The excitement of a new D/s relationship is often the first thing that a novice submissive seeks. How else are they going to learn about play, and submission than in a relationship, they might reason. There is a better, more prepared way than jumping into a relationship with someone before you are ready. Taking the time to really know yourself and what you want from a relationship will make you better able to handle a D/s relationship and less likely to have your heart broken.
Being a single submissive preparing for a relationship is just about as much work as those of us in relationships. Personal development should be your main focus. So, as a novice what is it you need to know about yourself before you seek a relationship? I have six very important tasks that should help you prepare for a happy future. Let’s learn together what your expectations are, what you can offer and who you are as a submissive.
1. What kind of submissive are you?
You may not know this at first, but submissives come in all sorts of types and predilections. Understanding what sort of submissive you are will help you find a Dominant that matches you well. A few common submissive types are full-time, service-oriented, sexual, domestic, kitten/pup/pony, slave, property. Learn about as many types as possible and then figure out where you place yourself amidst them.
2. What do you have to offer a Dominant?
If you ask a submissive what they want in a Dominant it’s very likely you will be presented with a laundry list of things they are looking for. But have you even given any thought to what you can offer a Dominant? What skills and positive behavior traits do you have that would make you attractive as a submissive? Being aware of what makes you a valuable person and submissive can go a long way in your personal development. It can not only help you find things to enhance but also where you need to work to improve yourself.
Activity: If you had to put yourself up for sale on an auction site, what would the description be like?
3. What are your wants and needs?
Your wants and needs in a relationship have always been my first questions when asked for advice about where to start in BDSM. I’ve got a whole series here on Submissive Guide about your wants and needs if you want to read them. And if you are a member of the newsletter you received my more in-depth report on wants and needs. Your needs are some of the most important points to a possible relationship. In order for these needs to be met you have to know what they are and talk to potential Dominants about them.
4. Do you have a BDSM activity checklist?
If you are kinky at all you’ll want to have a list of activities that you enjoy and ones you don’t. It’s also helpful for novices to have a list of activities that you’ve heard about and are curious enough to try or get more information on. Submission is not always a part of the kinky activities that many of us engage in, so if you are not interested in a little bondage and what not, make sure you say so.
The internet is full of checklists that you can print off and fill out. Each one seems to try to outdo the other and get more and more detailed and off the wall. You really don’t need all that. Start with what you know and build from there. Don’t feel bad if you look at a 10-page list and don’t know what something is; it’s likely that others (including myself) don’t either.
5. What type of relationship are you looking for?
Are you looking for a casual partnership or a full-time romance? Is your idea of a perfect relationship one that has the kink in the bedroom only? Just as there are so many different types of submissives, there are relationships to match those preferences. As you learn and grow in submission your ideal relationship could change as well.
You could be looking for play partner relationships at first but then move to a weekender relationship with someone you care for and ultimately you want the married with 2 kids relationship. Knowing what you want now and what you are looking for in the future will definitely help you in your search for a partner that is compatible with you.
6. What are your long term goals and dreams?
Lastly, you should ways look beyond the here and now and think about what your long term goals, dreams, and plans are. Do you want children? Marriage? A house? What about the type of job you want? All of these things need to be compatible with a partner as well; especially if you want a lifetime relationship. Don’t forget that the vanilla things in life should match up too!
Thoughts to Ponder
- What have I left out of this list that you think is just as important?
- If you are in a relationship, did you have these things figured out beforehand or did you learn as you went?