I am an avid feminist. I believe in the equality of men and women in every way and I am not shy about voicing my opinion. I work for the campus women’s center promoting healthy relationships, anti-rape campaigns, and an awareness that the world is not as equal as many people like to pretend. I study domestic violence and sexual assault and work avidly to reduce its instances on campus, and ideally, with the help of a Ph.D. that I am so desperately trying to obtain, nationally.
Many of my friends, both vanilla and kinky, seem to think that there is a HUGE discrepancy between my belief in equal rights of men and women and my position as a full-time submissive. I think that this is something that needs to be addressed.
As a feminist, I believe that men and women need to have an equal place in the relationship to air their feelings and concerns. I believe that no one should be hurt – emotionally or physically within the relationship. I believe that both parties should feel uninhibited to leave the relationship at any time if is no longer meeting their needs. I have no problem with stay-home moms, so long as the mom wants to be there and is not mandated to be there against their will. I am the primary cook and cleaner in my house right now because I have the time and the skills to do so, but these are by choice and not forced upon me by someone else.
Now, let us take a look at how BDSM actually fits really well into my feminist beliefs.
Any healthy BDSM relationship should be following SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). Yes, in play some couples choose to use RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink), but these phrases, in terms of the relationship surrounding your kink, should be conscious of SSC.
I always put consent as the most important aspect of BDSM. Everything about your relationship should be consensual. If you choose to pursue a Master/slave relationship in which you technically cannot say no, that is fine, but you consensually made that decision. Even within an M/s relationship, if something is very much against a limit, then that needs to be communicated. There is no such thing as a relationship without limits, and while limits should be pushed, that is why we are in the lifestyle, we like to push our own limits, your Dominant needs to be aware of your limits and be conscious of them. You should never be forced to do something you are staunchly opposed to. You may not feel like doing the laundry, you may not like doing the laundry, but you had an equal say in writing your contract and if you agreed to do the laundry, then you need to do the laundry. If you feel like doing the laundry isn’t doing it for you anymore, you should have the opportunity to express that to your Dominant.
Many times submissives forget that they have a say, and that is dangerous, and this is where relationships turn from fun, consensual BDSM relationships, to abusive. As a submissive, and really even as a slave, you have power over your own well-being. Communication has to happen in order for you to express your opinion. Personally, Chief (my Master), wants me to bring up even small grievances because while he is in control over a very large part of me, I need to still have my needs met. He may not care that I’m not super in the mood for a certain position, but if I tell him that I really, really cannot handle a play session with belts, he will listen.
That transitions well into, Safe. Your relationship MUST be safe. There are risks associated with the types of play that we engage in, but you and your partner need to be aware of these risks when partaking in these activities. Before Chief and I began experimenting with knife play, we both did a lot of research: where was it safest to cut, what were danger areas, are some knives better than others, etc. We also kept safety tools on hand, towels, Band-Aids, antiseptic. We needed to make sure that I was not going to become sick or sustain a long-term injury from the play.
Safe also refers to your emotional health. Whether you come into the relationship with heavy emotional baggage or not, you need to be aware that BDSM also is emotionally trying. Sub drop can be dangerous. Some play activities can be triggering. Both Dominants and submissives can suffer from burnout. Both parties need to be aware of the emotional health of both partners. Triggers need to be discussed before play. Emotional states should also be evaluated before entering into a scene. You, as the submissive, need to watch your own head as well. I know that when I am depressed knife play will be triggering, thus when I feel myself slipping into a depression, I need to tell Chief this. Similarly, if Chief is mad at me for something, we know never to enter into a scene. Beating me out of anger and using the excuse that we are in a scene is unacceptable. Physical punishment can be used, but not in the heat of anger – physical punishments, or even emotional punishments, out of anger are abuse.
Everything within play and the relationship must also be sane. If your dominant has been diagnosed with an aggression disorder, then you need to take that into account when looking at your relationship. If you have a mental disorder, you need to talk to your dominant about it. If you forgot to take your meds, you might not be okay to play. Similarly, if your meds make you dizzy for an hour after taking them, then you shouldn’t be playing during this time!
Sane goes beyond this, however. BDSM play should not be carried out under the influence of drugs or alcohol. When mind-altering substances are involved play is no longer sane, limits may be pushed too far resulting in emotional or physical damage. Consent may be ignored on activities, which can cause a lot of long-term problems. Sane also refers to the type of activities being carried out. My kink is not your kink, and I understand that, but you and your partner need to be on the same page about the level of sanity of any activity.
All of that being summarized so long as your relationship (both in play and out of play) follows SSC standards, then you have a healthy relationship, and there is nothing that detracts from the fact that I believe men and women deserve equal rights.