Answered: Your Burning Questions About What Is Expected Of You As a Submissive

As a novice submissive, it can be an exciting—and let’s be honest, overwhelming—to enter into a relationship right away before you know much about BDSM or D/s. Perhaps you met someone online who introduced you to the idea, or you found yourself drawn to submission without fully understanding what it involves. You’re definitely not alone.

But with that excitement often comes a wave of questions and uncertainty. What does being submissive mean? What’s expected of you? Are you doing it “right”? What if your Dominant already has clear ideas, and you’re just trying to catch up?

Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ve gone searching for answers—maybe even stumbled onto some not-so-helpful ones. And you’ve probably got a few questions that haven’t been clearly answered anywhere else. I receive emails all the time from people like you who are unsure where to start or how to discuss expectations with their partner.

So I’m going to do my best to help.

First, let me say—this isn’t the easy way out of figuring everything out. There is no universal checklist that works for every relationship. But I can give you a roadmap and the questions to ask. The rest is up to you—because your submission is personal. It’s unique. And it deserves thoughtful, intentional choices.

What Are Dominance and Submission?

That shiny new toy is a little scary, isn’t it?

You’ve been introduced to D/s by someone—or maybe you’ve stumbled across it yourself—and suddenly you’re knee-deep in a world of collars, rituals, rules, and roles you don’t fully understand. Sometimes you even say yes to a dynamic before you’ve really had the chance to learn what you’re agreeing to. Don’t worry. It happens all the time.

So let’s slow down and start with the basics.

Dominance is about having consensual, negotiated control over aspects of another person’s choices.

Submission is about surrendering that control—also consensually and within clearly negotiated terms.

Together, dominance and submission (often abbreviated D/s) form a power exchange dynamic. This means that one partner consensually relinquishes a specific type of authority to the other. The level of control can range widely: some relationships are D/s only in the bedroom, while others incorporate rules, rituals, or service that extend into daily life. Some dynamics are full-time or 24/7. Others show up only on weekends, during scenes, or via text messages between partners who live apart.

There is no one correct way to have a D/s relationship. The only requirement is that it is consensual—and that it works for both of you.

What Is BDSM and How Does It Relate to D/s?

BDSM is a big umbrella term for a wide range of kinky play and interests that you might explore—if you want to. It’s often part of a D/s relationship, but it’s not required. Some people engage in D/s without ever using whips, cuffs, or pain play. Others love BDSM for the sensations, intensity, or roleplay but don’t have any interest in power exchange.

BDSM stands for:

• Bondage and Discipline
• Dominance and Submission
• Sadism and Masochism

Each letter pair highlights different kinds of activities or dynamics, and no one is required to explore all—or any—of them to be valid in their kink journey. If you’re curious about what each of these terms means, it’s a good idea to look them up and learn how they play out in real-life kink scenes.

In short, BDSM is customizable. You get to pick what fits. And D/s is a relationship structure that can exist with or without kink, just like kink can exist with or without D/s.

Common Myths About Submissive Expectations

Let’s pause for a moment and talk about some of the baggage you might be carrying into this space. Whether you’ve encountered submission in TV, movies, or spicy romance novels, or spoken to someone who claims to be “experienced,” you may have some internalized ideas about what being submissive should mean. But are your ideas true? Let’s find out.

• “The Dominant always knows what’s best.”
  Nope. Dominants are not all-knowing or flawless. They’re humans, some experienced, some learning, and you should always feel safe asking questions or setting limits.
  
• “Submissives don’t get to say no.”
  The opposite is true. You are never obligated to obey something that makes you uncomfortable, scared, or disrespected. Consent is active, ongoing, and revocable at any time.
  
• “There’s a right way to be submissive.”
  There’s no official rulebook. Some submissives thrive on service and structure, while others prefer emotional surrender or a more intimate, bedroom-only Dynamic. Your style of submission is valid even if it doesn’t match someone else’s ideal.
  
• “You’re not a real sub unless you…”
  Run far, far away from anyone who says this. Whether it’s about taking pain, giving up control, or dressing a certain way, gatekeeping submission is a red flag. You are the only one who gets to define your submission.
  

