Question: Last week, in the introductory phase, I had a Domme ask me what humiliates me. I hesitated to tell her because it also embarrassed me. Hope that makes sense. I ended up telling her, but it was very uncomfortable.
What are your thoughts on this question, and am I obligated to answer this?
Answer:
Welcome to life in the uncomfortable zone!
This was the perfect descriptive word to describe this feeling—a feeling many of us s-types know so well. As we navigate through submission, we often have to learn to let go. Let go of our inhibitions, let go of control, let go of vanilla-style communication in our relationships—and it is indeed uncomfortable at times.
It is important to find—and then use—our submissive voice. Why? Because we are often engaging in risky behaviors. Risky to our physical AND emotional/mental well-being. And by the nature of the dynamic, we are letting go of control over that risky behavior to varying degrees.
You ask my thoughts on the question they asked: I think it was a reasonable question when discussing and negotiating play! You may have asked for clarity about intentions for that information (“May I ask what you intend to do with that information or why you feel it is necessary to have?”), and you’ll see that oftentimes a respectful, clarifying question can go a long way in making both parties feel more comfortable and on the same page.
You should feel COMFORTABLE asking anything respectfully. Even the UNCOMFORTABLE topics.
Now—are you obligated to answer that? NO. You are not obligated to anything. You are allowed to have, and change, your limits/restrictions in your dynamic. You should always feel comfortable to say, “I am not interested in discussing this topic at this point in the relationship and would like you to consider it a hard limit of mine.” And be promptly listened to and respected.
Though… I will also say that often those uncomfortable conversations are where growth happens. Growth as a submissive and growth in the dynamic.
I take a tip from my yoga practice. When doing something new, you will feel uncomfortable; that is where the progress happens. You should NOT be feeling pain—if it is painful you’re doing too much, going too far too fast. But you should feel something. If it is easy and doesn’t gently push you, you won’t be growing.
So I have learned to live in the uncomfortable zone, with the knowledge that I can ALWAYS give a firm “no, thank you” (or speak my safe word) and have my voice heard and respected.