Full Question: How does one discern if a Dom is abusive?
Answer:
Dominants and submissives can be abusive to their partners. We’re going to focus on Dominants for this question, but if you are Dominant or in an egalitarian relationship, the following questions can help you discern abuse also.
The core of BDSM is consent, and this includes D/s relationships. No one will disagree with this.
Abuse is not consensual.
If you feel that what is going on is ‘not right,’ you should investigate whether it is abuse. The harm associated with abuse can be physical, emotional, mental, sexual, social, or economic.
Here are ten questions to help you discern if you are in an abusive D/s relationship:
- Are you afraid of your Dominant?
- Do they threaten to leave or abandon you if you don’t submit to something you’ve established as a limit or boundary?
- Do they threaten violence if you don’t submit?
- Does the Dominant give you expensive gifts to get you to do something you don’t honestly want to do?
- Have you gained or lost a lot of weight while being with the Dominant? (this does not include intended weight loss or gain)
- Do they make you feel guilty if you can’t or won’t do something?
- Does the Dominant make you feel ugly and unwanted?
- Have you ever felt like you have been raped after having sex with the Dominant?
- Do they ignore your needs, such as medical treatment, food or clothing?
- Have they ever questioned your loyalty when you question their behavior?
- (Yup, I could keep going…) Does your Dominant ignore your limits or safe words?
The most important question you need to ask yourself is if you feel safe with your Dominant partner. If you don’t, that’s all that matters. It is important that you find out for yourself and then get out. There are local and national agencies to help you get away safely and start your life over again.
I strongly support the National Leather Association – International Domestic Violence Project in their efforts to bring awareness of abuse in BDSM relationships.
In the US?
If you are experiencing a domestic violence emergency please call 911.
If you need help or assistance with domestic violence please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-787-3224 TTY
Stay safe, protect yourself, and get out. You do not need to stay in an abusive relationship.