I’ve written a few times about the change in my personal relationship with KnyghtMare and I. He had play and relationship needs that I couldn’t meet and it was creating a rift between us. The only solution that we could see was to open up the relationship. It evolved into a polyamorous dynamic shortly after that. This was over 2 years ago and the first person he accepted into his collar is still with him. In the beginning, I tried very hard to embrace what I thought poly would look like. I was playful and accepting of play all together. We had a couple threesomes, within boundaries, all together. We talked about the sex we had and the play we enjoyed with KnyghtMare. It felt like a dream.
And then something in me broke.
I began to feel violated when we did things together. I felt very uncomfortable being in the same room when they were affectionate and playful. I couldn’t stand watching them play together any longer. For the longest time I thought it was jealousy, but in truth, it wasn’t. I didn’t want to be poly anymore. But I am still okay, or mostly okay, with the fact that KnyghtMare has another submissive and needs time with him to do things. After all, he still has those needs that I just can’t meet; I just don’t want to be a part of poly any longer. It’s not an easy road, but I’ve chosen monogamy in a poly dynamic. Sure that sounds odd and it did for me at first too. How can I be monogamous when my Master was in an intimate relationship with someone else?
Thanks to some very good friends of mine that are poly I was able to talk out all of my confusion and frustration and realize that I wasn’t so abnormal or alone. I learned that poly is just as large of an umbrella as BDSM is and that I can find a place that will work for me. There’s even a word for it called Mono/Poly. I learned that there are poly relationships that don’t cross into shared territory. Others that the relationships are completely separate. I slowly embraced the idea that KnyghtMare would have two places to call home and could go between them and I wouldn’t need to follow. It eased my terrors.
It certainly doesn’t make for a perfect happiness in my head all of the time. I get annoyed when he needs to deal with something to do with her when I feel, usually selfishly, he should be spending time with me. When he’s mad at her it clouds his mood for me. I’m certain the feelings happen mutually there. I do feel jealous at times. I also sometimes feel that my relationship with him is in jeopardy because of my irrational feelings that if something happens to make him upset he’ll just give up and go to her instead.
KnyghtMare, bless him, has never given me a reason to doubt his devotion to me and constantly reassures me that he’s with me for the long haul; that he married me because he can’t see his life without me and that’s all that matters. For me, that is enough. I am loved and don’t have to question that. The fears and feelings I have I know are irrational, I know deep down that they have no solid foundation.
When I’m online in forums and discussion lists I see a lot of poor advice for those exploring poly. Far too often I see people in poly relationships that aren’t happy and the advice always given is that maybe poly isn’t for them. Sure that could be the case, but there is so much more to poly that perhaps it is just the type of poly they are experiencing isn’t for them. Or maybe the boundaries are too close and they need to shift to respect your limits better. You don’t have to have compersion, a feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. You can specify limits and boundaries of the secondary relationships so that your comfort is respected. A good partner will adhere to all reasonable requests. It’s about feeling safe and secure but still accepting the differences and needs of the other partner.
I think the biggest feeling I need is acceptance. I accept that KnyghtMare needs more than I can provide and that the need goes beyond the bedroom/dungeon. I accept that it’s okay to have moments of jealousy and a need to be reassured that I’m still secure in my place with him. Things are not perfect, but they work for us and that’s all that matters. So the people who have concerns about their own poly situations should understand, I hope, that there are so many ways to be poly and the triad form (everyone has a relationship with everyone else) isn’t the only way. You don’t have to have a relationship with everyone involved. You don’t have to be happy all the time and you certainly will feel jealous on occasion. But learning how to manage those feelings and remaining open with your partner(s) is the key to making it work.
I’m certainly still learning and growing and I know that even if it’s been difficult I can look into the future with more understanding of my feelings and the relationship dynamics. I hope that my experience shared has been helpful to some of you.
There are a few very good books on open and poly relationships and I recommend reading and learning about polyamory.
I know that exploring polyamory is difficult, I live it. But I’m doing just fine. If your relationship is poly and it’s done in an open and honest way then you too can enjoy the freedom in knowing you or your relationship is getting everything they need, even if it isn’t all from one partner.
*Please understand that I am not an expert on polyamory and anything said here is my experience and understanding. Refer to the resources for an educated and wonderful base of information for which to apply your own interpretation to your relationship.