It’s not uncommon for submissives to meet Dominants who are just as new, or even more nervous, than they are. After all, power exchange isn’t a one-way street. Just as submissives wrestle with questions like “Am I doing this right?” or “What if I’m not a ‘real’ sub?”, new Dominants can feel the same pressure. They want to be confident, capable, and “in control,” but in reality, they’re human beings learning something intimate, vulnerable, and complex.
So how can we, as willing submissives, help a willing but nervous new Dominant find their footing? Let’s walk through it step by step.
1. Make Communication Your Shared Foundation
Before any play, before any roles or rituals, comes communication. This is where you build mutual comfort, not just safety. Talk about what you each want from the dynamic and what makes each of you feel unsure.
Let them know that it’s okay not to have all the answers right away. D/s is learned through connection and experience, not perfection. When your Dominant admits uncertainty, that’s not weakness; it’s courage. Respond with reassurance, not judgment. Encourage them to take their time and ask questions.
If you’re further along in your understanding of submission, share what you’ve learned without lecturing. “I’ve read about this technique,” or “We could look at this together,” sounds a lot better than “You should do this.” You’re not teaching them how to dominate; you’re helping create a space where learning together feels safe.
2. Go as Fast as the Slowest Partner
Every power exchange dynamic moves at the pace of the least comfortable person. This is a golden rule for all BDSM relationships. If one of you is nervous or unsure, that’s the speed limit.
Baby steps are key. Start with a light structure or low-intensity power exchange, such as having them make small decisions, experiment with verbal commands, or lead you through a short ritual. Confidence is built through successful, positive experiences, not pressure-filled moments of performance.
When things go well, tell them. “That made me feel really cared for,” or “I loved how you handled that,” are powerful affirmations that reinforce their growing confidence.
3. Exposure and Education
One of the best ways to help a nervous Dominant grow comfortable is to normalize the learning process. Encourage them to explore the broader BDSM community, together if possible.
Attend a local BDSM munch or educational event. These low-pressure social gatherings can help them see that every Dominant, no matter how experienced, started somewhere. They’ll also have the chance to talk with other Tops or Doms who can share insights and experiences that build reassurance and perspective.
If in-person events feel intimidating, start online. There are FetLife groups designed specifically for Dominants, as well as active communities on Reddit and Discord where respectful discussion is encouraged.
You might also point them toward reputable YouTube channels or podcasts by Dominants who focus on mentorship, ethics, and skill-building. (Just remind them that not every voice online represents healthy or informed dominance; discernment is essential.)
4. Keep Encouragement at the Heart of It
Being a new Dominant can feel like walking a tightrope between confidence and fear of failure. They may second-guess themselves, worry about “not being dominant enough,” or feel anxious about hurting you by mistake.
Your role as a submissive here isn’t to push them forward; it’s to make them feel supported wherever they are. Celebrate progress, however small. If they try something new, even imperfectly, express appreciation. “I really loved that you tried that,” can mean the world to someone still building their confidence.
Avoid setting them up for comparison with experienced Dominants. Your dynamic is yours alone. Growth will happen naturally as trust and comfort deepen.
5. Learn Together, Grow Together
When both partners are learning, it’s an opportunity for incredible intimacy. Try reading books, watching workshops, or taking online classes together. Discuss what resonates, what doesn’t, and how it might apply to your relationship.
This keeps you on the same page and avoids the trap of “teacher and student” dynamics that can distort early D/s relationships. You’re teammates, co-creating something that feels right for both of you.
6. Don’t Forget Aftercare for Both of You
After your first few scenes, remember that Dominants need aftercare, too. A nervous Dom may feel emotionally drained or anxious about how things went. Offering gentle reassurance, such as “I felt safe,” “I trust you,” or “You did wonderfully,” can help them process and feel grounded.
Likewise, talk openly about what each of you learned and how you’d like to adjust next time. Feedback delivered with kindness builds both skill and connection.
Final Thoughts
Helping a nervous new Dominant isn’t about “training” them to be who you want, it’s about fostering trust and safety so they can grow into who they are. Your patience, communication, and support can turn nervous energy into excitement and shared purpose.
Go slowly. Celebrate small victories. Keep talking. And most of all, remember that you’re learning together, one step at a time.