Question: I’ve been a voracious reader of BDSM and D/S erotic novels for years and am not sure if I enjoy it just as entertainment or because I feel like something might be missing from my life. How do you know if you are a submissive, and if you think you might be, how do you learn about the lifestyle outside of internet/book research? Thank you for your time.
Answer:
It’s great that you’ve been drawn to BDSM and D/s themes in books! Many submissives first discover their interest through fiction, but real-life dynamics are quite different from what’s portrayed in erotic novels.
A good starting point is self-reflection. Ask yourself: Do you feel a deep satisfaction or fulfillment when imagining submission beyond just the fantasy? Do you crave structure, guidance, or yielding control in a way that feels natural and rewarding? Submissiveness isn’t always just about what happens in the bedroom—it often ties into how you connect with power dynamics and relationships.
To explore beyond books and online research, consider these steps:
- Journaling & Self-Reflection – Write about what aspects of submission intrigue you. Are they purely sexual, or do they extend to emotional and relational dynamics? Explore scenarios and themes from the books you like, what draws you to them, and how you think you would respond in a similar situation.
- Local BDSM Community – If you’re comfortable, look for local munches (casual social gatherings) where you can meet experienced people in a non-play setting. FetLife.com can help you find events.
- Workshops & Classes – Some BDSM communities host educational events on negotiation, consent, and power exchange relationships.
- Personal Exploration – You don’t need a partner to begin. Try submissive exercises like following structured routines, practicing obedience-based tasks, or exploring guided meditations on surrender. Submissive Guide has articles to help you develop a personal protocol, positive affirmations, and being a single submissive.
- Connecting with Mentors—Many submissives value talking to experienced individuals who can share insights and guidance. Our Discord server is a healthy, positive environment that is a great place to ask questions and get insights from people who’ve been where you are.
The key is patience and personal exploration. There’s no rush to define yourself—let your journey unfold naturally. If you ever want deeper insight, communities like ours offer resources to help guide you!