One of the first steps in many D/s relationships is to establish a list of rules. For submissives like myself, rules are actionable, real expressions of the dynamic and our commitment to our Dominant. They offer a structure in which we can express our devotion, maintain our mindset, and live out our submission in consistent, fulfilling ways.
I’ve always believed that rules and instructions, when given with mutual consent and understanding, are an act of love in a D/s dynamic. They’re not always easy, but the challenge of learning and applying them to my life brings me pride and happiness. They are, in part, a reason I feel owned, cared for, and guided by my Dominant. And when my Dominant observes me following the rules, and yes, even corrects me when I misstep, I feel their support and the value they add in helping me become the best version of myself.
Why Rules Matter
I was so excited when my Dominant gave me my first set of rules. It felt like a gift that said, “You matter to me. Your growth matters and your service is important.” Rules gave me a direction to move in and a way to be close to them, even when we were apart. They became a way for me to remain connected to them throughout the day, a lifeline to my submissive identity.
Some rules are simple—daily rituals, phrases to use, or expectations about behavior. Others are more personal and specific, such as habits I’m working on or areas where we have identified I need improvement. No matter why the rule exists, they anchor my day as positive touchpoints for our dynamic. My purpose gets reaffirmed each time I evaluate if I’m following the rules given, and they ground me when I need to be reminded why I wanted to be submissive in my day-to-day life.
It’s important to note that following rules isn’t at all about being mindlessly obedient. Rules are intentional priorities and values that are important to the dynamic. They are things that enhance and improve myself for my partner and me. Every single time I complete a task or follow a rule to the letter, I am reaffirming that I want to be in this dynamic and that I honor my submission to them. That’s powerful.
Submission with Purpose
The submissive mindset doesn’t always come naturally, or easily for that matter, especially when life is stressful, busy, or you’re thrown through unexpected loops. Without rules, it’s easy to drift from one time check to another. But having expectations helps with even the most chaotic moments in life. My rules remind me who I am and who I serve, even when we’re apart, or when the world threatens to keep us from living peacefully. They shape my days and frame my efforts. Rules give me a sense of progress, milestones to reach for, and a chance to learn and build my self-discipline.
I’ve discovered that submission is not something I do, it’s something within me—a beat to my step and a rhythm that reverberates off my heart. Rules give me a system to practice the submission that fuels me. Love and service are things I purposefully do to display my devotion and commitment to my partner. And guess what? Rules are the framework where those actions thrive.
Some submissives require minimal structure to thrive in submission. I am not one of those. I love clearly defined rules and expectations. Neither is better than the other; it’s a personal preference that you find works for you or not. For those of us who crave structure, detailed rules can be a blessing. They aren’t restrictions to us; they are freedom from uncertainty and feeling aimless. When there are clear-cut rules, we don’t have to worry about interpretation or getting them wrong. It is because the rule tells us precisely what we have to do.
The Emotional Value of Rules
It might be strange to someone outside the BDSM lifestyle, but I’ve often felt that having rules is one of the most profound ways my Dominant shows they care. Without rules to guide my submission, I feel aimless, without the hum of control keeping me in the center of the lane. But when they set rules, they notice me and pay attention. They guide my actions and behaviors in ways that benefit them and help me grow. I know it takes time, believe me, I know, to establish them into habit and routine, but that effort is significant to me.
And when they acknowledge that I’m being obedient to them, that I’ve complied with the letter of their law, or that I’ve even gone above and beyond their expectations, I feel like I am flying! Praise is such a beautiful thing. Whether that’s a whispered, “good girl,” or a great big bear hug for a job well done, knowing that your efforts are rewarded can make your submissive focus that much stronger.
When I follow my rules, I’m not just being obedient; I feel cherished. It’s my way of letting them know that I see them, their authority, and I respect the space they hold in my life. Even when they aren’t physically present, the rules they’ve given me make their voice a part of my daily rhythm.
When You Don’t Meet Expectations
Of course, rules don’t always get followed perfectly. Life happens. Schedules shift—energy dips. Illness, distraction, or a full day might interfere. That’s normal. The important thing is communication.
My Dominant is understanding when real-life hurdles get in the way. If I’m sick or overwhelmed, I know I can speak up and be met with compassion. But the hardest moments are when I forget—a task slips my mind, or I procrastinate until it’s too late. Or more recently, I dismiss an alarm instead of snoozing it, thinking I’ll remember to do it once I finish the task it had interrupted. That’s when guilt creeps in.
Forgetting isn’t just about the task. No matter how small, it’s a breach of trust and commitment to the dynamic. It can hit some submissives pretty hard. Some Dominants, too. How this is handled should be negotiated with care. While I don’t believe in punishment to generate shame about a mistake, correction for the sake of accountability is productive. The correction you choose can be a loving reminder that the dynamic is flexible but still has expectations. It’s an invitation to return to normal, not to shy away or withdraw.
