BDSM Basics – How Do I Find Someone to Play With?

It’s the burning question on our lips now isn’t it? Through the earlier posts we’ve learned whether you are kinky, what role or roles we might enjoy and how to stay safe when exploring kink. So it makes sense that you now want to know how to find someone to experiment with and maybe have a relationship with! I’m going to cover this in two segments; those that are looking for playmates and those that are looking for a relationship – the whole package.

No matter what sort of person you are looking for, playing the dating game is difficult. Some of you have dated before or been in relationships where you know this to be the case. It’s a lot of work. Your ideal partner isn’t just going to fall out of the sky! (Although, I really wish it were that easy.) It is an even more difficult task to find someone who is into similar BDSM or D/s activities as you – especially since it’s not something you share openly. It’s hidden and secret. And the people who are looking for you? Don’t know how to find you either.

Casual Playmates

Let’s say you want to explore a playful, perhaps sexual relationship with D/s or BDSM aspects to it. So, you are looking for a casual playmate. These sorts of relationships can be anything from a trusted person within the community that you play with at public parties, or someone that’s a Friend with Benefits and you play in private. It can also be anything that neither of you are looking for long-term right now.

Looking for partners in this situation might be easiest on casual dating sites like AdultFriendFinder. Make sure you remember your safety tips and don’t meet someone somewhere private until you’ve felt safe with them in public and have safecalls, safewords and other safety measures in place. Trust is built over time, and until then you should have emergency lines.

Another avenue for casual play partners is the local and not so local BDSM community. If you are a part of the community you can find people to play with and that the leaders of the community trust or that have a good reputation. A lot of play happens between strangers at a play party, so even if you don’t attend regularly, try to get to the parties to meet people. Regional and National events are also good places to meet people and possibly hook up.

Long Term Relationships

A lot of what I covered with casual relationships can apply to long-term ones too. People looking for lasting, lifetime relationships mingle in the same places as casual players. So don’t forget to go where the people are that have common interests.

In this age of online dating, the large dating sites like eHarmony and Match are also places you can find people with BDSM or D/s interest. It may not be quite so obvious and you will probably have to weed through more people who quite obviously don’t fit into what you are looking for but it is still possible to find someone who you connect with on all levels and make that lifetime commitment.

Since what we do behind closed doors is generally not talked about in casual conversation, don’t be surprised when the man you met at the garage sale or the lady sitting next to you at church that you asked out on a date turns out to have some kinky interest. People interested in BDSM are everywhere. It will probably require you to be a bit more open with people as you date and explore relationships as to what you are looking for but it isn’t an impossible feat. The world is full of people with happy, healthy BDSM and D/s relationships.

What about FetLife?

So you’ve heard about FetLife and want to use it to date. Sure, you can do that if you try hard. It’s not a dating site, but more like Facebook. Yes you can use Facebook as a dating site, but it’s not easy either. There are groups on FetLife for personal ads and hooking up – both for short-term casual flings and long-term relationships.

Keep in mind that since it’s a social network and not a dating site, that cold contact with someone, sending a personal ad style message to people, unsolicited, isn’t going to do anything but get you blocked by many. My suggestion is to join groups for interests you have an participate. Share your thoughts and opinions and then perhaps you can strike up conversations with people that way. Use the personal ads groups for your detailed searching and don’t spam other groups with that information. If you use the tools that are provided you, success can be found.

I wish you luck in your search.