever any punishments(usually corner time for something major)Daddy was there while corner time was being carried out and did make sure that something didn’t go wrong. And afterward, we talked about it, what I had done, how it had made each of us feel, and what was going to be done in the future to keep it from happening again. I know with Daddy keeping an eye on me while the punishment is happening, that if something severe happens, then I know the punishment will be stopped to take care of whatever issue has arisen. That is exactly what a good owner does.

Receiving punishment without having a safe word in place isn’t for everyone. Something else I fully believe as well is whether you have a safe word in place fully depends on the punishment. If your punishment is writing lines or a report(been there done that one too!)or something else along those lines, I believe there’s really no need for one. But again, that is a decision that is completely up to you and your owner. It takes a lot of time and trust to get to that point and if one never feels comfortable about receiving punishment without a safe word, there’s nothing wrong with that either. The lifestyle is all about making it work for you.