Imagine this: a submissive who always knows exactly what their Dominant wants, even before it’s spoken. Their posture is impeccable, and their manners are flawless. They never forget a rule and never stumble over a task. Every meal they prepare is perfectly seasoned; every word they utter is perfectly placed. They radiate calm, collected grace, never faltering, never questioning, never struggling. They are, in every sense, the embodiment of perfection in submission.
Imagine being them, the constant vigilance required to anticipate needs without error. The crushing weight of living up to impossible standards. The anxiety that any slip could spell failure—not just in their duties but their value as a submissive.
Snap back to reality.
The truth is, this image of the “perfect submissive” doesn’t exist. Yet many submissives hold themselves to this impossible standard, imagining that if they could only be flawless, they would be worthy of their Dominant’s love, pride, or attention. Worse, this relentless pursuit of perfection often leaves them drained, disconnected, and lost in self-doubt.
I’ve seen this time and again—submissives pouring their energy into chasing an ideal that isn’t real. They compare themselves to others they perceive as better, constantly feeling like they’re falling short. The irony? Most Dominants aren’t looking for perfection at all. What they value is effort, growth, and above all, authenticity.
This article explores why striving for perfection as a submissive can harm your sense of self, your relationship, and your journey. Together, we’ll uncover the dangers of perfectionism, the beauty in imperfection, and how to embrace your unique path with pride. Because the goal isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be the best version of you.
The Illusion of Perfection in Submission
Let’s get something out of the way right now: I’m not perfect. Not even close. Even though I’ve shared my journey publicly and have years of experience as a submissive, I stumble, I make mistakes, and I grow. And guess what? That’s normal. That’s real. If you’re reading this and holding yourself to some imaginary standard of “the perfect submissive,” it’s time we had a talk.
The idea of a perfect submissive is an illusion, and yet it’s one that so many people chase. Maybe you’ve caught yourself comparing your submission to someone else’s. You scroll through social media or read blogs, thinking, “If only I were as good as them, maybe I’d finally be enough.” Or you see a submissive you admire and decide, “I need to be just like that.”
But here’s the truth: you’ll never be like them—and that’s a good thing.
Submission isn’t about fitting into some cookie-cutter mold. It’s not about ticking off boxes to achieve an imaginary title. Your journey is your own, shaped by your personality, experiences, and the unique relationship you share with your Dominant. What works for someone else won’t necessarily work for you, and that’s the beauty of submission—it’s as individual as the people involved.
When you compare yourself to others, you’re not just setting yourself up for failure but also undermining everything you and your Dominant have built together. They chose you for a reason. They value you for who you are, not how closely you resemble someone else’s highlight reel.
And let’s talk about those highlight reels for a moment. When you see another submissive’s life online, you’re only seeing the polished version—the moments they’re proud to share. You’re not seeing their mistakes, their struggles, or the nights they spent doubting themselves just like you might be now. Trust me, they’re not perfect either. None of us are.
So why are you chasing something no one has? Why are you setting yourself on fire to reach a goal that doesn’t even exist?
In the end, striving for perfection is like chasing a mirage. You can run toward it with everything you have, but you’ll never catch it. All it will do is leave you exhausted and doubting your worth. And the irony? Your Dominant likely doesn’t care about perfection at all. They care about the effort you put into your submission and the connection you build together.
So stop comparing yourself to others. Stop holding yourself to impossible standards. Instead, focus on being the best version of you—because that’s what makes your submission valuable.
Doesn’t that sound like a better goal?
The Psychological Toll of Perfectionism
When you’re constantly striving to be a “perfect” submissive, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture—and yourself in the process. Let me ask you something: how often have you felt that your best effort just wasn’t good enough? No matter what you did, did you still fall short of some impossible ideal?
When you start believing you aren’t good enough, it doesn’t just affect how you see yourself—it begins to impact your relationships. You might find yourself questioning your value in your Dominant’s eyes. You might wonder, “What if I’m not worthy of their time or care? What if they’re secretly disappointed in me?”
This kind of self-doubt is incredibly damaging, both to your well-being and to your dynamic. You might start pulling away, afraid of letting your Dominant see the parts of you that feel broken or flawed. In the worst cases, this can create a self-fulfilling prophecy: you believe you’re not enough, so you close yourself off, and in doing so, you unintentionally push them away.
Perfectionism can also breed jealousy and envy, especially when you’re comparing yourself to others. Maybe you see another submissive online or in your local community and think, “Why can’t I be like that? Why do they seem to have it all together?” Envy is wanting what someone else has; jealousy is the fear of being replaced. Both can take root when you measure yourself against others, convincing yourself that your Dominant might prefer someone “better.”
The truth is, these feelings often grow from an illusion. Most Dominants aren’t looking for someone else—they’re looking at you, appreciating the effort you’re putting into your submission. But when doubts consume you, you might not see it. And if those feelings go unchecked, they can break down communication—the very foundation of a healthy dynamic.
I’ve spoken with countless submissives who feel trapped in this cycle of comparison and self-doubt. They tell me things like, “I’ll never be good enough for my Dominant,” or, “I’m afraid they’ll leave me because I can’t get it right.” They often don’t realize that their Dominants are already happy with them, right here and now. The so-called “flaws” they agonize over usually aren’t even on their Dominant’s radar.
