Not all Dominants take well to someone who wishes to serve them intimately and with all things. It may seem counter-productive but oftentimes the Dominant is very self-sufficient and requires little aid in their lives. So what is a submissive wishing to serve to do in a situation like this?

What is self-sufficiency?

A self-sufficient Dominant is one that requires very little aid, support or interaction for the basics in life. Simply put they like to do things themselves and function best when these things are performed by them. In a D/s relationship, it can be very common for the Dominant to want to do their own grooming, some of the home care, cooking, or a myriad of other things because they are used to doing them, prefer to do them, or have exacting specifications that they don't (yet) trust with someone else.

Why is it harder to serve a self-sufficient Dominant?

It's far harder because they want to do everything themselves. It is not impossible though. The key here is to communicate to your Dominant that you have a need to serve that is not being met, that you wish to aid them in any possible manner without overstepping the self-sufficiency they have established. It's a difficult discussion because they may not realize that there is more you can do and still leave them to manage their world.

This is not the time to try and step in and do things that you think might be nice. It could disturb their balance and wind you over their lap for topping from below. Communication and discussion come first. After all, this is an exchange and you both should be getting your needs met and feel fulfilled in the relationship.

How can you serve them and leave their autonomy intact?

There are definitely ways you can serve them that leaves them to do what they normally do. Think about the following circumstances:

Personal Grooming

- Will they allow you to start their shower? Can you warm their towel? Lay out their shaving kit? Iron their shirts or lay out their clothing?

Home Care

- Can you learn basic maintenance of small appliances like vacuums, lawn mowers and toasters to keep them in running order? What about food preparation for the Dominant who prefers to do the cooking? If they do the shopping, can you help my keeping a running pantry list and stockpile list?


- Are you a good navigator? Can you read a map and compass? Can you do research on the locations you or your Dominant will be passing or staying in so they can find food, lodging, entertainment and fuel easily? Will they allow you to maintain the car or keep a travel emergency pack stocked?


- Will they allow you to clean and store the toys/tools?

It just takes a bit of thinking outside the box to know that you can serve them and they can still remain in control of their own lives. There are many ways you can share in your Dominant's life that will benefit the both of you. You just have to look for it and then communicate it to them.

In what ways do you serve a self-sufficient Dominant?