Within weeks of the realization that I wanted to be more than a kinky bed partner, I made the personal definitions of submissive and slave. Since then, over 7 years ago they have changed only slightly. So little that I had decided that based on my definitions I could never and would never be a slave.

Let me start out by saying that the definitions of the words submissive and slave in the BDSM context are subjective. You may or may not agree with mine and I may have different opinions about yours. And that's okay with me. I love the variety and hearing what people think and feel about any given aspect of BDSM and submission. I formed my definitions over 7 years ago when I was first starting out and my main source of information was a couple websites called CastleRealm and OneHandOneHeart (both now defunct). These websites painted a glorious picture of perfection for me and submission seemed to drip from the pages in a sweet honeyed syrup that I hungered for.

In my decisions, I decided that the definition of a slave would be relatively narrow and hard to achieve. Slaves would have no limits other than those of the Master. They would not be allowed to say "no," or question the decisions of the Master. Obedience was required and expected and essentially their personal freedom was revoked. Even writing it all out now I can see how narrow my view was but no one ever questioned my definition.

When people didn't fit into my little definition and still called themselves slaves I accepted it. Besides, it wasn't my definition they were living by. There are slaves of all types and I never even gave a thought to my definition after meeting countless slaves and learning about them. My definition still stood for me.

And that's why I decided I could never be a slave. I couldn't ever live up to the narrow and difficult road I had painted for a slave.  But that's slowly changing.

Last month Master asked me if we'd be able to move from D/s to M/s and I outright said I could never be a slave. He agrees that right now I can't be the slave he needs me to be, but that I could be so much closer to his desired slave than I am now. He's given me time and patience to figure out for myself if I can be a slave. What it comes down to is, can I change my personal definition that I've decided I'd never live up to meet my new needs and desires as Master's slave?

The word "slave" scares me. I'm not really sure why other than it feels foreign and confining, whereas a submissive feels free and easy. I've had plenty of time to think about it and talk to other slaves that I know about my predicament. I was amazed to hear some of them consider me a slave by my attitude and behaviors that they had witnessed and not the submissive I proclaim to be. So, I decided to work on my definition and change it to make me more comfortable with my own personal growth and development.

I'm still afraid of becoming a slave, it's not an easy step and one that will likely take me deeper into surrender than I ever thought I'd go. But I'm not afraid of who I'm doing it for. KnyghtMare is my rock and he's stood by me through all of my growth and development and loved almost every change and is pleased that I can change for him.

Finally, my beliefs are beginning to change and I can look into the future and see me happily serving and defining myself as a slave; KnyghtMare's slave. I don't know how long it will take me but I'm in it for the long haul.

Reader's Questions

• Do you define yourself as a submissive or a slave? Why?
• If you identify as submissive, do you ever see yourself becoming a slave?
• How do you see a transition from submissive to slave; is it a deeper submission or another step on the same line? Something else entirely?