Do you have any advice for someone in a triad that is constantly feeling like a third wheel because the other female sub puts a constant emphasis on being “wife” and legally married to the male dominant of the relationship? Saying we are equal to him, but her actions and words don’t back it up causing constant turmoil in the relationship. Yes, we’ve discussed it numerous times over the past two years. Every time she apologizes with a but I am his wife attitude or actually says it.
Thank you in advance,
fed up with being treated poorly by her
Dear fed up,
Being the “wife” in KnyghtMare’s poly life I think I can understand what she’s going though but I know what you are going through also. She feels she should have some special sway on how things work and be held at a higher plane because she wears his ring. But if you are his submissive too, you also wear a ring – around your neck. The only thing that differentiates you in a level triad is that she has legal rights that you don’t. It sounds like you all are striving for a triad where both submissives are on equal footing. What I wonder, since it wasn’t indicated in your brief question, is how does your Dominant respond to these interactions?
If he stands firm that she’s not to have any special privilege in the dynamic then he needs to be the one to work on her behavior with her. Continue to raise your issue with him and be adamant about him working on the issue for the health of the relationship because right now you feel unwelcome and unhappy. If he wants to keep you around he will need to set the wife straight, frequently if need be. But what you can do about it is keep bringing it to his attention that she’s treating you poorly and express how unhappy you are with the constant turmoil she causes.
If, on the other hand, he just let’s her act this way and says the two of you should work it out then I’d have some serious concerns over his control of the dynamic. A Dominant that wishes a fluid triad isn’t going to want to foster angst and stress in his partners. I feel a Dominant that doesn’t want to exert his control where it matters, isn’t really in it for the success of the dynamic but for other reasons. The turmoil would never resolve with this sort of behavior in a Dominant.
The wife may not be cut out to have a triad, as has happened in my relationship with KnyghtMare. The need to feel special and singular in his heart lead me to push back and ultimately came to realize that I’m monogamous. His other relationships no longer try to integrate me and it has brought about a sense of shaky peace between us. There are all sorts of poly relationship styles that could suit her better than a triad. She may be having similar feelings to what I had – especially if poly wasn’t her idea.
Now, this is all speculation, of course since I can only get so much information from your email but I do hope that you realize that your happiness is most important to your success in any relationship, this or any other. You’ve already been miserable because of the wife treating your poorly for 2 years. How long will you allow yourself to feel like an unwanted outsider before you decide it isn’t worth it?