BDSM Basics: Am I Dominant or submissive?

Whether you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey or another drugstore dirty romance novel and then decided to go exploring in BDSM or you’ve found BDSM another way one of the first questions everyone has is are they Dominant or submissive? It sure feels like a good place to start and I am going to help you start figuring out where you think you fall on the spectrum of choices. Keep in mind that no one fits perfectly in any one label while I cover the basic roles.

Each person that has an interest in BDSM has their own opinion about what makes a Dominant or submissive and truth be told, they are all right. Arguing what is Dominant and what is submissive is an online forum’s favorite pastime. So, even if you don’t agree, or the comments on this post have a lot of varied opinions, keep in mind that each and every one of them is correct for the people expressing them. That’s really what makes deciding on a role long before you know much about BDSM so difficult. With that in mind, allow yourself to fluidly explore as many roles and identities as you think you would like before you cement yourself in one.

First, since this is a submissive website, the s-type roles are vast. A few of the more common ones are bottom, submissive, slave, little, pet and property.

bottom- During playtime, the person who gives up control, or who receives physical sensation from a Top.

submissive- Person who desires to give up control of themselves, or of certain aspects of their lives, to a Dominant partner. There are as many “styles” of submissiveness as there are submissives.  

slave- A person who consensually gives total control to their Master/Owner; often giving up much or all of their rights to limits, safewords, or negotiation.

little- A person who identifies as or role plays as a young child.

pet- A bottom who enjoys animal play or a submissive or slave who is considered living property such as domestic animals are. The pet will not necessarily have an animal persona.

property- One who is owned by another.

The D-type roles are just as varied. Some of the more common ones are Top, Dominant, Master, Daddy, and Owner.

Top- The person in control during a scene or in play, but may or may not be a Dominant.

Dominant- Person who exercises control in a D/s relationship. Can be used for either male or female Doms.

Master- An owner of a slave or a person eminently skilled in something (eg. A Master of rope-work).

Daddy- Someone who takes on a father role in a relationship; often, but not always, a Dominant.

Owner- One who has possession of another, usually a slave, pet or property.

Now with the simple definitions out of the way, how do you decide which ones fit you best? Well, go with your gut for starters. What sounds appealing to you. What excites you? Maybe your sexual fantasies might help you decide also. Use what you know about yourself and your personality to pick at least one, for now.

There is no wrong answer to this! You will not be forced to stay any particular role for the rest of eternity if you find something else you prefer more. And if you don’t like any of these options that’s okay too. There are more roles than these and I’m just covering the more common ones for you.