I'm going to take a bit of liberty in my assumption here but bear with me for a moment. When you first learn about submission and what it might entail it is likely you are learning about bedroom submission and the pleasures of serving the sexual and sensual needs of your partner. Oftentimes these submissives love submitting because they get something directly out of the exchange. It is for mutual pleasure and enjoyment. So if and when the submission is brought out of the bedroom and into other areas of their life they begin to feel a struggle to connect to that pleasurable feeling they had in the bedroom and can't figure out why submissives enjoy submitting all the time (myth, btw).

Not everyone is cut out to live a 24/7 Dominant/submissive lifestyle. It's just not the goal that every person or relationship should have. The relationships that it works well in are ones where that joy in submitting shines in and out of the bedroom. Your heart has to be in it. You have to want to serve your Dominant partner in all things, even if it's dishes and cleaning up after the dog. That's not to say you must have joy in poop-scooping, truly, but that the service you provide by doing the chores makes you feel good.

I share with you often about the messages I get from readers like you who are struggling and a common struggle is how to submit when it's not sexual or sensual in nature of if there isn't a direct exchange for something they want out of the relationship. The answer is a simple one, but hard to do. You submit because it's what you want to do.  I don't find joy in doing the dishes every day, but I do find joy in knowing that if I do the housework then my Master has more time for me at the end of the day and the stress of a dirty home doesn't even come into his mind.

People Pleasers are Not All Submissives

Many of you may identify as a people pleaser, but not all of you are submissive. Dominance and submission are not mutually inclusive to other personality traits like pleasing people. I know many Dominants who are people pleasers too. So just because you come to me saying you love to make people happy doesn't mean I'll say you have a submissive bone in your body. You have to know this or discover this for yourself. It's not always a calling but when you find out what makes you really happy you will work to feel that happiness as often as possible - right?

People pleasers that are submissive do appear to have an easier time submitting in a relationship because they can connect to that feeling of joy with more ease than those of us who aren't people pleasers. Once you learn that you can separate the two personality traits you will see that perhaps submission comes from somewhere other than pleasing others.

Don't Submit Just to Prevent Conflict

A controlling partner that makes you do things you'd rather not do all the time is not a Dominant. You are not a submissive if you have no other desire other than to not cause conflict or to have your own opinion about things. This issue is more common than you think. Submitting out of fear is not submitting with joy and desire in your heart. A D/s relationship is built on trust and if you can't trust your partner to have you in mind then how can you sincerely submit to that?

I've said before that D/s is an exchange, one that both (or all) parties receive something from it. If you are submitting just to prevent them getting mad or worse what do you really get out of it that gives you joy? These relationships are deadly to emotions, self-esteem and trust boundaries.

Is Your Heart In It?

Is your heart really in it? Can you submit and be pleased by doing so without so much as a "good girl/boy" at the end of the day? Get in touch with the joy deep down that makes submission outside the bedroom worth it to you. If not, keep it where you can feel that joy. There is nothing wrong with having a bedroom D/s relationship.

Submission does not have to be full-time. It doesn't even have to be in the same room. But it does have to fill a need inside of you and when done right should fill you up and reaffirm your choices.  Does your submission make you feel happy with your relationship and yourself? How does it fulfill your own needs?