Remember, it’s normal to come into this with questions. But don’t let someone else’s fantasy or assumptions define what’s expected of you.

What If You’ve Already Said Yes to a Dominant?

So you’ve already said yes to a relationship or agreed to submit, before fully understanding what that means. First off, you’re not alone. Many people jump into dynamics quickly, especially when attraction and curiosity are at their highest. It doesn’t mean you messed up. But it does mean you now have some work to do.

Saying yes to a D/s relationship is the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one.

If you’re here now trying to learn what’s expected of you, it’s a sign you care about doing this intentionally. That’s good! Don’t panic or feel like you need to backpedal everything. Instead, use this moment to get curious, ask questions, and start shaping the dynamic into something that fits you both.

Here’s what to do next:

• Start talking. Share your concerns and questions with your partner. Ask them what D/s means to them and what they hope it will look like in your relationship.
  
• Take stock of your trust. Do you feel safe bringing up concerns? Can you say no without fear? Can you ask for clarification without judgment? If not, that’s something to address before deepening the dynamic.
  
• Remember, you can renegotiate. You’re allowed to change your mind. If something feels off or you need space to go at a slower pace, negotiate that. Submission is something you actively choose and reshape as you grow.

What Does the Dominant Expect From You?

Alright, so back to just entering a relationship, and the person you’re with has said you’re a submissive. What does that even mean?

That’s the real meat of the question, right?

Start with this:

1. Ask the Dominant.

Ideally, they’ll know what they’re looking for in a submissive and can give you a sense of how they see the dynamic working. This isn’t about them giving you a list of demands; it’s a conversation, and one you absolutely have a say in.

Some things a Dominant may expect (and that you should to talk about, question, or negotiate) include:

• Obedience. This might be about following rules, accepting correction, or completing assigned tasks. It’s okay to ask what obedience looks like to them—and whether there are consequences you should be aware of.
  
• Love, affection, compassion, and romance. Not every D/s dynamic is romantic, but many are. Being emotionally open and expressive may be something your Dominant values.
  
• Sexual pleasure. If your dynamic includes sexual submission, it’s crucial to talk about what that means, when, how, and with what limits. Don’t be afraid to voice your needs, preferences, and hard nos.
  
• Domestic duties. Some Dominants enjoy submissives who perform acts of service around the home, such as cooking, cleaning, organizing, and laundry. Again, this is negotiable. You’re not automatically a maid just because you’re a submissive.
  
• Kink and BDSM play. If they’re into impact play, bondage, or other kinks, ask what they expect from you. Are these regular activities or occasional fun? Do you get a say in which ones? (Spoiler: yes, you do.)
  
• Modes of dress or behavior. Some dynamics involve specific dress codes, protocols for speaking or behaving, or rituals to maintain the power exchange. Ask what matters to them, and decide if it works for you.
  
• Self-growth. Some Dominants expect their submissives to grow through education, skill development, self-care, or career advancement. If this comes up, talk about how that growth is supported and encouraged, rather than demanded.
  

None of these expectations are automatic just because someone says they’re a Dominant. It only becomes part of your dynamic if you agree to it.

2. Ask yourself.

This part is just as important. Maybe even more so.

What do you want out of a relationship? That includes both kinky and non-kinky things. A D/s relationship is still a relationship, and your needs, hopes, and desires matter.

Ask yourself:

• What kind of emotional connection do I need to have?
• Do I enjoy structure and being given tasks, or does that overwhelm me?
• Am I comfortable with sexual submission, or am I still exploring that idea?
• What kinds of activities sound fun, exciting, or fulfilling?

Then share those with your Dominant. See where your visions line up and where they don’t. Don’t settle for less than what you need. And don’t agree to do something just because you’re “supposed to be submissive.”

How to Figure Out What You Want in Submission

It’s easy to get wrapped up in what the Dominant expects of you, but it’s just as important to know what you expect from submission. That means getting curious about your desires, values, and limits.

Here are a few questions to help you start exploring:

• What draws you to submission? What excites or inspires you about it?
• Do you enjoy rules, rituals, tasks, and service? Or is your idea of submission more emotional or psychological?
• Are you turned on by being praised, corrected, controlled, or guided? What kind of attention feels good to receive?
• What are your hard limits, things you do not want to do or experience?
• What kinds of submissive roles appeal to you (service, sexual, domestic, pet play, brat, rope bunny, etc.)?

