Full Question:
I am a new sub to the BDSM scene. Since my partner and Dom recently learned that I like being submissive, he has encouraged me to look into the BDSM community. The one thing that concerns me is everything in D/s relationships seems to lead back to SM, and I am not a masochist.
I am struggling to work out how these two mesh together.
Answer:
BDSM is a huge acronym, and it does include D/s and SM. It stands to reason that there will be a crossover. However, being submissive does not always mean being a masochist.
Dominant and submissive are personality types or behavior preferences, and sadomasochism is part of sexual identity and kink preference. D/s is the relationship style for Dominants and submissives. Tops and bottoms are the roles people apply to themselves during SM play to describe who gives and receives the sensations during play. Tops and bottoms may not be Dominant and submissive outside of playtime.
I’m a masochist, wired to get sexual pleasure from pain. I’m also submissive. For me, these two things go together. But, they do not have to go together at all.
A misunderstanding propagated in online communities is that you have to like pain to be submissive. Masochism is part of your sexual identity; you either have it or don’t. No one can make you like pain, but you can learn to accept pain for your Dominant if that is your wish. Doing so does not make you a masochist.
Now, submitting to pain to please the Dominant is different and can bring your further into your submission the more you take from your Dominant, but it’s not required and should never be forced.
Masochists come in all forms, and the majority are also submissive; however, I know several Dominants that like pain and instruct their submissives to give them pain during play. Switches are known to like both, but that isn’t always the case.
So while it’s common to see the two terms connected, they are not.