Here’s the hard truth: chasing perfection won’t bring you closer to your Dominant. It will only pull you further away from yourself. The energy you spend trying to meet an impossible standard is energy you could use to strengthen your relationship, to grow, and to celebrate the things you’re already doing well.
Take a step back and ask yourself: are these fears you’ve created in your own mind? If they are, it’s time to let them go—and to remind yourself that you are enough just as you are.
Why “Perfect” Isn’t the Goal
Let me tell you something that took me far too long to understand: Submission isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. It’s about showing up, giving your best effort, and being authentic—flaws and all.
Here’s the thing: perfection is a moving target. Even if you feel you’re getting closer, the goalposts will constantly shift. You’ll find new “flaws” to fix, new ways to compare yourself to others, and new reasons to doubt your worth. But submission isn’t about reaching some imaginary finish line. It’s about the journey—the growth you experience and the bond you build with your Dominant along the way.
Dominants don’t typically look for perfection in their submissives. They value effort, communication, and the unique qualities only you can bring to the dynamic. In fact, your so-called imperfections are often the very things that make your submission meaningful. Think about it: when you’re vulnerable, when you make a mistake and own it, when you work through challenges together—that’s where the real connection happens.
Have you ever considered how much your Dominant appreciates the effort you put into submission? Not the flawless execution, but the trying. The willingness to learn, to grow, to face your struggles head-on. Dominants value that far more than a submissive, who presents a perfect facade while hiding their true self.
I’ve been there myself—thinking, “If I could just be a little better, a little more polished, then I’d be worthy.” But the truth is, striving for perfection only left me feeling less connected to myself and to my Dominant. Only when I let go of that impossible ideal did I start to see what submission was really about: trust, communication, and growth.
And let’s be honest, the pursuit of perfection doesn’t leave much room for growth, does it? When you’re focused on being flawless, you’re not allowing yourself to stumble, learn, or embrace submission’s messy, imperfect beauty.
Your submission isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s. It’s meant to be yours. Your quirks, your struggles, your victories—they all make your journey unique. Isn’t that what makes submission special in the first place?
So, if you’ve been chasing perfection, I want to challenge you to stop. Instead, start focusing on the present. Ask yourself:
- What am I proud of today?
- Where have I grown?
- What can I learn from this moment?
Celebrate the fact that you’re trying. Celebrate that you’re showing up, even when it’s hard. Because of that effort—that’s what makes you an incredible submissive—not seeking perfection.
The Beauty of Imperfection
When you stop chasing perfection, something incredible happens—you allow yourself to be. You create space to appreciate where you are right now rather than constantly wishing you were somewhere else.
Think about it: What’s the point of striving for perfection if it means you can’t enjoy the present moment? Submission is a journey, not a competition. Every stumble, every misstep, and every small victory are part of what makes your dynamic uniquely yours.
Here’s something I’ve learned: When you’re honest about your struggles, you open the door to deeper connection. Imagine this: instead of hiding your insecurities or pretending everything is fine, share them with your Dominant. You let them see the real you—imperfections and all. That’s where trust is built. That’s where intimacy deepens.
The detriment to always seeking perfection is that you are never happy with where you are, and sometimes, where you are is perfect for the situation or time in the relationship. When you’re unhappy with your current place, you lose sight of the fact that you’re already submitting, learning, and growing. You’re so focused on the destination that you miss the beauty of the journey.
Your Dominant isn’t expecting you to be flawless—they’re expecting you to be authentic. They chose you for a reason, and that reason isn’t your ability to meet some arbitrary standard of perfection. It’s your willingness to show up, to grow, and to share your unique self with them.
Embracing Your Unique Journey
Every submissive’s path is different, and that’s something to celebrate. As a novice submissive, feeling you will never be ‘as good as’ someone else is a silly goal to have. My personal choices in submission and my relationship style are unique. The life experiences I’ve had to lead up to where I am now are unlike yours. You will never have a relationship like mine, nor will you be able to have a submissive journey like mine. It’s just impossible.
And that’s the point. Your journey isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s—it’s meant to look like yours. The struggles you face, the lessons you learn, the moments of joy and connection—all of these are part of your story.
When you stop comparing yourself to others, you free yourself to focus on what really matters: the bond you’re creating with your Dominant, the growth you’re experiencing, and the pride you can take in being true to yourself.
So, how do you embrace your unique journey? Start by recognizing your progress. Celebrate the small wins. Remind yourself that growth takes time and that you don’t have to have it all figured out right now.
Take pride in your efforts, and stop comparing yourself to others. You are the best you can be at that moment. This is your permission to let go of perfectionism and embrace the perfectly imperfect person you already are. Submission isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being authentic. It’s about showing up, learning, and loving the process for what it is.
The truth is, you don’t have to be perfect to be enough. You’re enough right now—flaws, struggles, and all. When you embrace your unique journey, you open yourself up to a more profound, more meaningful submission.
So, take a deep breath. Let go of the need to be perfect. Celebrate that you’re trying, that you’re growing, and that you’re showing up every day as your best version of yourself because that’s what truly makes you a remarkable submissive.
Thoughts to Ponder
- Have you compared yourself to someone else at one time or another? How did it make you feel about your own submission or relationship?
- What are some thoughts you have about striving for perfection in submission?
Interesting Links
- Too Submissive for Mistakes – Rayne
- Are You the “Perfect” Submissive? – BDSM Unveiled