Thank you Mrs. Darling for answering this reader’s question!
Dear Submissive Guide,
I’m hoping you can offer some advice to a newbie. I’ve met a Dom online, we had a first date (just lunch) and will be meeting again shortly to negotiate a contract. I have never ever done this before. I’m overweight and over 50. She is younger. I’ve been researching different things and find your site so very helpful. I am super self conscious about my weight and being nude in front of someone in any other position but flat on my back is unnerving to me. With that in mind I’m afraid I will be too inhibited to do all that she asks of me. Any advice?
Hello dear reader and thank you for sharing some of your fears so openly here, particularly one that is so shared amongst others.
I don’t know if it is ever really easy to present yourself in the nude to a new partner, is it? There is always a question of, “Are they looking at me funny? Judging me harshly? Not happy with what they see?” Add into that a D/s dynamic where there is the giving up of control, the sadistic partners, the potential of humiliation, etc and the task becomes even more daunting sometimes.
Here are a few tips for moving from sweating over this prospect to looking forward to sharing your body with a new partner.
1. Spend a few hours drafting your submissive resume, even if you don’t think you need it or will use it. This is a great way to build yourself up in your submission. As you write out everything you have to offer a Dominant, your concerns over not having a six pack can dissipate. I may not have the thinnest arms, but I give one hellova back rub! Start to see your worth as more than a number on a scale. Check out Developing a Submissive Resume
2. As you negotiate a contract with a Dominant, be exceedingly honest and clear about some of your insecurities. Consider making hard limits to include public and private humiliation, or whatever the root of your fears are. Part of the beauty of Power Exchange dynamics is the necessity for open and honest communication. Your new partner cannot properly lead you if they don’t understand what is going on inside your head. Honesty is sexy too. And a new partner listening and responding well to your insecurities is a great way to begin creating a mutual trust and respect.
3. Continue reading and researching your way into a healthy body image. Here is the Submissive Guide resource page on improving body image.
4. Now this may seem like a leap but hang in there with me: consider making a goal of playing in public, at a play party or private party or local dungeon. If the thought terrifies you, let me suggest that you attend an event first just to pay witness to all the perfectly imperfect Dominant and submissive bodies on display and how amazingly sexy they all are. Sexy as hell. Sexy in their connection, sexy in their bareness, sexy in their confidence. I notice the smiles, the moans, the eyes engaged in power exchange meeting, the kneeling, the embraces. Not whether they are carrying a few pounds extra or not. We’re just bones and meat. The other stuff is what matters.
When you feel ready to play in public, it can be intimidating at first, but it’s worth it. Because you have to fight past your body insecurities and lay them aside to properly connect with your Dominant. You need to give them all of your attention and in order to do that, you need to put aside everybody else. You suddenly stop caring about what anybody else thinks of you. All that matters is you and your Dominant. It’s truly an altering experience.
5. Lastly, do something about your body to make you feel good in your skin. It can be extra primping before a play session, hair grooming, new perfume/cologne, adding in some exercise for an energy boost. It’s about finding a way to love yourself first and then in turn offering up somebody amazing to a worthy Dominant.
Lastly, remember: if a good, quality Dominant picks you, well, let that be your guide. They see you and accept you… all of you…
It’s time for you to do the same.
Good luck and kind regards,
Mrs. Darling