7 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was New to BDSM

As a submissive, I was a newbie once. When I entered the lifestyle, I was excited and cautious after learning there was a term for the kinky ideas in my head. It was overwhelming—I wanted to dive into everything at once. Thankfully, a kind Dominant advised me to learn first, and I’ve never forgotten that wisdom. I now share this with every submissive: take time to educate yourself before jumping in. It’s safer, more fulfilling, and fun.

This article isn’t an exhaustive guide to BDSM but aims to provide practical knowledge for those starting out. If you want a deeper dive, I recommend:

• How to be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM by Morpheous
• The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
• The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino

BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. These umbrella terms cover a wide range of kinks. You don’t need to know every term, but BDSM dictionaries and introductory books can help. In a D/s dynamic, roles are fixed rather than fluid. Some limit these roles to the bedroom, while others live them daily. BDSM is personal and unique—accepting others’ preferences, even if they differ from yours, is important.

1. Is It a Lifestyle?

For me, BDSM is a lifestyle. I live it all the time, and it’s who I am. But for many, it’s just a bedroom activity. 

Sexual attractions research has found that anywhere from 60-80% of people endorse having at least one or more kinky fantasies or interests. Smaller percentages have engaged in those activities. Anything from 10-15% of people tend to identify as being kinky or into BDSM. And so out of that 10-15% who identify as kinky, 1-2% of people report engaging in kink play or going to kink events weekly or every few weeks. So there’s a huge range. (The Psychological and Practical Subtleties of Kink, accessed 10-11-23)

There’s no right way—whether you live it 24/7 or only explore it occasionally. BDSM offers diverse roles, from Dominant to submissive, Top to bottom, or even dynamics like Daddy/little or Poly Master/slave households. Explore what resonates with you.

2. What’s the Big Deal?

BDSM turns people on—whether sexually, intellectually, or emotionally. It’s not always about sex, but for some, like me, it’s essential to fulfillment. With 50 Shades of Grey, BDSM has become more mainstream, introducing D/s roleplay into many bedrooms. While it can be casual for some, for others, it transforms relationships and self-expression. BDSM is changing people and providing avenues of expression that people may have never known.

3. Am I Normal?

Yes. Questioning yourself is natural when exploring new desires. Surrendering control, engaging in kinky sex, or enjoying service doesn’t make you abnormal. 

I’ve questioned myself many times. Each time I come out with a better understanding of myself and what I want in life. There is no reason to be afraid of new and different things. You may find these things worth your attention and could fulfill you in ways you never thought possible.

For example, even if you never thought you’d explore bondage, you one day wanted to see what it was all about. There is nothing wrong with trying to see what feelings and sensations there were. If you love it, that’s just another thing to learn about and have fun with. If you find there isn’t really a strong pull toward it, you can chalk it on the no-thank-you list. Either way, exploring different and foreign things is normal and human.

What about things that could be dangerous or involve risks? Everything you do has risks; even driving to the corner store could end in a fatal accident. Does this mean you are a risky person? Just because there are risks involved doesn’t mean you should shelter your desires.

What’s “normal” varies by person and evolves over time. Embracing your feelings and exploring your desires is human. Not every fantasy will be for you—and that’s okay.

4. Try New Things, But Not Everything Will Be for You.

Trying new things is key to growth, but not all experiences will align with your expectations. If a fantasy falls flat, that’s okay. Evaluate whether it was the person, situation, or fantasy. Sometimes, a kink is better left as a fantasy, while other times, it’s worth another try. 

It is okay if something doesn’t do it for you. It’s okay if you change your mind. And it’s okay if someone else likes it but you don’t. The key to exploration is to do so with an open mind and accept whatever response you get. For example, if you’ve fantasized about being tied up with rope and made to orgasm repeatedly, but the real experience fell flat, that’s okay.

• You can decide it was hotter in fantasy, but you are glad you tried it. You won’t be doing it again anytime soon.
• You can figure out that the person, situation, or time frame affected your response to playing out your fantasy, and you want to try it again when things are more favorable.
• You can decide that once was enough. Now, where is the next fantasy?

Be open-minded and accept that others may enjoy kinks you don’t. You will encounter kinks that offend, repulse, or just make you feel oogy. These things drive other people wild, but that doesn’t mean you must try them. You don’t even have to watch them. But you do have to accept that other people can and will participate in kinky activities you don’t like.

5. Yes, You Can Do That Kink. Others May Judge, But They Don’t Matter.

You may have unique kinks that others find unusual—or even criticize. 

Don’t let that bother you. I know that sounds easier said than done, but learn to have a thick skin because there will be people with closed minds who find that their way of enjoying kink is the only way and anyone who says or does differently is wrong. The truth is that their opinions don’t matter.

What matters is how you explore life and how you feel about your place in BDSM. Confidence in your preferences is empowering. Consider it this way: What harm is it to you? What do they think about something you find enjoyable or the right way to do something? How will it affect you once they turn around and walk away?

Remember, your enjoyment of BDSM is about your personal experience, not others’ approval.

6. Explore Fantasies, But Know Not All Translate to Reality.

Not all fantasies are safe or feasible in real life. The reason this is will probably not escape you. There are safety risks or expectations that just won’t work in real life. For example, you fantasize about experiencing a stress position or a torture tactic like waterboarding. The safety in these situations is far above SSC, RACK, or any other safety mantra that others may have. Some carry risks beyond ethical limits or legality.

With that said, you can simulate many things to experience something like your fantasy without harm and within the realm of safety. For example, a couple recreated a necrophilia fantasy in a safe, consensual way (without actual death, of course). To make this fantasy “real,” the “dead” partner went into a private cemetery at night and lay on the grass for over an hour, chilling from the cold ground and frosty air. Then, at the agreed time, their partner would explore the cemetery, discover the “dead” body, and ravage them. From the smiles on their faces, it appears it was a fantastic time for both.

With ingenuity, you can fulfill fantasies responsibly.

7. Shared Kinks Don’t Guarantee Compatibility.

Just because a person also loves having sex while rolling in Jell-O does not mean they are compatible with you.

Finding someone who shares your kink doesn’t mean they’re your perfect match. If you want a relationship, compatibility goes beyond shared interests. Take time to get to know potential partners before adding kink.

There are two ways this could play out. If all you want is a casual fling to explore a specific kink or fantasy with someone who shares your interest, compatibility beyond that isn’t a priority. In that case, go ahead—enjoy the experience.

But if you’re looking for a relationship where you can revisit that kink and build a dynamic together, compatibility matters far more than just a shared interest. Think about it: is one mutual kink really enough to sustain a connection? Building a lasting relationship requires understanding each other beyond surface-level fantasies. So, before diving in—whether into a conversation or a roll in Jell-O—make sure you take the time to truly get to know them.

A relationship is about realizing each other’s dreams, not just one shared fantasy. Date, communicate, and ensure compatibility before fully committing to a dynamic.

BDSM is more than just a collection of practices—it’s a personal journey of discovery, connection, and self-expression. Every step you take, every boundary you test, and every fantasy you explore adds depth to your understanding of who you are and what you desire. What part of this journey excites you most? The answers lie ahead, waiting for you to uncover them.

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