So I am not satisfied with my boyfriend. I don’t know how to go about telling him, I want to be dominated. I am not responding to vanilla sex anymore, and need more. I need/want him to be domineering, to know he will take care of my wants and needs. We have had bumps in the road, but he has taken more of the lead in our everyday life and has treated me with kindness, respect, love, and much more since he has taken for lack of better words… Head out of his butt…
What I find lacking is the heat in the bedroom. We have chemistry, and there is still that spark, but I am not being fulfilled, and honestly, I don’t think he is either. I guess I am nervous about having this conversation, and I am uneducated in this area… I have only begun to research this lifestyle. I am not sure where to go from here. I definitely know that this is something I want/need. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Ready to Get Kinky
Hey there, Kinky! It seems to me that you know the first part of this answer, but you’re nervous which is understandable. You need to sit down with him and have a conversation about what you want from him and your relationship. That’s the first part of the answer, but that’s not enough, I know.
Knowing you need to talk isn’t the same as actually having the conversation and saying the words. What’s encouraging to me, based on your letter, is that he’s taken a lead in your everyday life, which may mean he has some dominant tendencies already. It’s possible he could be waiting for you to tell him you want him to take the lead in the bedroom. This is especially possible because you’re sensing that he’s not being fulfilled with what you have now.
So step one, realize you need to talk to him. Yes, it’s nerve-wracking, and you may break out into a sweat thinking about it, but go ahead and get used to the idea. If you go down this kinky road, whether into a full D/s relationship or just with a little bit of kink, you’ll need to spend a lot of time talking because communication is one of the top “rules” of D/s and BDSM.
Now, what do you do next? You make a plan. Here’s what I recommend that people do when they want to talk to their partner about going from vanilla to kinky:
- Let him know you want to talk, but set a time to do it. Don’t bombard him when he walks in the door. Don’t surprise him when he first wakes up. Tell him you really want to talk and want to find a time when you can have his full attention.
- When you talk to him, be honest. Let him know that the chemistry and spark are still there for you, but something is missing. If you want him to be dominant in the bedroom, say that. You may lead with: “I love how you’ve taken the lead in your lives, and I would really like it if you did that in the bedroom.”
- Give him examples of things you’d like him to do or things you want to try with him.
- Be patient. He may jump on board with the idea, or he may be hesitant at first. Give him time to wrap his mind around what you’re asking. Don’t push him too fast.
- Be prepared to learn and grow together in this. You said you’re still researching the lifestyle. Share with him what you’ve found and read, and then spend time talking about what you’re both learning. Even people in long-term established D/s relationships learn new things all the time.
- Get used to the idea that you’re both going to need to learn how to talk to one another and be very honest with each other about what you need and what you want out this. Getting into kink is more than one conversation and then some rough sex. You’re both going to need to talk a lot – about what you like, don’t like, how you feel, what you think, you name it.
- Realize that D/s is a two-way street. You want him to take care of your needs and wants, well, you also need to be prepared to take care of his needs and wants, too – within your personal limits. You’ll need to talk about what you both want and need, and then figure out what works best for both of you.
- Take it slow. Even if he’s really enthusiastic and wants to get kinky right away, don’t jump into the more extreme aspects of the lifestyle – bondage, floggings, etc. – until you’ve had time to learn how to do that stuff. Start small and work up to other things that sound interesting or turn you on.
Keep researching, ask questions of people online who are in the lifestyle, join forums, and have the conversation with him. You never know what may happen between you two – it could exceed your wildest dreams. I hope it does!