7 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was New to BDSM

As a slave (who used to identify as a submissive, who used to identify as a masochistic bottom), I was a newbie at one time (yes, really!!). When I entered the lifestyle, I was wide-eyed, excited, and had a healthy dose of caution just days after learning that there was a word for the kinky stuff in my head. It was a very overwhelming time because I wanted to do everything and explore this new world immediately. Now wasn’t fast enough.

Thankfully I had a wake-up call from a kind Dominant online that told me to take it easy and learn about this from the sidelines before jumping headfirst into the shallow end of the pool. I’ll never be able to thank him for that advice. I tell every submissive, no matter their age, that there is always time for education and knowledge before exploration. It can keep you safe, it can make you more aware, and it can be fun.

To start, this isn’t an all-encompassing primer about BDSM. I have far too much information to lay it out in one article. I hope to give you practical knowledge to work from so that as you explore, you will have the tools necessary to continue learning with confidence.

If you’d like a more detailed primer, I suggest these books.

• How to be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM by Morpheous
• The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
• The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino

What is BDSM? What does it stand for?

BDSM is an umbrella term for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. Each word is a giant term with many other terms under it. Anything kinky will fall under one of these terms. You don’t have to know all the words to practice BDSM, but if you are curious, there are BDSM dictionaries all over the web and at the back of just about any Intro to BDSM book, like the four suggested above.

On top of knowing some words comes learning some of the expectations and experiences you can have in the BDSM Lifestyle. Becoming a submissive in a D/s dynamic is like any other relationship with one significant difference. The roles are set, not fluid like a regular relationship. A dominant and submissive never switch roles (unless in agreed-upon circumstances), and the relationship continues strongly as this dynamic. People can be into kinky play and only engage in their roles in the bedroom, or they can be in control of their chosen roles throughout their everyday lives.

There are many things that I would never entertain as pleasurable or enjoyable, but I can appreciate someone’s desire to do them for those reasons. Neither is more significant or less valuable to BDSM. What one chooses to do within their relationship is personal and unique. Liking other people’s kinks is not required, but accepting them is favored.

Now, let’s get into the seven things I wish I had known when I started. As with all advice, take what works for you and leave the rest.

1. Is It a Lifestyle?

BDSM is a Lifestyle for me. I live it all the time, and it’s who I am. However, this is not the case with over half of the known BDSM population. The range of participation varies greatly. I can’t say that I know exact numbers, but I know that out of 10 kinky people I could meet in a room, 7 of them probably do not identify as Lifestyle BDSMers. That’s fine with me; we can still chat kink and not get all uncomfortable because we aren’t EXACTLY alike, right?

There are many different roles you can be in BDSM, from Top, Dominant, or Master to bottom, submissive, and slave. There are also variations on these roles depending on the type of dynamic you want. You could be in a Daddy/little girl or Mommy/little boy dynamic. You could be in a Poly Master/slave household where you are the alpha. You could just be kinky and love the fun stuff in the bedroom. It’s all available to you.

2. What’s the Big Deal?

BDSM is a big deal to those that have anything to do with it because it turns them on in some way; sexually, intellectually, emotionally, or all of the above. BDSM is not always sex driven, but it can be. Some of us consider it almost a new sexual orientation; I’ve recently been of the volition that sexual orientation can describe not only your gender-specific sexual identity but also the differences in how you enjoy sex.

For example, someone with an extreme but healthy fetish would have that fetish as a requirement for sex, just as being heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual is an identifier for each person. For someone such as myself, sex isn’t fulfilling if it does not have elements of power exchange or SM. I do not get the same enjoyment from regular sex as I do with Power sex. This is not to say I can’t have regular sex; I prefer Power Exchange and SM.

With the mainstream sensation of 50 Shades of Grey, more people are bringing D/s roleplay and BDSM into their bedrooms. With this influx of people, it’s an important distinction that for many people, BDSM is just a casual play experience, while others will apply D/s and kink to some or all of their lives and relationships. BDSM is changing people and providing avenues of expression that people may have never known.

3. Am I Normal?

Yes, very much so. One of the first questions new submissives ask themselves is, “are they normal to desire the things they do?” This could be surrendering control, kinky sex, humiliation, or service. Anything that appears to fall outside the vanilla umbrella can cause a novice to question if they are normal. This is normal.

Everyone questions themselves at one time or another. I’ve questioned myself many times. Each time I come out with a better understanding of myself and what I want in life. There is no reason to be afraid of new and different things. You may find these things worth your attention and could fulfill you in ways you never thought possible.

For example, even if you never thought you’d explore bondage, you one day wanted to see what it was all about. There is nothing wrong with trying it out to see what feelings and sensations there were. If you love it, that’s just another thing to learn about and have fun with. If you find there isn’t really a strong pull toward it, you can chalk it on the no-thank-you list. Either way, exploring different and foreign things is normal and human.

What about things that could be dangerous or involve risks? Everything you do has risks; even driving to the corner store could end in a fatal accident. Does this mean you are a risky person? Just because there are risks involved doesn’t mean you should shelter your desires.

So what is normal? How can it be defined in a BDSM context? Not very easily. Normal is different for each person. Everyone’s idea of normal fluctuates and changes during their lives. So your idea of normal now won’t be the same five years or even five months from now.

