“I want my Dominant to spank me more.”
“How can I tell him I need more praise and approval without topping from the bottom?”
“I need more attention, how can I tell him without being pushy?”
“Can I tell him I love him and still be submissive?
“How do I tell him that my needs aren’t being met?”
“I wish I could tell him that I need sex more often.”
And that’s just the start. So many times these questions hit my email and I can understand why. What I don’t understand is why so many of us lack communication skills once we enter a D/s relationship? Now don’t get in a tizzy, but something in our head thinks that all of a sudden the Dominant we are with is a magical being that should just know what we want and goodness if we need or want more from him because that would be pushing ourselves on them. And that we are somehow not able to voice our thoughts and opinions anymore. That instead of a human being, we are lesser.
- You are in a relationship. It makes no difference if there is a dynamic attached to it. Your personal responsibility in that relationship is to make sure your partner knows what you want and need. That requires communication.
- Set a time to talk away from the bedroom or dynamic if need be. Sit down together as equals and talk about your concerns, needs, and desires. Exchange ideas and understand each other better. Learn how to use “I feel” statements.
- Learn that submissive does not mean silent. You have every right to be heard and ask for things you would like or you need. While the Dominant makes the decision on what to do with your request, you should not be afraid or ashamed to voice it. Asking for attention, approval, fulfilling needs or anything else is simply good communication.
- Dominants are not mind readers. When you have something you wish they would do more often and you come to me asking how to get them to do x, y and z I’m going to tell you to ask them. I’m not in the relationship with them, you are.
- Topping from the bottom is a cloudy term that has many submissives afraid of their own shadow. Read my impressions about bottom-topping and think for yourself.
It is possible to be a pushy submissive though if you don’t word your requests right. As I shared above with the “I feel” statements, being demanding, pouting and arguing your position are ways to force your Dominant’s hand and is definitely frowned upon in D/s social circles. If you are a bratty submissive, and not with a Dom that enjoys that – you may get in trouble pretty quickly.
The only thing I want you standing your ground on and doing everything you can to get your voice heard pertains to your needs. If you feel unfulfilled in the relationship and that something is lacking but they are not listening to your clear communication about it, make the decision to be happy. If that means you get up and leave, then do it. You are in control of your own destiny. Submissive or not; once you’ve learned how to communicate effectively don’t settle for less.
How do you talk to your partner about wanting more or needing something?