Question: I am just starting out on my sub journey. I know very little. That being said, I have learnt loads in the last few weeks. I have met a Dom, and we’ve been chatting, etc., and he’s been amazing answering all my questions. He is a sadist.
We’ve just touched on punishment and he said I really to think about it before we chat about it. I asked for clarification and he said I need to consider how I would feel receiving a physical punishment. He said he does not do funishment and it will not be pleasant.
My question is, as a sub, what exactly should I be thinking about regarding punishment?
Answer:
This is an important and often misunderstood topic, especially for newer submissives. First, it’s essential to know that not every D/s dynamic includes punishment at all, and that’s completely valid. Incorporating discipline or consequences is a choice, not a requirement. Some relationships function just fine without it. Others may explore punishment in very structured ways as part of their power exchange. What matters most is mutual consent and clarity.
Since your potential Dominant has made it clear that he doesn’t do “funishment” (playful, often consensually staged punishment), and that physical punishment from him is intended to be unpleasant, this becomes an even more serious consideration for you.
Here are some things to reflect on and discuss before moving forward:
1. Is punishment something you actually want in your dynamic?
Do you feel motivated or fulfilled by having discipline and consequences? Or does the idea of receiving painful punishment feel anxiety-inducing or unappealing? It’s okay to say no to punishment altogether.
2. What kind of punishment is on the table?
Physical punishment can mean many things: spanking, paddling, caning, or other forms of impact. Are there any specific methods you’re curious about or not okay with? Your comfort and safety matter.
3. What are your hard and soft limits?
Before any punishment is introduced, you need to talk honestly about what you’re not okay with (hard limits) and things you might consider with caution (soft limits). Make a list if it helps. You’re allowed to have boundaries, even in a punishment-based dynamic.
4. Will you use a safeword during punishment?
Safewords must always apply—even during punishment scenes. Just because something is meant to be unpleasant doesn’t mean it should be unsafe or unconsensual. Your Dominant should never override a safeword. Ever.
5. What’s the purpose of punishment in your relationship?
Some people use punishment as a behavioral tool, others for emotional catharsis or control exchange. But you both need to be aligned on why it’s happening. Punishment without purpose can easily become abuse.
6. How will repair and aftercare be handled?
Even when punishment is consensual, it can stir up deep feelings. Talk about what you might need emotionally afterward, and whether your Dominant is willing to provide support, even if they were “disappointed” in your behavior.
At the heart of all this is informed consent. Just because a Dominant introduces an idea doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Consider whether this dynamic type is right for you, and what your personal boundaries are.
Take your time, explore, and ask questions. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and empowered at every step of your journey.