I'll be the first to say that even after 7 years of being with my Dominant that I still occasionally test his limits and the rules placed on me. It's not because I don't believe that I should be following the rules or that he's lacking in his Dominance. Not at all. It's a natural part of a relationship to occasionally test the boundaries of that relationship; especially one where control is a factor, and see where those lines are.

I had a question sent to me the other day asking for suggestions and strategies that a novice submissive could use to make sure they don't break the rules while they are still learning which sparked this topic for me. To the person that asked, unfortunately making mistakes is a part of learning. If you want to be a better submissive then you have to learn from your mistakes as you make them so that you don't make them over and over again. That's the bottom line.

I'm not condoning the frequent and habitual breaking of rules that happens in some cases I've encountered. In those situations, there is far more going wrong in the relationship than occasional pushing of boundaries. What I'm covering here are the natural pushes against authority that submissives will do to test the relationship.

Build Boundaries

In the case of testing the limits of control, it will build those boundaries for a submissive early and often. We thrive on knowing how far we can go and just where that line is. Feeling and touching those boundaries on occasion helps us feel safe and secure in our position as a submissive. If the rules are not enforced and the mistakes go unquestioned then we may feel far too free than we want to feel.

Enforce the Rules

When we are disciplined it enforces those boundaries and reminds us that we are happiest within the boundaries that Dominants have set for us. While we may have had a rebel moment submissives really are happier when the lines are drawn and we stay within them. Sometimes these rebel moments are a cry for attention or we are not getting our needs met and we haven't yet found a better way to tell you. Submissives can get it in our head that punishment is good for us because you are paying attention to us and not realize that this attention isn't nurturing the base need.

How Far?

I know in the beginning of my relationship with KnyghtMare I pushed on those fences he put up a lot. Wanted to know how much give they had if I could walk them a bit further out, testing them to see if they were made of concrete or floss.  In this period of learning, we both tore down and rebuild the fences often. I was in trouble a lot. He was constantly learning what level of Dominance that needed to be exerted to make me happiest and we took a lot of time getting that right. We learned a lot about each other during that time.

Since relationships evolve and grow, it's not unusual to retest those same rules and limits to see if they are still where you left them or if it's time to rebuild them further out or closer in.


Thoughts to Ponder

  • Do you catch yourself pushing limits and testing your Dominant's rules? Why do you think you do that?
  • How much pushing do you consider healthy to a relationship? When is the breaking point?