The uncomfortable feelings you experience, when everything is brand new, have nothing to do with normalcy but acceptance. When you accept your feelings as normal, then you will feel normal. Thousands of people all over the world are exploring new and exciting things all the time. Join the fun!

4. You should try new things. But only some things are going to be for you.

One of our human strengths is that we love to try new things. As a novice submissive, you are probably terrified to venture out of your bubble and try something that has to seem terrifying and still exciting. Try everything you are interested in at least once or twice if you are unsure of your first response.

It is okay if something doesn’t do it for you. It’s okay if you change your mind. And it’s okay if someone else likes it, but you don’t. The key to exploration is to do so with an open mind and accept whatever response you get. For example, if you’ve fantasized about being tied up with rope and made to orgasm repeatedly, but the real experience fell flat from your expectations, you have a few choices.

• You can decide it was hotter in fantasy, but you are glad you tried it. You won’t be doing it again anytime soon.
• You can figure out that the person, situation, or time frame affected your response to playing out your fantasy, and you want to try it again when things are more favorable.
• You can decide that once was enough. Now where is the next fantasy?

You will encounter kinks that offend, repulse, or just make you feel oogy. These things drive other people wild, but that doesn’t mean you must try them. You don’t even have to watch them. But you have to accept that other people can and will participate in kinky activities you don’t like.

Keep an open mind.

5. Yes, you can do that kink. Yes, others will have issues with it. No, they don’t matter.

I said above that you may encounter kinky activities that may offend you or make you wonder why anyone would find that exciting. But you could also have an unusual or particularly unique kink that few others share. You may find people don’t like that kink and will be very vocal about why.

Don’t let that bother you. I know that sounds easier said than done, but learn to have a thick skin because there will be people with closed minds who find that their way of enjoying kink is the only way and anyone who says or does differently is wrong. The truth is that they don’t matter to you.

What matters is how you explore life and how you feel about your place in BDSM. Your confidence is sexy, and knowing your preferences, no matter how others feel about them, is powerful. Consider it this way; what harm is it to you what they think about something you find to be enjoyable or the right way for you to do something? How will it affect you once they turn around and walk away?

Probably very little. Embrace who you are.

6. You should explore your fantasies. But recognize that not all fantasies translate easily to real life.

I’ve touched on this a bit above, but not all fantasies work well in practice, and some shouldn’t ever leave the realm of your dreams. The reason this is will probably not escape you. There are safety risks or expectations that just won’t work in real life. For example, you have a fantasy about experiencing a stress position known to kill people or a real torture tactic like waterboarding. The safety in these situations is far above SSC, RACK, or any other safety limitations that others may have. Similarly, some fantasies violate the law or moral code, such as pedophilia or animal cruelty, and should remain a part of a fantasy.

With that said, you can simulate many things to experience something like your fantasy without harm and within the realm of safety. I heard a story of someone who wanted to experience necrophilia with their partner (without actual death). To make this fantasy “real,” the female partner went into a private cemetery at night and laid down over a grave for over an hour, getting chilled from the cold ground and frosty air. Then, at the agreed time, the man would explore the cemetery, discover her “dead” body, and ravage her cold limp body. From the smiles on their faces, it appears it was a fantastic time for both.

Be creative and innovative with your fantasies to see if you can enact something that will give you the sensation of the fantasy without doing anything you may regret later.

7. Other people share your kink, but please don’t assume that the first person you find is The One for you.

Just because a person also loves having sex while rolling in Jell-O does not mean they are compatible with you.

That’s right, I just said it. You’ve searched the world for someone interested in the same kinky things you are, and when you find one, I’m telling you to hold it right there a moment and think. You remember thinking, right? That mind function you had before all common sense fled, and you were suddenly in a frenzy over finding someone who shared the same kinks as you, and now you just had to have it? Yeah, that.

Ok, okay, so there are two scenarios here. You want a casual fling with someone and to experience a kink or fantasy that you have only found one other person that’s into. There’s no need for further compatibility if that’s all you want. Fine, go rock your world.

But if you want a relationship with someone that enjoys a particular kink so that you can experience it again and again, as well as the dynamics a relationship can bring, read on. Realistically, do you think you are entirely compatible with someone you know just one thing about? It’s like a lottery number, and the likelihood is that you’ll not win. So, before the roll in jello, talk to the person unless the roll is all you are interested in. Realistically, do you think you are completely compatible with someone you know just one thing about? It’s like a lottery number; the likelihood is that you’ll not win.

A relationship isn’t about one specific fantasy fulfilled; it’s about being each other’s dreams realized. Even if you’ve looked for someone for months or years and this is the first person who has said, yes, I love that kink, if you aren’t relationship compatible, then that means nothing. The scope is larger than that.

The first Dominant you meet is not necessarily your dream Dom. This goes for submissives brand new to submission or BDSM. Date them, regularly date them. Develop a relationship with them before adding kink. Do not submit to anyone until you know them forward and backward and are sure you are compatible with them.

If, after a time of your choosing, you decide that this person could really be your dream Dominant, then go for it. My best wishes to you.

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