Expectations of a Submissive: What You Need to Know (and What You Don’t)

 

Series: Novice Submissives Start Here

 

What are you expected to do and know as a submissive?

For many who are just starting out, the answer really is: not much. And yet, that’s never a satisfying answer, is it? We all want clarity, especially when stepping into something as vulnerable and meaningful as submission. Of course, there’s more to it. But it’s important to remember that you have to begin somewhere and then build your knowledge and experience from there.

So let’s talk about what you can do to make sure you’re better informed before you enter a relationship, and how to keep learning once you’ve found a Dominant to submit to. That way, the question of “what’s expected of me?” can be answered as fully as possible.

When You’re Single: Building Your Foundation

Being single doesn’t mean being idle. There’s a lot you can do to learn about yourself and the type of dynamic you want, which means you can arm yourself with a working sense of what might be expected of you later.

Start with self-reflection. Take some time to journal about questions like:

• What does submission mean to me?
  
• What kinds of control excite me? Which ones scare me?
  
• What are my hard limits and non-negotiables?
  
• How do I want to feel when I submit?
  
• What do I absolutely not want to be responsible for in a dynamic? (It’s okay to be specific.)
  
• What would make submission feel meaningful and sustainable for me six months from now?
  

Then move to education. Read some of the recommended books for novices to learn about BDSM and the dynamic styles you’ll be striving to explore. While you’re reading, write down any questions that come up. Make notes on things you like, things you don’t like, and anything that feels brand new to you. Over time, this becomes your personal checklist of curiosities and boundaries.

Don’t underestimate the value of small experiments, either. Sometimes you won’t know what you want until you try a little taste of it. Even practicing simple rituals for yourself, kneeling for a moment of meditation, wearing a subtle token, or keeping a self-care rule, can give you insight into what submission feels like in your body and mind.

Here are a few low-pressure ways to explore on your own:

• Choose one daily ritual (morning check-in, evening gratitude, or setting out clothes) and follow it for a week.
  
• Pick one “service” task for yourself—like keeping your space tidy or prepping your lunch—and track how it feels to do it consistently.
  
• Practice asking for permission for something small (e.g., “May I have a treat after work?”) with a trusted partner or even as a personal prompt to notice your desire and slow down before indulging.
  

The point isn’t to turn your life into a rulebook before you have a Dominant. It’s important to notice what lights you up, what calms you, and what stresses you out, so you can communicate that clearly later.

Community and Connection

Where do you go to learn these things beyond books? There are several places I recommend.

If you’re able, consider meeting people face to face in a BDSM support group. It’s one of the best ways to see a variety of D/s dynamics at work and get honest, nuanced answers to your questions. You can often find groups by searching for “BDSM munch” plus the name of your city. Websites like FetLife are also useful starting points.

Of course, not everyone can or wants to step into the local community right away. Online communities are another option. The largest of these is FetLife. If you haven’t been there yet, it’s worth browsing. I highly recommend the Novices and Newbies group—it’s helpful, non-judgmental, and purpose-built for answering the questions you may feel too shy to ask. Smaller forums and Discord servers like the one Submissive Guide hosts also exist, and sometimes a cozier space feels safer to share in. 

A word of caution: not every online group is healthy. Some spaces are filled with bad information, predators, or toxic attitudes. If something feels off, if people shame you, dismiss your questions, or insist there’s only one “true” way to do D/s, listen to your instincts and step away. The right community should feel encouraging, even if they challenge you to think.

Unlike vanilla relationships, which you’re exposed to from birth, researching D/s relationships is almost necessary if you’re attracted to them. We don’t grow up seeing power exchange modeled in healthy ways. To learn, you have to seek out examples through books, communities, and honest conversations.

Quick checklist for vetting a group (online or in person):

• Do moderators enforce consent and anti-harassment rules?
• Is there a culture of asking for sources and sharing experience without shaming?
• Are beginners welcomed, or mocked for “basic” questions?
• Do local leaders model negotiation and aftercare, or just brag about intense play?
• Do you leave interactions feeling informed and respected?

I’m in a New Relationship, Now What?

Alright, so maybe you didn’t get the chance to do the research before finding a partner. That’s okay. Many of us need a relationship first before we really know what we want.

What do you do now? Talk to your Dominant.

Yes, I want you to talk to them about expectations instead of just reading their mind. Wild, right? But it’s the only way forward. Set aside some time where you both feel safe and comfortable. Suspend your roles for a little while if you need to, and simply talk about your relationship.

Conversation starters to ground the discussion:

• What does our dynamic ultimately look like to you?
• What does being a Dominant or submissive mean in your eyes?
• Are you looking for rules in the bedroom only, or in daily life too?
• What would make you proud to call me your submissive?
• What kinds of structure help you thrive, and what feels like busywork?
• What do you expect from me when I’m stressed, sick, or overwhelmed?

A confident Dominant often knows what they want and can articulate it clearly. For example, they might say: “I want you to speak politely in public, always say please and thank you, and check in with me each evening about your day. I expect you to dress neatly, and you’ll need my permission before wearing underwear.”