Tools That Help Me Stay Consistent
One of the lessons I’ve learned is that the structure we set up in D/s dynamics doesn’t maintain itself. Rules are a foundation, but if they aren’t taken care of with time, intention, and support, they will not serve us. Over the years, I’ve developed a few tools that help me stay accountable for the rules I’m currently being held to, and these tools keep me organized and connected to my dynamic. These aren’t rigid “you must do this” methods—they’re flexible strategies that have worked for me, and might work for you too.
Using a Daily Checklist or Planner
I live by my bullet journal, a productivity tool that organizes scheduling, reminders, to-do lists, brainstorming, and other organizational tasks into a single notebook.
It might sound simple, but having my rules written down and seeing my daily expectations in front of me gives me a visual map for the day. It takes the weight off my memory and transforms my submission into something I can interact with and track. I’ve used everything from fancy disc-bound planners to dollar store notebooks to keep a running list of my daily tasks and protocols. I love Archer and Olive’s A5 Dot Grid Notebooks.
If you’re the kind of person who feels accomplished by checking things off, this can be a fantastic motivator. Each ticked box is a little celebration of your consistency.
Setting Reminders on Your Phone
Life gets busy. I’ve had days where I was so laser-focused on work or chores that I completely forgot about a rule. That’s not because I don’t care about them—it’s just how brains work when overwhelmed. Setting alarms and reminders on my phone has been a game-changer.
I use gentle alerts: “Time to make their coffee,” “Drink your water,” “Heifer Training Time, Moo!,” “Evening self-reflection.” They don’t interrupt my day, but they bring my submission back into the center of my awareness.
If you’re someone who struggles to remember tasks during stressful or unpredictable days, this small digital nudge can be incredibly helpful.
Creating Rituals Around Specific Rules
Ritual is where obedience becomes art.
Rather than thinking of my rules as tasks to complete, I started turning them into rituals—deliberate, mindful moments that feel sacred. For example, if I’m required to journal at night or lay out clothes for the next day, I might light a candle, sit in a specific chair, or take a deep breath to mark the transition into that act of service.
Rituals don’t have to be elaborate, just consistent. The more you associate a time of day or an activity with a rule, the easier it becomes to follow through.
Evening Reflection and Self-Check-Ins
I’ve built a habit of checking in with myself at the end of the day. Did I complete my rules? Where did I succeed? Where did I struggle? I’m not harsh or judgmental—I treat it as a way to stay in honest communication with myself and my Dominant.
Some days, I feel accomplished and proud. Other days, I feel disappointed. But in either case, the reflection helps me grow. It helps me notice patterns and recognize when I’m slipping into avoidance or burnout. It also gives me the language to explain those things when I need to communicate with my Dominant.
Try this: Take five minutes at night to write down three things:
- What rule or task did you complete well today
- What didn’t go as planned
- One way you’ll support yourself tomorrow
Even a short reflection helps reinforce your commitment and keeps your dynamic fresh in your mind.
Building Motivation Through Reward and Routine
Let’s be honest—some days I don’t want to do the thing. I’d rather scroll or nap or binge-watch something cozy. That’s when I lean on a little reward system. I tell myself I can enjoy my downtime guilt-free after I’ve fulfilled my responsibilities.
This isn’t about being hard on myself—it’s about using motivation as a supportive nudge. I’m not punishing myself if I slip, but I do try to hold off on the treats until the service is complete. On other days, I adjust my schedule by getting up early or carving out small windows of time to make room for my tasks. Planning ahead helps me avoid that end-of-day scramble.
That said, I’m still evolving. There’s always more to improve, and I try to stay open to learning new strategies that will help me succeed. If you have strategies that work for you, I encourage you to share them with us on social media or hop into our Discord! Your tips could be the key to helping someone else who is struggling with a new rule or behavior they are learning.
Rules as a Path to Growth
When I first started following my Dominant’s rules, I didn’t expect how much they would teach me about myself. I’ve learned discipline, patience, time management, and so much more. I’ve grown in confidence because I know I’m capable of keeping promises—to myself and my Dominant.
Rules have helped me break bad habits and build healthier ones. They’ve shaped my submissive language, my attitude, and even how I approach challenges. Not every rule is easy—but the result is always worthwhile. Every time I struggle and still choose to keep going, I grow stronger.
The rules I follow mold me into a better submissive.
Not every submissive will thrive under a list of rules. And not every Dominant will want to create them. But for those of us who crave structure and guidance, rules can be transformative.
They help us live our submission with intention.
They keep us aligned with our Dominant’s desires.
They offer consistency in an unpredictable world.
And they give us daily opportunities to express love and devotion.
The rules I follow today still echo the original list my Dominant gave me long ago. They’ve evolved, just as I have. But their impact on my submission remains constant. They aren’t chains—they’re a map. A path. A quiet, steady heartbeat that reminds me of who I am and why I serve.
Originally published March 2, 2009. Updated and expanded September 10, 2025
Series: Rituals, Rules and Protocol
- 5 Ways Rituals Enhance Your Relationship with Yourself and Your Dynamic
- A Slave Uniform – What’s It Look Like?
- How Rules In a D/s Relationship Can Have a Positive Effect on Your Submission
- Creating a Personal Submissive Protocol
- Enhance Your Sex and BDSM Play with Rituals in the Bedroom