Full Question: My Dom and I have been together for three years. We are each other’s first when it comes to D/s, and we are learning and exploring together. Mostly, we have navigated and communicated our journey wonderfully. However, He opened up to me a few days after quite an extreme scene, where I cried out in a lot of pain. He loves what we have and do, but at times, because of His feelings for me, He finds that He doesn’t want to inflict pain on me. He finds some internal conflict when He hears the pain in my voice.
How can I help my Dom with this?
Answer:
That sounds quite stressful, but you aren’t alone. I’ve talked with many Dominants and submissives who have expressed angst over pain play and how they feel with their partners.
Society teaches us that hurting your partner is bad and that when you love someone, you don’t want to cause them any pain. So, it makes sense that your Dom is struggling with enjoying pain play with you when they feel that doing so with someone they care deeply about is wrong.
What can the sub do to help?
Listen to their concerns to understand where their fears are coming from. You can do a lot just by being supportive of their feelings. Don’t pressure them to play if they don’t feel it will be a good experience.
But if they want to try again, talk about pain play and how it makes you feel. Reassure your Dom that the sensations you experience during playtime are good and pleasurable, even if it sounds like it’s hurting. Remind them that you have a safeword if things get too bad. They can stop, too, if they feel uncomfortable.
During play, you can try to respond more with your own check-ins to let them know that the pain they may hear in your voice is a good thing and you’re having a great time. If you use the stoplight for safewords, then saying “green” over and over can boost an unsure Dominant that you are doing great, loving it, and as long as they are okay, you’re okay.
Once play is over, take extra time for aftercare. Talk about how much fun you had, what was the most pleasurable, and how all those new ouchie spots make you feel. Many Dominants need to hear you had a great time to help them come to terms with their feelings. It may help you too!
Build their confidence, give them reassurance that you’re happy with them and what play you participate in, but don’t pressure them to play if they don’t want to. It can take time to process the feelings they’re going through. Being a supportive partner is the best way to show them that you care about them.