Full Question: Hello, I am relatively new to the lifestyle at 50 and have been in contact with my Dominant for about 1 year, mainly through messaging and calls. We have met in real life once before. We have arranged to meet for a play in a few weeks. My Dom has suggested a time frame of 4 to 5 hours for us to be together. As this is new for me, I’m not sure how much time for a first time is best. I look forward to us playing, but I don’t want to be overwhelmed. Any advice is appreciated.
Answer:
This answer comes from Mrs. Darling! You can read her articles and other contributions on Submissive Guide.
Great question! I think a 4-5 hour first play session is ideal, although it may not be spent how you think. See, actual “in scene/play time” can have a LOT of emotional and physical impact in very short amounts of time. From my personal submissive play, as well as observing other couples play, I’d suggest maybe just 1 hour of “in scene/play” time when you’re actually engaging in D/s or Power Exchange play that first few times.
So why is 4 hours ideal? My dream first session would include 30-45 minutes of simply greeting each other again and calming down nerves. Use the restroom, freshen up, and get re-acquainted. Then the next 1 hour I’d spend on the “build up.” Include final negotiations, safe words, and limits discussion- much of which should have happened over the past year, but it’s important to refresh. But also update us on any new issues or concerns from the current environment. Too cold, too hungry, etc. But then, enjoy the “build up” of the scene. Flirting. Teasing. A small ritual, maybe. Time to lock eyes, focus, and connect.
Then, FINALLY play! And to help prevent sub drop, I’d suggest the scene have a three-step pattern:
1. build-up time (approx 20 minutes)
2. heavier to heaviest play time (approx 20 minutes)
3. come down time (approx 20 minutes)
So what to do after? Following play you’ve got time left to calm down, connect again, and have aftercare. Shower, freshen again (alone or together). You may need time to readjust your body and emotions to the “outside world.” Finally, before leaving, schedule time with your partner over the next couple days for clear cut aftercare. Schedule calls, or video chats to discuss how you’re feeling in the days following play.
You’ll be shocked by how much “play” can happen in a solid hour. This way, you can dip your toes in slowly and be left wanting more (instead of possibly diving in too deep and then regretting something). Have an amazing time!