From the soul of Charmed Blyss
I thought I would come up with some snazzy title, or something with more zing than ‘Faith’, but life has moved me to the point where I desire to keep it simple and to the point, with a splash of creative Blyssism.
For just over a year now, life has had me in a gauntlet with little to no let-up. I wonder, had I been so stubborn or walled off that I just couldn’t ‘get it’ until more recent times. Did it really have to get to new lows for me to see some things clearly? Maybe so. I’m one of those doggedly determined optimists at heart, even in my darkest hours; however I dislike (to put it kindly) starting over with anything – I tend to get disgusted because the control freak in me wants to believe that it’s done everything in such a manner that there is no need to start over; ergo there’s no need for me to reach a low, especially a new low in life (yes, I said control freak). But even in those moments, throughout my life there’s been something in me, an urge or compulsion, a drive that rests in the background… That’s where my faith resides in that ‘something’. But what happens when I’m disconnected from it?
Past to Present: Reconstruction of Faith
Last year in August, I grappled with the decision of asking for release or not. Really, it would have been a formality even at that time. I wanted so much for the person I had earnestly felt a solid compulsion to serve to proudly walk with me on the M/s path – but he isn’t a Master and doesn’t care for that responsibility. There was also something that was nagging at me, an incompatibility that I had attempted to reconcile through impassioned journals and conversations. I felt that we merely existed superficially within our relationship; and as such, there had to be a certain amount of superficiality in what we presented to the world. This didn’t sit well with me. I wanted more, I needed more. For whatever reasons, this made me question our spiritual compatibility even more. Yes, I understood where he was coming from, but I had started to yearn to go further in my own spiritual development and I desired that we grow together spiritually, I didn’t feel or believe that he could comprehend where I had been and where I desired to go. Nor did I believe he would join me for the ride. That saddened and confused me because I felt a definite compulsion to surrender to him – that comes from a soul/spirit place, and there I was in the position of questioning that because of my yearning for more?
The following month, I found myself beginning to pull back because of his actions and dishonesty. Yet, that pertinacious optimist in me kept trying… Finally, I gave up the fight in November. However because of his medical situation, I postponed the release conversation until December and on December 15, 2011, I formally asked for release. That was the icing on my crisis of faith cake.
With a heavy heart and confused soul, I mustered on, questioning myself all the way. I questioned my decisions especially, and I was in a very dark space. It didn’t help that within two months I found out that I would have to have surgery and my health really wasn’t what I thought it was. One surgery led to the discovery of another issue; I spent a few months doing treatments that left me drained, sick and feeling hopeless. One night in a fit of frustration (over the toilet of all things), I shook my fist at the proverbial heavens and cried out, “Why do you hate me so much!!”
My faith and trust were gone over a series of events and developments that I had absolutely no control over and I felt powerless.
In retrospect, I can say that’s when I had really given up on everything. I was overwhelmed and consumed by a mixture of despair and apathy. Somewhere around this time, a friend had suggested I get some theme songs for different situations. One song I chose was Cage the Elephant’s “Shake Me Down”. It was actually the song that stuck with me the most, even now. Without prompting, the refrain comes up in my mind and I begin to hum – “I keep my eyes fixed on the sun…”
In July, I had a second surgery; I almost met my maker during that surgery. I kept my theme song close to me as much as I could during recovery (still not 100%, but way better than I was). I spent the majority of the two months away from work alone at home contemplating life, journaling, learning about forgiveness (via Investigation Discovery – yeah, I know right?), and internalizing the lesson of faith.
Remember earlier I spoke about the control freak in me? I have to finally admit that the control freak is antithetical to maintaining and growing faith. I had been asking myself how would I do this or that? How would I take care of my bills? How would I take care of my home? How will I get this prescription? Who will want me like this? Who will see me as a whole being? There were so many questions, and I couldn’t answer any of them and I couldn’t do anything to just make them go away, either.
There came a point when I just had to let it go. I got so tired of frustrating myself with these questions and thoughts that were leading me nowhere but to crying uncontrollably in my bed, casting me deeper into darkness.
“Even on a cloudy day, I keep my eyes fixed on the sun…”
I needed a helping hand to get out, and I asked for it. “I can’t do this. I don’t want to be this way. I need help. I need a sign or something.” On a whim, I went to Youtube. And lo and behold there was my ‘sun’ – hair styling videos. Don’t ask me how that works, it just does. It was the inspiration I needed during a very dark time in my life. I was inspired to challenge myself, make a goal, and work towards it. I was also challenged to invest in myself, my appearance and creativity. Even more, I began to reconstruct my faith and trust. I won’t bore you with the details of a dream I had several years ago that came to mind with this new inspiration, but for me, everything fell into place in the grand scheme of my spiritual paradigm! That’s all that matters to me.
Faith… Walking the path of a D/s or M/s lifestyle requires faith and trust first and foremost in you and your ability to see clearly so that you may make an informed decision. As a slave, I have to know that where I’m compelled to go is significant to my development and experiences as such. I doubted myself all too often in my previous surrender experience, and when I was finally sure of what wasn’t working for me, I doubted that I could have what would. I also didn’t have trust in my own redemption – meaning, this wasn’t the end all be all and I’m definitely worthy of receiving what my soul actually desires. This spilled over into the rest of my life as I experienced one setback after another. Now, I’m not completely full of trust and faith, but I can definitely say that I’m not where I was last year this time or even two months ago. I believe that I have the opportunity to partake in fresh opportunities from an informed position; I can say with far more accuracy what it is I desire and need. This is my adventure – good, bad or indifferent (thought indifferent doesn’t sound very adventurous) and I’m staking my claim on it!
Lots of love, Blyss