Full Question: [Trimmed for brevity.] I’m dating a guy who is my potential Dom. He doesn’t DO much of what he talks about. It feels like he’s becoming my kind-of-kinky boyfriend. That’s not what I want. We’ve talked about what I’m seeking & what he wants. In talks, it seems like a perfect match, but in actions, I’m still waiting for someone who wants to use me & is willing to do so. I know I must talk to him about this, but what do I say? Is he a lost cause, and should I just find someone else?
Answer:
That’s a very frustrating situation! No matter how long you’ve been in this relationship, everyone shows their true colors through actions, not talk. So if you’ve had several conversations about what you want and need, and they agree that they, too, want this, watch for those actions to line up with them.
Now, if they are brand new to kink, they may not know how to get started exploring what they want to do and talking with them on how to get started building what you two want would be a great first step. Provide specific examples to help him understand your expectations.
Discuss action steps you both can take to begin moving into what you both desire. Set small goals, check in often to see where you are and how you feel. Encourage him to express his needs and expectations as well.
While it’s essential to have open communication, also be prepared to assess whether your desires and his align in a way that satisfies both parties. If, after the discussion, your expectations are fundamentally incompatible, you may need to consider whether the relationship is the right fit for both of you.
If he is willing to work on meeting your expectations, give the relationship time to evolve. However, it might be worth reconsidering the relationship if you see a pattern of unfulfilled promises or lack of effort.