You don’t need all the answers right away. You’re allowed to try things and change your mind. But the more self-awareness you bring into a dynamic, the easier it will be to build one that nourishes you.

Tip: Try journaling or using submissive reflection prompts. Some people even enjoy completing a checklist of D/s activities, kinks, or desires, rating each item as “yes,” “maybe,” or “no.”

You are allowed to have wants. You’re allowed to have needs. And the best dynamics are built when both partners share and honor them.

Red Flags: When Expectations Go Wrong

Unfortunately, not every Dominant you meet will have healthy, realistic, or safe expectations. Especially if they’re also new, misinformed, or basing their role on fantasy rather than mutual care, so let’s go over a few common red flags that should make you pause and ask more questions—or possibly walk away.

🚩 “A real submissive would…”
If you ever hear this phrase, consider it a giant red flag. This kind of language is used to shame or manipulate, rather than to support. There is no universal checklist for being a “real” submissive.

🚩 They refuse to answer your questions.
If they dodge direct questions, give vague answers like “you’ll find out soon,” or say you “just have to trust them,” that’s a problem. Dominants should be willing, and eager, to talk things through with you.

🚩 They demand obedience immediately.
No one deserves your submission just because they ask for it. If a Dominant expects instant obedience before you’ve built trust, negotiated terms, or even figured out what you want, that’s a concern.

🚩 They try to guilt, pressure, or rush you.
Submission should never come from fear, obligation, or “earning” someone’s attention. You don’t owe submission to anyone, not even someone who calls themselves a Master or Mistress.

🚩 They haven’t done any of their own learning.
If they expect you to be obedient, but haven’t read a single article, joined a discussion group, or reflected on what their dominance looks like, be wary. Leadership in a power exchange requires self-awareness and growth.

Dominance is not about being served without responsibility. Submission is not about silence or self-sacrifice. You are allowed to say no, ask for more information, or change your mind at any time. You don’t have to submit to someone who isn’t ready to hold your trust with care.

When Neither of You Knows What to Expect

Sometimes you’re not the only one who’s new to all of this. You might find yourself with a partner who says, “I want to be your Dominant,” but admits they don’t really know what that means yet either.

And you know what? That’s okay. You don’t need to have all the answers from the start. What you do need is a shared willingness to learn and grow together.

Here are some ways to navigate when you’re both new:

• Start slow and simple. Try one small ritual or task at a time, like calling them Sir/Ma’am during scenes, or checking in with a text each morning.
  
• Do the learning together. Read articles, watch videos, or join a Discord or FetLife group. Reflect on what you find exciting or challenging.
  
• Set up regular check-ins. Have a weekly conversation where you talk about what’s working, what’s confusing, and what you’d like to try next.
  
• Create a trial run. Think of your first few months as a sandbox: try things out, give feedback, and adjust as needed.
  
• Focus on trust and communication first. Before power can be exchanged, you need a strong foundation of emotional safety and openness.
  

Exploring D/s with a new partner doesn’t have to be intimidating. Learning together can be deeply bonding, especially when you approach it with curiosity instead of pressure.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Clarity and Connection

Whether you’re new to submission or just trying to figure out what’s expected of you, take a breath. There’s no perfect way to do this. No test to pass. No rulebook you need to memorize before you’re valid.

What matters most is that you stay true to yourself. Submission is not about guessing what someone else wants. It’s about building something meaningful together, one conversation, one choice, one experience at a time.

So ask the questions. Express your desires. Set your boundaries. You are allowed to be seen, heard, and honored in your submission.

You’re doing just fine.

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Reflection Prompts

Take some time to journal or reflect on these questions to understand your expectations and values better:

• What kind of submissive do I want to be?
• What expectations make me feel excited or inspired? Which ones make me anxious or hesitant?
• What boundaries or limits do I need to feel safe in a power exchange?
• What does trust look like to me?
• What would make a D/s dynamic feel healthy, fun, and fulfilling?

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