Full Question: I am a submissive female. I broke up with my boyfriend because he pushed me too far and I wasn’t in a position to slow him down. I have/had a safeword, but I wasn’t able to use it because I was umm . . . in a vulnerable position. What other ways are there to slow things down, besides using a safeword?
Answer:
Having a safeword is important, but so is being comfortable and able to use it when it’s needed. You don’t specify why you couldn’t use it so I’m going to take some liberties with answering this question.
You are responsible for telling the Top that you have reached a limit and play needs to stop. Tops are not mind-readers. So, using your safeword when it’s needed is definitely on you. You should never withhold your safeword. If you fail to check-in when something doesn’t feel right or you’ve reached a limit for whatever reason, it can lead to injury, emotional trauma, and a Top that feels violated.
What most people don’t realize is that a safeword isn’t the only way you can communicate limits during playtime. Unless there has been some pre-negotiation to suspend the use of words like stop, no, slow down, and hang on then they are perfectly acceptable words to use if you need them to stop and can’t use your safeword for whatever reason. A responsible partner is going to listen and check-in with you. Just because you have a safeword does not mean normal communication is not allowed.
There will be occasions during BDSM play where you’re tied up, gagged, or otherwise unable to vocalize. In these cases, it is nice to have a backup signal to slow or stop the play. When you can’t talk you need a safe object.
When the time comes that you may need a way out of a scene then these can be some useful signals.
- Hold a set of keys or another noisy item in your hand to drop when needed.
- A dog trainer’s clicker to raise an alarm.
- Hand signals.
- Making three clear and rhythmic grunts as a pre-defined signal to stop.
- Top places finger in bottom’s hand; squeeze to check in with an ‘OK’.
- Something easily visible in low light, glow sticks work well.
So even if using your safeword doesn’t feel right or available, it shouldn’t stop you from telling your partner how you’re feeling in the moment if things don’t feel right. So speak up, your partner will appreciate it.