Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner

“What do I do if my significant other is vanilla?”

This is a common situation and one which does not have an easy answer. It is important because, for many of us, it is not sufficient to simply bury our desires and needs for BDSM submission. This article will discuss how to approach your partner the ultimate goal of hopefully participating in BDSM with them.

The alternative to discussing this with your partner is to hide your desires and while this may be a safer route for some who are unwilling to risk any stress in their relationship, it has a large chance of causing damage to the relationship not only from a significant lack of your own fulfillment but also from a significant lack of open communication.

To open a dialog, communicate with your partner to understand what potential there may be if any, for BDSM to be included in your relationship. I recommend that you avoid initially inundating your partner with all of the details of your fantasies as your partner may be scared away by talk of scat or genital puncture but talk of light bondage or service should be safe to discuss if presented in a calm and open manner.

When you have the first discussion about BDSM with your partner, attempt to understand your partner’s views and attitudes and, if you receive a positive and supportive response, you may introduce a bit more detail into the conversation such as light whipping. It is probably too risky in a first or even second conversation to go into any more detail, the main point is to view and listen to your partner’s reactions.

In the first conversation do not ask your partner to participate with you in your BDSM desires because that will put him or her in an uncomfortable place of making a quick decision. Simply express your general desires and let your partner think about it for a future conversation. Putting pressure on your partner is the quickest way to scare off your partner and that is the last thing you would want to do. Be patient with your partner.

It is important to manage your own expectations in this process. You may find that your partner jumps for joy and reveals his or her secret desires to be compatible with you but that will likely not be the reality and it could be harmful if you react negatively when these ideals are not initially met. If you could get through the first discussion with your partner being supportive, then that is a positive first step even if your partner does not show any initial willingness to take part with you.

It may take your partner time, possibly an extended amount of time, to be able to participate with you so the primary goals of the first conversation or two should be

1. Let your partner know of your general desires for BDSM (without asking at this stage for participation); and
2. Avoid scaring off your partner.

Here is an example of approaching your partner for the first time about expressing your general BDSM desires: Choose a setting with no distractions in which you and your partner are very unlikely to be interrupted by dinner being ready or your favorite TV show beginning. Depending upon the general communication level between you and your partner, ask if he is she has a few minutes to discuss something with you. You want to present this as something which is important and not just some casual throwaway conversation.

Start with something familiar and add to it a beginning of what you would like your partner to know. “Remember that time a month ago when you bossed me around in the kitchen? I enjoyed that and I really like the idea of being bossed around by you.” If the initial response to this is not negative, “It really turns me on to think about being bossed around by you and under your thumb.” That might be enough for a first conversation unless he or she asks for more information such as a clarification or even an offer; if your partner starts ordering you around right then and there don’t be shy about accepting, although I wouldn’t go into this expecting your partner to have that initial reaction.

If you do not have a starting point for a conversation about the topic you would like to bring up, then you can just jump right in, carefully. “You’ve heard of people enjoying being tied up, right? I like the idea of that” and then if the initial response is not negative you can follow-up with “It’s exciting to me to think about being tied up and under your control.”

If the first conversation goes no further, then that is okay and you can end with something like “I just wanted you to know because I don’t want to hide anything from you.” This first conversation might only last one minute, which is okay.

If after the first conversation or two nothing is gained beyond these two goals, do not express disappointment or other negativity because that could prevent further advancement of your ultimate goal of participating with your partner. To repeat: Manage your own expectations.

After the initial conversation, have a follow-up conversation hopefully a day or two later to determine your partner’s feelings, once he or she has had time to think about it. It may be helpful to mostly repeat the first conversation, just to reinforce for your partner that this is important to you while making sure that your partner understands your general desires.

Depending on how the second conversation goes, you may want to ask explicitly how your partner feels about this. “So how do you feel about this?” is a good open-ended question towards the end of the second conversation. By contrast, “So would you like to participate with me?” may be too risky at this stage as it may be too pushy unless your partner has shown enthusiasm or strong support. Avoid asking yes or no questions because that backs your partner into a corner.

In later conversations with your partner about BDSM, it may be helpful to go into further details and to ask about your partner’s desires more explicitly. Once your partner feels comfortable that you are still the person he or she cares for, it is reasonable to ask something like “On a scale from 0 to 10, how much to you think you might be interested in participating with me?” This avoids the dreaded yes/no dynamic.

You will need to see how the conversations go with an eye towards not putting your partner on the spot to decide but to hopefully keep the conversation moving forward towards your goal. It is a difficult balance between finding out your partner’s stance without pushing your partner into a decision but it is well worth the time and effort in finding that balance with your partner.

You may find that your partner is willing to participate with you even if not with as much initial enthusiasm as you hope for or need but that the enthusiasm may grow over time. That is a subject for a future article.

What if your partner shoots you down and is not interested at all? In this case be supportive of your partner’s freedom to choose. Remain positive because this is not the end of the story. At a later date, perhaps after a few days, bring up the issue again and see if your partner has the same response, or try sending your partner an e-mail which expresses your general desires without being negative. By this time, your partner may have remorse at shooting you down and may want to work this out. Also, bringing the issue up again gives a clear message that this is important to you and not just a minor issue. If you get shot down a second time then wait a week or two and bring it up again. If you get shot down a third time then the situation will likely not change soon and you would need to deal with the difficult situation. That situation is for a future article.

As a summary:

1. First conversation: express a mild version of your general BDSM desires but do not ask your partner for any sort of decision;
2. Second conversation: mostly repeat the first conversation and ask how your partner feels about this;
3. Tread lightly to avoid scaring off your partner;
4. Manage your own expectations; even if there is a significant setback do not express negativity; and
5. Maintain positive communications; there is nothing more of a game-killer than negativity.