When we enter a D/s dynamic as a submissive, no matter how new we are to submission, we don’t come as blank slates. We bring our whole selves. That means our joys and passions, yes, but also our past hurts, disappointments, and the survival strategies we developed in response to them. Those survival strategies often take the shape of defensive patterns.
Think about the phrase “getting defensive.” Most of us recognize it. A wall goes up. We withdraw, lash out, freeze, or deflect. You may have heard the phrase as “fight, flight, freeze or fawn.” These patterns didn’t appear out of nowhere. They were built, brick by brick, through experiences where we felt unsafe, unheard, or unworthy. And while they may have helped protect us once, they often start to work against us when we long for intimacy and trust inside a D/s relationship.
In this Solo-Coaching session, we’re going to look at self-defensive patterns through the lens of submission. We’ll explore what they are, how to recognize them, and how to begin replacing them with healthier, more open ways of relating. This work isn’t always easy. It takes honesty and courage, but it can free us from old cycles and open the door to deeper connection.
What Are Self-Defensive Patterns?
Self-defensive patterns are behaviors, attitudes, or emotional responses we lean on when we feel threatened. They can include:
- Withdrawing and avoiding conversations.
- Lashing out with anger or sarcasm.
- Shutting down and going silent.
- Overexplaining or justifying ourselves excessively.
- Pretending we don’t care when we actually do.
- Becoming overly agreeable to avoid conflict.
Fight, flight, and freeze are often described as the body’s most instinctive stress reactions—automatic ways we respond when something feels threatening. Later, researchers identified a fourth response: fawn.
When we go into fight mode, the body pushes us to confront the threat head-on. Flight urges us to escape and get away from danger. Freeze leaves us stuck, unable to take action in the moment. Fawn shows up as an attempt to appease or please others to sidestep conflict.
At their root, defensive patterns are protective. They’re the armor we put on when we don’t want to feel hurt again. Maybe as children, we learned that showing vulnerability led to rejection, so we hid our feelings behind a mask of indifference. Perhaps we were punished for speaking up, so silence became our safe place.
The problem is that defenses built in the past don’t always serve us in the present. In fact, they can block the very intimacy we crave as submissives.
Why This Matters for Submissives
Submission asks us to be open. It asks us to trust and to communicate honestly with our Dominant. That doesn’t mean we give up boundaries or safety; it means we engage in power exchange with awareness.
But defensive patterns can get in the way. For example:
- The Silent Submissive: If your pattern is shutting down when emotions rise, your Dominant may be left in the dark about your needs. They may misinterpret your silence as consent or agreement when you’re actually struggling.
- The Over-Explainer: If you defend yourself by over-justifying everything, your Dominant may feel you don’t trust their guidance, or that you’re negotiating every request rather than relaxing into your role.
- The Over-Agreeable One: If you default to “yes” even when your heart is screaming “no,” your Dominant cannot truly know you. This pattern blocks authentic consent and builds resentment.
- The Sarcastic Submissive: If your defense is humor or sarcasm, you may unintentionally wound your partner or create emotional distance when they’re trying to connect sincerely.
Recognizing these patterns isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about acknowledging that the ways we’ve learned to cope with life can sometimes sabotage the kind of submissive relationship we want.
A Personal Example
One of my longest-standing defensive patterns has been over-explaining. I can feel it happening even as the words tumble out of my mouth, and yet stopping myself feels almost impossible. If I make a mistake or think I’ve disappointed my Dominant, my instinct is to justify, clarify, and add endless context so they’ll understand why it happened.
On the surface, it might look like communication. I’m not shutting down, after all, I’m talking. But in reality, over-explaining is my shield. If I can just get enough words out, maybe I won’t feel the sting of shame or the fear of letting someone down, or perhaps I can talk myself out of trouble.
The problem, of course, is that all that extra justification doesn’t actually help. My Dominant isn’t looking for a five-minute dissertation on why the dishwasher didn’t get unloaded. They just want to understand what happened, address it, and move on. My over-explaining muddies the water, makes me sound defensive, and oftentimes even frustrates them because it feels like I’m resisting correction instead of receiving it.
It’s taken me years to realize that over-explaining isn’t about them at all. It’s about me trying to control the narrative so I don’t feel vulnerable. And while it may have protected me once, it no longer serves me in the kind of relationship I want to have. These days, I practice answering simply, pausing, and letting the silence be. Some days I do better than others. But even noticing the pattern is a huge step toward changing it.
