Our responsibilities as a submissive are important to be aware of. I’ve said a number of times in other articles that often novice submissives feel that once they are in a relationship they don’t have any responsibilities at all. That is far from true. Does that then mean that single submissives that play casually or in a dating situation pay attention to their responsibility more than ones in relationships?
Bear with me moment as I take some liberty in assuming some things about novice submissives. A novice submissive doesn’t know everything that they want or need in a relationship. They also don’t know everything about themselves and the kinks they may like, how they are performed and how to watch out for themselves in risky play situations.
Now if this is the case, then doing some homework on what is expected of a submissive should happen first, and this website is a good first step. What are your responsibilities in play? Do you know?
Single or Casual Play
Set up safe calls. A safe call could save your life. Not everyone is a predator but you can’t always judge when someone might be dangerous just by talking with them. Having someone watching out for your and just a phone call away is a comfort and a responsibility that isn’t taken lightly.
Negotiate all of the play session before you play. Make sure you inform them of all of you medical or health problem, any medications you may be on and all of the limits you have. Discuss what aftercare you need and if/when to contact them after the play session is over.
Be educated about the play that is going to happen. A lot of self-stupidity moments come from allowing a Dominant or Top to play with you when you don’t know anything about the play activity yourself. For example, if wax play is involved, do you know what waxes are safe and what ones could send you to the ER with severe burns? Do you know what areas of your body can handle light, moderate or severe impact? A submissive should learn about the play activities they like just as much as the Dominant should. Definitely, know the safety aspects and if a Top starts to do something you are unfamiliar, stop them and ask questions. It is your safety that should be in mind - not just the fun times you desire.
Take responsibility for your part in play. It is not just the Top’s responsibility to protect you. You need to make sure you know who you are playing with, what you will be doing and how to guard your safety. And if something goes wrong during play it is not automatically just the Top’s fault. You are an adult and may have some part to play in the blame.
Don’t cry wolf when the play didn’t go as you planned. There is a difference between a Dominant that plays dangerously and one that was not communicated with about your preferences. We’ve all horror stories of Dominants that do not play safely. But there are just as many who are novices themselves or the submissive didn’t negotiate as fully as what was required.
In a Relationship
No matter how long you’ve been a relationship, or if it’s D/s or M/s you have responsibilities when play is being talked about.
Needs fluctuate on a daily basis in some cases. Even my 8-year relationship gives me comfort that my Dominant knows what I can and can’t handle, I still have days where my needs are unique and preferences for play could impact what he wants to do. Communicate them!
Share outside influences that could distract you from play. Stress, family, and finances are just a few of the things that you might not be able to escape for play. It is a good time to talk about these issues prior to play, or ask to postpone play until they resolve themselves.
Express your desires for play. Often in long term relationships, it can get easy to not have a voice about what you’d like to do for play. Don’t let that stop you from getting what you crave. If a long drawn out caning is what you really want, ask for it. The point of play is fun, after all.
Communicate your rules with respect to those that violate them. If you enter a relationship that restricts you greeting others as you once did. It’s your responsibility to tell you, friends, that your rules have changed instead of throwing them under the bus. This also applies to casual play rules.
In closing, the responsibility of a submissive doesn’t disappear at any time. You need to look out for yourself and learn to communicate effectively with those you wish to play with, whether it’s the first or 500th time you’ve done so.
What responsibility do you have to those you play with that I missed?