Question: My Dom disappoints me sometimes….how can I open up to him about it?
Answer:
It can be really hard to confront your Dominant when they’ve disappointed you in some way. As submissives, we can feel that raising concerns about our Dominant’s behavior isn’t allowed or at the very least, isn’t submissive-like. But in all relationships, open and honest communication is very important.
What often leads to disappointment in a relationship?
People can feel disappointment in a relationship when their expectations are not being met. There are basic, universal expectations that we look for in healthy relationships – mutual expressions of love, faithfulness, kindness, respect, honesty, and caring. Make sure you have realistic expectations of your partner.
Often, when people disappoint you it’s because you’ve created a vision of how you think things “should be.” When you don’t see those characteristics in your partner, it can make you feel disappointed in them, but the reality is that you were viewing them through a different lens than a more realistic one.
Of course, it is normal to have certain expectations of your Dominant partner. That’s why you need to be able to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling.
Here are some steps to setting up an environment for a talk with your partner.
1. Know what you are going to say.
You need to really think about what needs to be said if you are the one to request a time to talk. Have your topic and points in mind. Nothing can derail a talk faster than not having your words altogether and ready to share them. If you need to write your thoughts down then do it.
2. Set up a date.
Tell your partner that you would like to request some of their time to talk. Do it as respectfully as possible and never demand their full attention right away. Set a date for it. This way they will know you mean business and what you have to say is important. Several couples that I’m friends with have a weekly meeting where they can do all their talking. It works because that time has been set aside just for a safe talk.
3. Remove distractions.
The location that you choose to talk in has just as much importance as the talk itself. You should turn off all music and television. Put your phones on silent. Bring the children to a sitter. Don’t do this kind of talking in a public place.
4. Use “I” statements.
Try your best to not attack the other person. One way do to this is to start your feeling sentences with “I feel.” So for example, instead of saying “You make me angry when you…” you can say “I feel upset when you….” What this does is turns an accusation into an explanation of feelings.
5. Be honest.
This may seem like a given, however, I feel it’s important in even power exchange relationships to remind you that honesty is the best, even if it’s painful. Bad things always come out of lying.
6. Look for effort, not perfection.
Your Dominant may slip up from time to time. As long as there is a consistent effort, your relationship will continue to grow and communication between you will be easier.
Your Dominant needs to be able to feel safe communicating with you as well, so open your mind for their thoughts and feelings, don’t take things personally, and be able to compromise to achieve a balance in the relationship.