This kind of detail gives you the chance to ask clarifying questions, negotiate boundaries, and even repeat back their expectations so you’re both on the same page.

But not every Dominant has that clarity, especially if they’re new. If you’re growing together, start small. One rule at a time. Build slowly. Don’t overwhelm yourselves with a dozen protocols before you’re ready.

A gentle on-ramp (one-month plan):

• Week 1: Choose one shared ritual (a good-morning text or evening kneeling time) and one personal habit (hydration, medication, stretching).
  
• Week 2: Add a simple service task (making the bed, prepping coffee) and one communication rule (daily check-in with mood + request for support).
  
• Week 3: Introduce one symbolic rule (permission for a small indulgence) and one manners protocol (using honorifics at agreed times).
  
• Week 4: Review what’s working, drop what isn’t, and decide on two “keeps” for the next month.
  

Think of it like learning to swim; you don’t dive into the deep end right away. You wade in, find your rhythm, and go deeper only when you’re confident you can keep your head above water.

General Expectations for Submissives

So what about general, universal expectations? Is there a baseline for what it means to be “a good submissive”?

To some degree, yes. And it’s not as complicated as people make it out to be, and you’ll probably see these as good traits to have, no matter how you identify.

• Be respectful. Treat others (not just your Dominant) with courtesy.
  
• Be honest. Share your needs, your struggles, and your desires openly. Hiding them only leads to resentment later.
  
• Be responsible. Keep your commitments, both in and outside your dynamic. If you can’t uphold something, communicate it.
  
• Care for yourself. Submission doesn’t erase your responsibility for your own mental and physical health. In fact, self-care makes you a stronger partner.
  
• Stay curious. Ask questions, seek knowledge, and remain open to growth.
  
• Practice repair. When misunderstandings happen (and they will), take accountability for your part and work toward repair.
  
• Prioritize consent. Enthusiastic, informed, ongoing. For both of you.
  

Above all—don’t be a jerk. You want to be the kind of submissive your Dominant is proud to have, not someone who leaves a trail of hurt feelings behind them.

A few everyday examples of healthy expectations:

• Be on time for dates or check-ins. Text if you’ll be late.
  
• Keeping your space reasonably clean so you can focus on play or connection.
  
• Communicating energy levels before scenes; asking for aftercare proactively.
  
• Tracking medications, hydration, and sleep so you’re safe during play.

Red Flags and Misconceptions

Sometimes, submissives worry about expectations because they’ve been fed harmful myths. Let’s clear up a few:

• “A real submissive obeys without question.” No. You always retain the right to say no, negotiate, and withdraw consent.
  
• “If I struggle or mess up, I’ve failed.” No. Mistakes are part of learning. Growth matters more than perfection.
  
• “Dominants always know best.” Not true. A healthy Dominant may lead, but they aren’t infallible. Communication is still essential.
  
• “More rules = better submission.” Quantity doesn’t equal quality. The best protocols are meaningful, sustainable, and aligned with your lives.
  

And watch out for red flags. If a Dominant expects you to hand over money immediately, cut off your friends, or abandon your own needs entirely—pause. Those aren’t healthy expectations. A good Dominant wants you to thrive, not shrink.

Other red flags to note:

• Rushing you into collaring or contracts without time to discuss terms.
• Punishing you for asking questions or expressing discomfort.
• Using “because I’m the Dom” as the only explanation for rules or decisions.
• Ignoring safer sex conversations, STI testing, or scene planning.

Practical Tools to Clarify Expectations

If you’re a list-lover (or just anxious), having a few concrete tools can calm the noise in your head. Here are a few you can keep in your submissive journal:

• Expectations Map: Split a page into three columns—“Definitely Me,” “Maybe Me,” “Not Me.” Place possible tasks (daily check-in, kneeling, address protocols, budgeting, errands, etc.) where they belong right now. Revisit monthly.
  
• Rules Audit: Once a month, evaluate each rule: Is it helping? Harming? Neutral? Keep, tweak, or drop. (Yes, it’s okay to retire rules!)
  
• Needs & Capacity Check: Weekly, rate your physical, emotional, and mental capacity 1–10. Adjust expectations accordingly. Low capacity isn’t failure; it’s information.
  
• Aftercare Card: Write down the top 3 things that help you recover after conflict or play. Share it with your Dominant.
  

These tools ground the conversation in reality instead of fantasy-level expectations you can’t possibly meet every single day.

Patience and Practice

No one expects you to be perfect from the start. No new Dominant is going to know exactly what they want either. Have patience—with yourself, with your partner, and with the process.

When you ask yourself, “What’s expected of me?” I hope you can now see that the answer isn’t a rigid checklist. It’s a combination of knowledge, communication, and growth. You’re allowed to move slowly and to ask questions.

Slow and steady is the most self-aware way to become the submissive you wish to be.

Originally published March 28, 2016, updated and expanded November 5, 2025.

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