Step One: Identify Your Patterns
Before we can change a defensive pattern, we need to name it. Self-coaching starts with awareness.
Ask yourself:
- What situations in my submission make me feel defensive?
(Examples: when receiving feedback, when being asked to open up, when my needs feel unmet, when I’m told “no.”) - What is my go-to reaction in those moments?
(Do I shut down? Do I argue? Do I cry? Do I pretend it doesn’t matter?) - Where might this pattern have started?
(Was I punished for speaking up as a child? Did I learn to overperform to avoid conflict? Did past partners dismiss my needs?) - On a scale of 0–10, how well is this defense working for me now?
(Zero = not helping at all, ten = still genuinely protective.)
This kind of self-inquiry takes honesty with ourselves. It can be uncomfortable to admit that a defensive strategy that once helped us survive is now sabotaging our growth and relationships. But naming the pattern is the first crack in the armor.
Step Two: Feel What’s Underneath
Defensive patterns are like locked doors. Behind each one is a feeling we didn’t want to experience. Shame. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Loneliness.
To move forward, we need to allow ourselves to feel what’s under the defense. That doesn’t mean wallowing; it means acknowledging.
For example, if you always go silent when your Dominant points out a mistake, what’s really happening inside? Perhaps you fear disappointing them. Maybe you feel shame, remembering a past partner who ridiculed you. By naming those feelings, you bring them into the light.
This is tender work. If you feel overwhelmed, journaling can be a helpful tool. Write down what comes up in those defensive moments. Give the hidden feelings a voice.
Step Three: Choose a New Response
Awareness alone isn’t enough. We need to practice new patterns. That doesn’t mean forcing ourselves to abandon defenses overnight. It means trying out healthier ways of responding.
Some ideas:
- If your pattern is silence, practice saying one honest sentence in the moment: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, but I want to keep talking.”
- If your pattern is overexplaining, practice pausing after one clear response and resisting the urge to pile on justifications.
- If your pattern is over-agreeing, practice asking for time by saying, “I need to think about that and let you know.”
- If your pattern is sarcasm, practice acknowledging the truth directly: “That request scares me, but I want to try.”
Think of it as building new muscle memory. Just like in submission, we don’t master new skills instantly; we practice, make mistakes, and try again.
Step Four: Visualize Success
Visualization is a powerful tool that allows you to imagine yourself in a situation where you’d usually become defensive. Instead of your usual reaction, see yourself responding differently. Picture the calm in your body, the words on your lips, the positive response from your partner.
Visualization isn’t daydreaming, it’s rehearsal. By practicing new patterns in your mind, you prepare your nervous system to try them in real life.
Step Five: Take Small, Brave Actions
Defensive patterns rarely dissolve all at once. Change comes through small, intentional steps.
Maybe you decide that once a week, you’ll share one vulnerable truth with your Dominant instead of hiding it. Or that you’ll ask for clarification instead of assuming criticism. Or that you’ll allow yourself to cry openly instead of masking with sarcasm.
Start small. Celebrate progress. Each time you choose openness over defense, you carve a new path.
The Freedom Beyond Defenses
Why go through this work? Because defenses, while protective, keep us stuck. They hold us in old pain rather than opening us to new joy.
When we consciously lay down our defenses, we discover deeper intimacy. We allow our Dominants to truly know us. We discover freedom in honesty and courage in vulnerability.
Submission isn’t about perfection. It’s about authenticity. The more we release the armor of outdated defenses, the more fully we can step into the joy of being seen, held, and guided as the submissives we long to be.
Self-Coaching Exercises
Take out your journal and work through these prompts:
- List three defensive patterns you notice in yourself. For each, describe the situation where it usually appears.
- For each pattern, write down the feeling you think is hiding underneath.
- Rate each defense on a scale of 0–10. How much does it still serve you today?
- Choose one pattern to work on this month. What is one small, brave step you can take to replace it with a healthier response?
- Create a visualization script. Write a few sentences describing yourself responding in the new way, then read the script aloud to yourself daily.
Defensive patterns are part of being human. We don’t need to judge ourselves for having them. But as submissives seeking to build loving, trusting dynamics, we owe it to ourselves to examine which defenses still serve us—and which ones need to be gently released.
This is brave work. It asks for total honesty and to touch the places where we once hurt. But it also promises freedom to respond, not just react. That freedom opens us up to be known more fully by our Dominants. Once we are free from old patterns, we can experience submission not as a means of performance or self-protection, but as our authentic selves.